Where to begin.
We're now in 2013. Elections are over, the 'End of the World' came and went and it's a new year. I still see so much vitriol and slandering lingering since the 2012 elections ended and will probably continue to see it online for quite a while though it's, thankfully, decreased somewhat over the past month or so.
What's weighing on me now are some of the main things going on online, on the news and in our surroundings. This seemingly never ending debate over gun control which is causing as much fighting as the elections it seems following the handful of recent mass shootings. The continuing fight for rights as an LGBT individual and gay marriage. The teen suicide rate that continues to climb. The never ending hate, fighting, religious condemnation and hypocrisy as well as all the outspoken online and in the news claiming to have the answer to the worlds problems as long as the world agrees with THEM.
I could go on at length about each of these, but rather than just rant and rave, I'd prefer to tell a story of personal experience that touches on these issues to help convey my views.
I'm 32, born and raised as a 'good Mormon boy' in Utah and I'm gay. Of course I knew I was different growing up and knew from a very young age that I wasn't like all the other boys at church. I was the quiet, shy boy in the corner that did what I was told, learned to try to please the adults around me in order to keep my surroundings calm and kept everything to myself.
By my teens I came to realize how different I was and in High School finally admitted to myself I was gay. As a child I grew up quickly in every way but emotionally and dealt with depression for years. As I neared coming out to friends and family I saw all around me how people would view and condemn anyone gay. This further deepened my depression and I entered a suicidal period Sophomore year before finally coming out to friends in 1996 and family in 1997. To summarize this period, though I'd come out, I still battled deep depression from 'friends' viewing me differently, being the black sheep of the family, ending my activity with church and battling with my own self identity. Though raised strictly Mormon and holding many of the beliefs I couldn't let go of, I hit a low which led me to my first experience with alcohol at 19. Wine coolers I had a roommate at the time buy for me. What a relief. I'd found something that let me escape the depression and numb myself for a while.
Fast forward a few years and I was living away from home, no longer part of the church, finding my own spirituality as a Reiki Practitioner, a regular club goer and drinker, and most importantly to me, I had friends who accepted me. I kept up with this life for several more years through ups and downs, making huge mistakes by hurting friends and turning to alcohol to escape more and more, numbing the depression, insecurities and allowing myself to 'just have fun' with friends without feeling awkward as well as escaping the pain of losing my grandmother at 21 whom I was closest to in my family at the time.
Soon after I found a strong connection and entered my first real relationship. He was charming, incredibly handsome, very open and sweet to me and everything I wanted in someone. Soon into our relationship I moved in and found some happiness. 1 of our two roommates, however, was what I thought of as a train wreck. Hooked on meth and God knows what else. Tricks constantly coming and going, lying about his drug use claiming sobriety... It goes on and on.
October 4, 2005. My life changed in an instant and this night will haunt me for the rest of my life. I awoke at 3 am from dead sleep to my partner racing back into our bedroom followed by a man in a grey hoodie carrying a gun. Upon seeing me the gun was directed at me and I was ordered to turn over and put my hands behind my head. I was still someone incoherent from just waking up and completely in shock to what was happening. My mind literally shut down, I couldn't think and I don't think I could have spoken if I wanted to. My partner was ordered back in the bed in the same fashion and all I heard was rummaging around the bedroom for what seemed like eternity.
I then felt the gun pressed against the back of my skull and terror overcame me. I was told to put my hands behind my head and realized that they were clutched around my pillow as if it would give me comfort and save me. I obeyed. The 'man in the grey hoodie' repeated over and over 'where's the floor safe?!' to which my partner repeated like a litany, 'we don't have one. I don't know what you're talking about.' The man then yelled for backup and was joined by a second man to ransack the room all the while calling us fags and other hateful names before commenting on the time before I heard footsteps on the stairs.
My partner chanced a look back and to this day I don't know how he managed the courage. They'd gone back upstairs. He whispered to me asking if I was alright and the only thing I could manage to get out of my mouth was a very meek 'I'm fine' though inside I was so terrified I couldn't function. Like a gift from God, they missed taking his cell phone after they'd taken mine and he dialed 911. He gave a short, whispered message stating our address, 'men and guns' then hung up. We waited for what seemed like hours, frozen in bed before we heard more stomping upstairs and a minute later our other roommate calling to us the police had arrived.
It was now 3:30 am, the house was full of police. One taking pictures, one taking our statements and the rest ignoring us. We were quarantined to sitting together at the dining table unless I begged to go smoke on the porch. They stayed for 2 full hours, either ignoring us or treating us like they'd rather be dealing with a 'traditional family' than a 'house of 4 fags'.
The case was given to a detective who was on vacation for 2 weeks. To this day only 1 of the men was caught and it turns out all 3 men were high on meth for a 4-day crime spree. Our meth-head roommate thought he recognized one and mentioned it to my partner who ceaselessly researched until he found that the 'man' was arrested for another charge to which he informed the police he was involved in our case as well. We went to his sentencing which was almost as hard as laying in bed with my hands behind my head.
The next year was a blur of tension headaches and terror. I was unable to be alone at home at night and I still have difficulty with it. Skip forward a few years and my drinking was out of control, I was using some of the same drugs as our roommate who was kicked out the day after the break-in, I'd royally screwed over my relationship, was cutting again and leading to a suicide attempt. To this day I don't know how I survived it.
The relationship ended, I became more out of control and finally admitted myself to the hospital where I finally got clean and sober.
Today I am just over 3 years, 2 months clean and sober. I live with family and haven't been to a bar in over 3 years.
What, you might ask, does all of this have to do with the topics I mentioned in the beginning?
Guns – We have a constitutional right to bear arms, that is fact. What then do we do to prevent these tragic and horrific shootings that kill countless innocent victims. I do not agree that we need to take away this constitutional right but I fully believe that we need stricter regulations for obtaining most firearms. Of course there is no way to know who will be a criminal, who will snap one day and go on a rampage like many of the shootings, etc. Not only do we need stricter regulations, but we need training for those who 'must' carry but in my opinion, most importantly, we cannot ignore the fact that it's almost impossible to tell who will turn out to use their gun to kill innocent people. We cannot ignore mental illness, depression, alcohol/drug abuse, neglectful and angry parents who teach their children to hate, judge and discriminate others. We cannot ignore our peers, neighbors, family and friends when they suffer because if we all continue to ignore, hate, judge, etc, we inevitably leave persons with mental illness and psychological problems as well as addictions and more to slowly become worse, leaving the opportunity for someone to snap and use their legal firearm on innocent people.
This continuous fighting over gun control is exasperating. Those FOR taking guns, those AGAINST taking them. The most ridiculous are those claiming that 'if others were carrying guns, less people would have been hurt or killed'. What a load of horseshit! Would a gun have kept me safe as a mad man high on meth held a gun against the back of my head at 3:15 am? No. If I'd had a gun and tried to protect myself, I would not be alive today. Would forcing our sweet grade-school teachers who are there to teach our children about the world and how to love and respect each other to carry guns save our children, or would it instill more fear and intolerance of this world into the minds of the children in class? Why on earth would loving parents entrust their children all day to a building full of adults carrying guns?
Gays – Though we have grown leaps and bounds with equal rights and now have states that have legalized 'gay marriage', we still live in a world where religion dictates how we treat others, how we condemn them, how we treat them as lesser beings, take away rights, encourage our peers to taunt and bully them to death, harass in school without fear of punishment, attack in public physically while screaming hateful and derogatory speech without consequence of a hate crime, preach 'conversion therapy' when the American Psychological Association (APA) has publicly repudiated it and deemed it harmful.
Why did the police assign our case to a detective out of town for 2 weeks? Why did they stay for 2 hours doing almost nothing while treating us like lepers? Why do we continuously see more and more teen suicides in the news from bullying of LGBT teens?
Until we actually LIVE what our so-called 'religion' teaches us, we will not change. Our society continues to preach the bible yet ignores what it says would condemn those who are throwing the stones. We make exceptions in cases of bullying, bigotry and hate because of our 'freedom of religion'.
What does all this have in common? Love
Pure unconditional love.
What is the essence behind the teachings in religion? Love
We are taught to love others as we would like to be loved yet we ignore this message in favor of defending out personal beliefs from others who just happen to believe and live their life differently. We are tearing our communities apart for the sake of making ourselves feel good and appear 'right' while ignoring those who are suffering, those in need of help, those in pain and those in life and death need of unconditional love.
What would happen if we actually started loving each other for our differences and celebrating them? What would happen if we started working together instead of tearing each other apart. What would happen if we lowered our over-inflated egos and starting treating people as equals?
I don't know about you, but that sounds like a heavenly place to live in, where people love and accept you unconditionally. Where people reach out and do their part to make sure we are saving our society and our world instead of draining and destroying it.
I dream of a time when this unconditional love will finally conquer fear, shame, guilt and judgement.
To quote a dear friend of mine, a mentor, an inspiration and a wonderful example of a loving person:
"May God bless you with discomfort... with easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships so that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger... at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears... to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war. So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain into joy.
May God bless you with enough foolishness... to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done."
~Charles Lynn Frost
I don't know what will come of this posting, but I hope it gives some food for thought and new perspectives on what we can do to help each other. This is just part of my story and a fraction of my life and I felt it needed to be shared.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Friendships, "friendships" and unfriending
A year or so ago I downloaded the "unfriended" app for my phone for curiosity and giggles since it shows new Facebook friends, friends that are not available and people who have unfriended you on Facebook. It's been intriguing during the time I've had it and I haven't exactly paid all that much attention to it or invested time emotionally into it.
Over the course of the past month or so, I've gone through quite a roller coaster with my health, other than my usual health concerns, starting with severe pneumonia and sepsis last month through my recent outpatient surgery on Monday. I've also gone through the wringer with medication changes, and quite a lot in my personal life mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I'm not sure what prompted it, but I was reflecting on the last 2 people who had unfriended me from Facebook and I couldn't help but wonder why it was.
Naturally, it's none of my business what their reasons were and I do not plan on asking them or feeding into an unhealthy emotional scenario. But at the same time, it started me thinking... How well do we know our Facebook friends? Are they mostly acquaintances Are they people to play online games with? Are they close friends you hang out with regularly? Are they people you know you can turn to in the most difficult of times? Are they there for some sort of validation if you feel the need to have as many as you can? Is it a network connection for your work or business? Is it a combination of some or all of these reasons?
There are so many possibilities and far too many factors to take into consideration for just one simple answer. I feel I also need to take into consideration, what kind of Facebook friend am I to all the people on MY "friends list" and are they wondering the same thing about me or does it really matter.
I think there are many positive things available and I don't know that it's healthy to just stick with one reason with the group on your friends list... It IS a great network connection for work, it's a wonderful tool to make new friends, if you have much difficulty with transportation then it's a very convenient way to still socialize and share ideas with friends who live a long distance away. It's also a fun way to keep in touch with close friends throughout the day, share laughs, look for support, rally for causes and many more things.
I've grown and changed quite a bit over the past 3 or so years and starting to grow and change even more just within this past month. Some friends have come and gone. Some have stayed. Some are long time friends. Some are new friends. Still I wonder, what is necessary for me in my life right now? Also, what is NOT necessary in my life right now. I know that I am beginning to open up more and develop a better understanding of myself, my habits and my patterns. I know that I need to work on building a much better network and support system. I know that I have a lot of work to do in order to be there for those I care deeply for the way I would like people to be there for me in return.
So, I ask myself, how many of my friends are are on my Facebook list because we have a good friendship, we can teach and learn from each other, we can love and support each other even if we have different beliefs & views, we are building a new friendship, rekindling an old one, etc... Any how many are just convenient because neither of us has just decided to click the button to "unfriend", because we cannot agree to disagree, there remains a hope to persuade the other to our belief, there is no love and support or someone just "needs" to have as many as they can in their friends list? My honest answer at the moment is I don't know. 620 people is a very large number to process through and decipher reasons behind each.
I DO know that there are so many that I care about deeply, I want to continue to be there for to help and support in any way I can, people I can learn from, people I can connect with and build new, close friendships, people I have shared many fond experiences with which I yearn to share more with...
I know what I'd like from my friends. I'd like to build support systems where we can help each other to learn and to grow. To love each other unconditionally. To build networks and create more friends who may just need someone to look up to or to talk to. To share experiences, strength and hope. To learn how to become a better person.
Herein lies my crossroads. There is no way for me to predict how every friendship and connection will go and with my ongoing learning process of communication with my thoughts and feelings still developing, I don't always know where I stand with other people. I don't want to just hack through and cut down the number to organize because I don't want to throw away something that could be very beneficial for my life but I also do not feel the need to continue to be a friend of convenience or a people-pleaser. I've spent my life as a people-pleaser and it's been far too self destructive. I feel the need to surround myself more with people I can relate to, share ideas, laugh with, share love, support and be supported, people I can learn to grow and develop from and so much more.
We all have so many different ideas and views. Much of my life and myself goes against what many in my friends list believe in or agree with. That's ok. I am not here to please everyone. I need to be myself and learn to love myself for just being me... Open, honest, struggling, learning and growing ME.
If anyone feels like too much is in the way, we cannot agree to disagree, too many differences, a friend of convenience for a friends list number, or whatever your feelings are, feel free to unfriend me from Facebook.
If you feel like you want to get to know me more and develop a much better friendship, feel like we can support each other, help each other to grow, have a special place for me in your life as I have for you in mine, want to continue to be there for each other, etc... I would love to hear that so we can become better friends. I feel the need to try to simplify my life and wish to have as little drama as possible. I've been a part of petty drama for far too long and do not feel that it needs a place in my life if I am to continue growing and changing. There are many new friends I've met in the past 3 years I would love to build better friendships with. I hope to start reaching out more and learning to develop my communication and friendship building skills even more.
These are just some thoughts I thought I'd express. I do not mean to ignore anyone, bash anyone or offend. I am simply trying to learn to express what is on my mind and my heart.
Monday, December 5, 2011
No more. Where has the love gone?
I feel like I need to vent.. I just don't know quite how to start or what I'm going to say exactly.
I'm depressed. Seeing quite a bit going on through Facebook, Youtube and various articles online as well as the comments and reactions on all of them have given me mixed emotions that have, I guess, basically added to some of what I had been feeling that I hadn't quite recognized on the surface and exacerbated it.
We seem to be communities bent on labeling others in any way shape or form and doing our best to tear other people up over our own opinions in an effort to prove that our opinions, views and passions on things are the "correct" ones without a second thought that other people are not in our control. I've been witnessing labels and shredding of other people for as long as I can remember and it just seems to have gotten infinitely worse over time. Faggot, dyke, Jesus freak, selfish, freak, unfit, lazy, ugly, weak, fat, druggie, lush, liar, fake, asshole, "he deserved it", "you're going to hell", "God hates you", "____ should just be shot or die already".. This list could go on and on, obviously.
While I've seen enough of this tearing down and harsh judgement my entire life, it seems like things have gotten entirely out of control lately. It's a wonder to me that people have the courage to actually put their pain out for the world to see when I see so much hateful repercussion coming back. It brings me to tears to see the unedited and unbridled hate that attacks people as if they "deserve it". Knowing that in spite of some support received when sharing their pain, people are attacked so viciously about every possible nuance or character about themselves, it baffles me that people are willing to share their pain at all. Honestly, I don't know why I am sharing this right now at all since I fully expect that myself.
I've dealt with depression for the bulk of my life. Growing up gay in a very religious atmosphere forced me to grow up quickly and hide behind a mask of a supposed calm and well-mannered demeanor. Unfortunately, this didn't allow me to develop emotionally as most do during childhood and teen years. I am now learning to feel the emotions and express them which is almost entirely foreign to me. This overwhelming judgement, hate, attacking and more affects me very deeply. I don't understand where the compassion has gone. I don't understand that, while we are fighting for freedom, equal rights and happiness, we are denying people of those same things. The right to be who they feel they are inside. The right to feel and express their pain without being degraded and called weak. The right to make their own mistakes and learn from them. The right to lend someone a hand when they need guidance toward learning through life's lessons. The right to have different beliefs than others. The right to disagree but agree to disagree without it turning into anger and hateful arguments. The right to be treated as a human being equal to every other human. The right to treat others how YOU want to be treated.
Many know my life's story and many do not. For some people, what I've dealt with would seem much easier to them as how I've done. That is your opinion, however, the way I've felt things and how difficult it was for me is an entirely different story. I've battled depression most of my life. Battling coming out as gay in a Mormon family was very difficult for me. My sophmore year in High School I was suicidal from the depression. I finally came out my Jr Year. I'd always known I was different from everyone else and now everyone knew why. Things were ok for a while. Not perfect but I was getting by. I had fairly supportive friends.. We didn't talk about the gay aspect much at all but being in the Drama Club crowd I at least had a safe haven from the rest of the school though I still didn't feel like I really fit in. I stopped going to church because I did not hold the same beliefs as my family and felt that I needed to find my own spiritual path. I know this was hard for my family but we agreed to disagree and since I was now 18, I was able to make my own decisions regarding my spirituality. After High School I fell out of friendship with many people due to being gay and taking a different path than the traditional Mormon path of life. I made new friends and started clubbing. Once I was 21 I found that alcohol allowed me to shed the mask over my calm demeanor and my emotions and was able to finally start being outgoing. I felt free. I felt like I fit in. I was part of a group that had fun. Close to the same time I began my drag career. Again, I found an escape. Combined with the alcohol, drag let me be someone else. I was able to escape my emotions and be the outgoing person I wanted to be. I didn't feel inhibited and embarrassed. My behavior became reckless.
Several years later in 2003 I came home with the worst news I could tell my parents. I was HIV positive. I immediately sought treatment and started on meds. Over the course of the next 6 years my life was a roller coaster. I experienced rejection from being poz too many times to count. I isolated from my family. I immersed myself in alcohol and drag because it let me escape and numb myself. I found a relationship with a wonderful person whom I loved and still deeply care about which we were together for 4 years. I started to rekindle relationships with my family, though not all because not all of them approve of my lifestyle and to this day I haven't seen them in 4 years. My depression started coming back and in 2005 I had a nervous breakdown, thus beginning my cutting. My life spiraled downward. I turned to alcohol more than ever and began working for the bars and was introduced to drugs as well. I lived to drink and drug my life away in hopes that I wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable, even though almost everything was skin deep and shallow around me. To shorten the story, I did too many things I shouldn't have and screwed up my relationship which ended in 2009. Another nervous breakdown erupted and my depression became overwhelming. I turned to drugs, alcohol and cutting more than ever until I was finally hospitalized and started my sobriety on November 6, 2009 cutting ties with the bar life and many people who I thought were friends. Sadly, only a few remained.
Since then I have become closer to my parents and have maintained my sobriety thus far, though much of the time has been beyond painful, especially in the beginning. The past little while the depression has been steadily increasing, yet I've stayed strong. The temptation to drink or use again comes often, yet I stay strong and resist. The scars on my arms have been begging to grow and multiply, yet I stay strong and resist. The anxiety is often overwhelming, yet I continue to pray for relieve and guidance. The loneliness grows almost unbearable that part of me yearns for the bar life again to be social, even though it's skin deep now, yet I stay strong and resist. Everywhere I turn I see the hate, labels and judgement thrown and people consumed by rage, yet I put on my mask and silently bear it.
Today, I am sick of being strong. I am sick of seeing rage and hate everywhere. I am sick of the labels. I am sick of the judgement. I am sick of people using God's name to keep their power over those who are different. I am sick of people using Equal Rights as an excuse to throw the same rage and hate filled words back at the ones who deny them. I am sick of people ignoring the ones taking their own lives because they can't bear it anymore. I am sick of people saying that suicide is because they are "too weak to love themselves". I'm sick of silently bearing my emotions til they eat me away inside. I'm sick of being the calm collected one and never being the one to cry to a shoulder where there is no chance of a harsh word or judgement.
Not all of us have the knowledge and experience to deal with emotions easily. When immense self-hatred and loathing have been there as long as you can remember and are ingrained in your mind and heart, you have no idea what it's like to try to change that and how every single degrading word you see or hear only reaffirms your self-loathing.
You want labels? Fine. I am a gay, ex-mormon, drag queen living with HIV, full of fear, battling depression and fighting for survival by not giving in to addiction and self mutilation again who can't bear to look at himself in the mirror, etc.
I've heard that it's ridiculous to wish we all could just get along... Well, sometimes the hope that someday we might be able to be just one community who celebrates our differences instead of judging through rage is all that gets us through the day. Sometimes that hope and fantasy is all we have. Take that away and people can break. Tear them down and you can send them over the edge. All it takes is one word to affect someone more than you can imagine.
Though it seems foolish, I still continue to believe that we can build a community build on love. It's difficult for me to see nowadays though I continually pray for guidance and help to make this happen. I just don't know how much more of the rage and hate I can bear by myself.
I'm depressed. Seeing quite a bit going on through Facebook, Youtube and various articles online as well as the comments and reactions on all of them have given me mixed emotions that have, I guess, basically added to some of what I had been feeling that I hadn't quite recognized on the surface and exacerbated it.
We seem to be communities bent on labeling others in any way shape or form and doing our best to tear other people up over our own opinions in an effort to prove that our opinions, views and passions on things are the "correct" ones without a second thought that other people are not in our control. I've been witnessing labels and shredding of other people for as long as I can remember and it just seems to have gotten infinitely worse over time. Faggot, dyke, Jesus freak, selfish, freak, unfit, lazy, ugly, weak, fat, druggie, lush, liar, fake, asshole, "he deserved it", "you're going to hell", "God hates you", "____ should just be shot or die already".. This list could go on and on, obviously.
While I've seen enough of this tearing down and harsh judgement my entire life, it seems like things have gotten entirely out of control lately. It's a wonder to me that people have the courage to actually put their pain out for the world to see when I see so much hateful repercussion coming back. It brings me to tears to see the unedited and unbridled hate that attacks people as if they "deserve it". Knowing that in spite of some support received when sharing their pain, people are attacked so viciously about every possible nuance or character about themselves, it baffles me that people are willing to share their pain at all. Honestly, I don't know why I am sharing this right now at all since I fully expect that myself.
I've dealt with depression for the bulk of my life. Growing up gay in a very religious atmosphere forced me to grow up quickly and hide behind a mask of a supposed calm and well-mannered demeanor. Unfortunately, this didn't allow me to develop emotionally as most do during childhood and teen years. I am now learning to feel the emotions and express them which is almost entirely foreign to me. This overwhelming judgement, hate, attacking and more affects me very deeply. I don't understand where the compassion has gone. I don't understand that, while we are fighting for freedom, equal rights and happiness, we are denying people of those same things. The right to be who they feel they are inside. The right to feel and express their pain without being degraded and called weak. The right to make their own mistakes and learn from them. The right to lend someone a hand when they need guidance toward learning through life's lessons. The right to have different beliefs than others. The right to disagree but agree to disagree without it turning into anger and hateful arguments. The right to be treated as a human being equal to every other human. The right to treat others how YOU want to be treated.
Many know my life's story and many do not. For some people, what I've dealt with would seem much easier to them as how I've done. That is your opinion, however, the way I've felt things and how difficult it was for me is an entirely different story. I've battled depression most of my life. Battling coming out as gay in a Mormon family was very difficult for me. My sophmore year in High School I was suicidal from the depression. I finally came out my Jr Year. I'd always known I was different from everyone else and now everyone knew why. Things were ok for a while. Not perfect but I was getting by. I had fairly supportive friends.. We didn't talk about the gay aspect much at all but being in the Drama Club crowd I at least had a safe haven from the rest of the school though I still didn't feel like I really fit in. I stopped going to church because I did not hold the same beliefs as my family and felt that I needed to find my own spiritual path. I know this was hard for my family but we agreed to disagree and since I was now 18, I was able to make my own decisions regarding my spirituality. After High School I fell out of friendship with many people due to being gay and taking a different path than the traditional Mormon path of life. I made new friends and started clubbing. Once I was 21 I found that alcohol allowed me to shed the mask over my calm demeanor and my emotions and was able to finally start being outgoing. I felt free. I felt like I fit in. I was part of a group that had fun. Close to the same time I began my drag career. Again, I found an escape. Combined with the alcohol, drag let me be someone else. I was able to escape my emotions and be the outgoing person I wanted to be. I didn't feel inhibited and embarrassed. My behavior became reckless.
Several years later in 2003 I came home with the worst news I could tell my parents. I was HIV positive. I immediately sought treatment and started on meds. Over the course of the next 6 years my life was a roller coaster. I experienced rejection from being poz too many times to count. I isolated from my family. I immersed myself in alcohol and drag because it let me escape and numb myself. I found a relationship with a wonderful person whom I loved and still deeply care about which we were together for 4 years. I started to rekindle relationships with my family, though not all because not all of them approve of my lifestyle and to this day I haven't seen them in 4 years. My depression started coming back and in 2005 I had a nervous breakdown, thus beginning my cutting. My life spiraled downward. I turned to alcohol more than ever and began working for the bars and was introduced to drugs as well. I lived to drink and drug my life away in hopes that I wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable, even though almost everything was skin deep and shallow around me. To shorten the story, I did too many things I shouldn't have and screwed up my relationship which ended in 2009. Another nervous breakdown erupted and my depression became overwhelming. I turned to drugs, alcohol and cutting more than ever until I was finally hospitalized and started my sobriety on November 6, 2009 cutting ties with the bar life and many people who I thought were friends. Sadly, only a few remained.
Since then I have become closer to my parents and have maintained my sobriety thus far, though much of the time has been beyond painful, especially in the beginning. The past little while the depression has been steadily increasing, yet I've stayed strong. The temptation to drink or use again comes often, yet I stay strong and resist. The scars on my arms have been begging to grow and multiply, yet I stay strong and resist. The anxiety is often overwhelming, yet I continue to pray for relieve and guidance. The loneliness grows almost unbearable that part of me yearns for the bar life again to be social, even though it's skin deep now, yet I stay strong and resist. Everywhere I turn I see the hate, labels and judgement thrown and people consumed by rage, yet I put on my mask and silently bear it.
Today, I am sick of being strong. I am sick of seeing rage and hate everywhere. I am sick of the labels. I am sick of the judgement. I am sick of people using God's name to keep their power over those who are different. I am sick of people using Equal Rights as an excuse to throw the same rage and hate filled words back at the ones who deny them. I am sick of people ignoring the ones taking their own lives because they can't bear it anymore. I am sick of people saying that suicide is because they are "too weak to love themselves". I'm sick of silently bearing my emotions til they eat me away inside. I'm sick of being the calm collected one and never being the one to cry to a shoulder where there is no chance of a harsh word or judgement.
Not all of us have the knowledge and experience to deal with emotions easily. When immense self-hatred and loathing have been there as long as you can remember and are ingrained in your mind and heart, you have no idea what it's like to try to change that and how every single degrading word you see or hear only reaffirms your self-loathing.
You want labels? Fine. I am a gay, ex-mormon, drag queen living with HIV, full of fear, battling depression and fighting for survival by not giving in to addiction and self mutilation again who can't bear to look at himself in the mirror, etc.
I've heard that it's ridiculous to wish we all could just get along... Well, sometimes the hope that someday we might be able to be just one community who celebrates our differences instead of judging through rage is all that gets us through the day. Sometimes that hope and fantasy is all we have. Take that away and people can break. Tear them down and you can send them over the edge. All it takes is one word to affect someone more than you can imagine.
Though it seems foolish, I still continue to believe that we can build a community build on love. It's difficult for me to see nowadays though I continually pray for guidance and help to make this happen. I just don't know how much more of the rage and hate I can bear by myself.
Monday, April 25, 2011
The journey and new realizations
It's amazing how you realize things as they come in the journey of life. Tonight I realized how even more amazing it can be to look back over a very hard journey and see how far to have come.
Today I had my last session of the weekly therapy sessions I've had since the beginning of august as well as my last substance abuse group through my therapist as well. I guess you could say I graduated from group, though if I feel the need to attend periodically I have been told I am welcome to come back to attend anytime. Being my 'last' group session I was asked to talk about what I have learned and what obstacles have been in my way among other things.
I am usually not one to do much talking and have had communication issues my whole life but tonight in group I ended up being pretty long-winded. I surprised even myself with everything I said. Once I started speaking, the words just kept flowing as if they needed to come out and be heard, not only to the others there but to myself as well. I told my story of my substance abuse. How before I got clean and sober I basically 'lived' to 'use'. I was always afraid to by myself. I escaped virtually every emotion by using so I wouldn't have to feel anything. I was terrified of communication and petrified of just being myself. I lived in a world built by my mind where everything was skin deep and had no meaning. I kept myself closed off from intimacy, conflict, anger and love. I deeply hurt people who are very important to me and whom I love and have done things to them that I cannot erase. I continued to slowly kill myself through my 'using' for a total of roughly 10 years and I only just turned 31. I finally reached a point where my using was so out of control and I had completely destroyed everything around me I tried to destroy myself. I used more than ever, restarted self mutilation and was finally diagnosed with psychotic depression. I couldn't function. I couldn't work and could barely do anything but lay on the couch.
I spoke to the group about how far down in hell I had gone and what it was like. I spoke of what it was like getting sober for the first time. I had checked myself in to UNI at the urge from my psychiatrist and spent 2 weeks there. Afterwards I desperately tried to find anyone who could help keep me from turning to drugs and alcohol to escape again. I found friends that knew my pain. At that point, all there was to me was pain. I've been told that, then, looking in my eyes all you could see was immense pain and hopelessness. This lasted for about 4 months, though it seemed like 4 years. I then started seeing a therapist weekly along with help from a friend and mentor.
I didn't know it at the time, but something started changing. I had found a small amount of drive to pull myself up. I no longer wanted to die. I had almost died countless times from my using and the thought of going back to that absolutely terrified me. I began to want to learn ways to cope with my anxiety and depression. Over the next 5-6 months I began learning coping skills. I've had some very rough times and too many days where I've had to take the day 1 minute at a time just to make it through, but I made it through the day. Because of the drive I found to stay clean and sober, I became completely honest, open and very willing to try to learn to live life. I have had a few breakthroughs on the way. The first being a time in group where for the first time I can remember, I spoke completely what was on my heart and in my mind. I slowly started to learn that I could express myself and show people who I am and what I am thinking.
As I spoke to the group of my journey in sobriety, I started to realize how different I am from the first day I stopped using. It's as if there are 2 different people. I spoke of how dramatically my life has changed. I have found a Higher Power in my life whom I pray to every day, I continue to be honest, open and willing to learn and to grow, though it's not easy. I still have such a long journey ahead and some deeply rooted, festering issues to begin addressing but by being honest, open and completely willing from the beginning, things slowly began improving and I was blessed with people in my life who could help me grow and learn to cope with life. I spoke of many things dealing with my addict mind and at times I felt like a substance abuse counselor as I watched their faces listening to my story. I explained to them how profound the difference is between me now and the me who was 'using'. It is almost indescribable.
I'm not perfect. I still strive to learn how to completely love myself. I still struggle with severe anxiety among other things. But... I am clean and sober today. I have a story I can share. I spoke to the group of how much it means to me to be able to share my story with them and have people relate to it because they are going through things I've gone through. I told them how profoundly touching it is to be able to help others because I have walked that road and have been there. I told them that there is hope and it is possible to find happiness. I found a very moving, spiritual profound feeling as I realized I was able to give people hope and something to help them through their trials by just being me and speaking from my heart of the journey I have been on.
Though I still have a lot to deal with and large issues I have yet to touch, I am very happy and grateful to have had the chance to share my story, touch a few lives and souls and find a serenity and peace that came with it. Though it did not last too long after the meeting, I will remember that serenity and made another breakthrough. I was able to look back at the journey and through telling my story I was able to start to realize how far I've come. In just under 2 weeks I will reach my 18 month mark of being clean and sober. I feel truly blessed to have been able to share so much from the heart to the group tonight and tell my thoughts and feelings here. Today may have been very rough, but tonight was very rewarding in very many ways.
Tonight I go to bed clean and sober after a day of being very honest, very open and very willing to grow, learn and help others through love. I think that is a blessed experience.
Today I had my last session of the weekly therapy sessions I've had since the beginning of august as well as my last substance abuse group through my therapist as well. I guess you could say I graduated from group, though if I feel the need to attend periodically I have been told I am welcome to come back to attend anytime. Being my 'last' group session I was asked to talk about what I have learned and what obstacles have been in my way among other things.
I am usually not one to do much talking and have had communication issues my whole life but tonight in group I ended up being pretty long-winded. I surprised even myself with everything I said. Once I started speaking, the words just kept flowing as if they needed to come out and be heard, not only to the others there but to myself as well. I told my story of my substance abuse. How before I got clean and sober I basically 'lived' to 'use'. I was always afraid to by myself. I escaped virtually every emotion by using so I wouldn't have to feel anything. I was terrified of communication and petrified of just being myself. I lived in a world built by my mind where everything was skin deep and had no meaning. I kept myself closed off from intimacy, conflict, anger and love. I deeply hurt people who are very important to me and whom I love and have done things to them that I cannot erase. I continued to slowly kill myself through my 'using' for a total of roughly 10 years and I only just turned 31. I finally reached a point where my using was so out of control and I had completely destroyed everything around me I tried to destroy myself. I used more than ever, restarted self mutilation and was finally diagnosed with psychotic depression. I couldn't function. I couldn't work and could barely do anything but lay on the couch.
I spoke to the group about how far down in hell I had gone and what it was like. I spoke of what it was like getting sober for the first time. I had checked myself in to UNI at the urge from my psychiatrist and spent 2 weeks there. Afterwards I desperately tried to find anyone who could help keep me from turning to drugs and alcohol to escape again. I found friends that knew my pain. At that point, all there was to me was pain. I've been told that, then, looking in my eyes all you could see was immense pain and hopelessness. This lasted for about 4 months, though it seemed like 4 years. I then started seeing a therapist weekly along with help from a friend and mentor.
I didn't know it at the time, but something started changing. I had found a small amount of drive to pull myself up. I no longer wanted to die. I had almost died countless times from my using and the thought of going back to that absolutely terrified me. I began to want to learn ways to cope with my anxiety and depression. Over the next 5-6 months I began learning coping skills. I've had some very rough times and too many days where I've had to take the day 1 minute at a time just to make it through, but I made it through the day. Because of the drive I found to stay clean and sober, I became completely honest, open and very willing to try to learn to live life. I have had a few breakthroughs on the way. The first being a time in group where for the first time I can remember, I spoke completely what was on my heart and in my mind. I slowly started to learn that I could express myself and show people who I am and what I am thinking.
As I spoke to the group of my journey in sobriety, I started to realize how different I am from the first day I stopped using. It's as if there are 2 different people. I spoke of how dramatically my life has changed. I have found a Higher Power in my life whom I pray to every day, I continue to be honest, open and willing to learn and to grow, though it's not easy. I still have such a long journey ahead and some deeply rooted, festering issues to begin addressing but by being honest, open and completely willing from the beginning, things slowly began improving and I was blessed with people in my life who could help me grow and learn to cope with life. I spoke of many things dealing with my addict mind and at times I felt like a substance abuse counselor as I watched their faces listening to my story. I explained to them how profound the difference is between me now and the me who was 'using'. It is almost indescribable.
I'm not perfect. I still strive to learn how to completely love myself. I still struggle with severe anxiety among other things. But... I am clean and sober today. I have a story I can share. I spoke to the group of how much it means to me to be able to share my story with them and have people relate to it because they are going through things I've gone through. I told them how profoundly touching it is to be able to help others because I have walked that road and have been there. I told them that there is hope and it is possible to find happiness. I found a very moving, spiritual profound feeling as I realized I was able to give people hope and something to help them through their trials by just being me and speaking from my heart of the journey I have been on.
Though I still have a lot to deal with and large issues I have yet to touch, I am very happy and grateful to have had the chance to share my story, touch a few lives and souls and find a serenity and peace that came with it. Though it did not last too long after the meeting, I will remember that serenity and made another breakthrough. I was able to look back at the journey and through telling my story I was able to start to realize how far I've come. In just under 2 weeks I will reach my 18 month mark of being clean and sober. I feel truly blessed to have been able to share so much from the heart to the group tonight and tell my thoughts and feelings here. Today may have been very rough, but tonight was very rewarding in very many ways.
Tonight I go to bed clean and sober after a day of being very honest, very open and very willing to grow, learn and help others through love. I think that is a blessed experience.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Just another update
Good Lord. I'm not too great at updating my blog for the past while, am I?
Well, I'm still sober. 1 year, 4 months on this coming Sunday. My therapy is still going well, though my weekly sessions will end toward the end of April as well as the group I attend through there as well. I feel as though it has been helpful to me, especially looking back at myself on how I've been in the group setting. I still feel like I have a long way to go, but I also feel like I've definitely been making some progress. I have been learning to be a lot more open with myself and with communication in general. It's still quite difficult for me and wreaks havoc on my anxiety though I have been able to make it through thus far.
I am still trying to find a balance between my recovery and work lately. I know I really need to put a lot more focus on my recovery than I have been for a while but I also really need the house at work financially. With bills piling up my finances are very tight so it's been difficult for me to find a balance between the two. I would love to start getting some freelance graphic work but not much luck so far.
I've had a few small ideas for a new graphic or two to work on. I haven't really started on them yet. I think I need to do some looking around online for inspiration and give them a lot more thought before they'll start to come together in my mind to create them. We'll see where that goes.
I'm glad it's finally March. The weather should start getting warmer since we're now slowly starting to get into Spring. That makes me happy. Once we have a warm day and I'm free and at home I can start getting rid of all the fallen leaves and things in the garden. The tulips should be about ready to start coming out of the ground, though they will still be a ways a way from being fully grown and flowering. It's about time to clear the garden for them and wait to see which plants I planted last year actually come back this year. I planted a good amount of perennials and am hoping that a lot of them come back. I'd like to do a lot more with the garden this year so I am definitely looking forward to the warmer weather and being able to get back into the gardening season again. It feels good to put the work into the garden and having it pay off visually. I like being able to walk home in the evening and walk past the garden I've been working on and seeing all the flowers and things. I love flowers and foliage and it's even more pleasant when I've been doing it myself. Hopefully this year I can create a garden that I'll enjoy even more than last year. I think I'll have to put a lot of thought into how I'd like it to look so I can start making the plans for creating it.
Anyway, time to get some work done so I think that's it for now on here today.
Well, I'm still sober. 1 year, 4 months on this coming Sunday. My therapy is still going well, though my weekly sessions will end toward the end of April as well as the group I attend through there as well. I feel as though it has been helpful to me, especially looking back at myself on how I've been in the group setting. I still feel like I have a long way to go, but I also feel like I've definitely been making some progress. I have been learning to be a lot more open with myself and with communication in general. It's still quite difficult for me and wreaks havoc on my anxiety though I have been able to make it through thus far.
I am still trying to find a balance between my recovery and work lately. I know I really need to put a lot more focus on my recovery than I have been for a while but I also really need the house at work financially. With bills piling up my finances are very tight so it's been difficult for me to find a balance between the two. I would love to start getting some freelance graphic work but not much luck so far.
I've had a few small ideas for a new graphic or two to work on. I haven't really started on them yet. I think I need to do some looking around online for inspiration and give them a lot more thought before they'll start to come together in my mind to create them. We'll see where that goes.
I'm glad it's finally March. The weather should start getting warmer since we're now slowly starting to get into Spring. That makes me happy. Once we have a warm day and I'm free and at home I can start getting rid of all the fallen leaves and things in the garden. The tulips should be about ready to start coming out of the ground, though they will still be a ways a way from being fully grown and flowering. It's about time to clear the garden for them and wait to see which plants I planted last year actually come back this year. I planted a good amount of perennials and am hoping that a lot of them come back. I'd like to do a lot more with the garden this year so I am definitely looking forward to the warmer weather and being able to get back into the gardening season again. It feels good to put the work into the garden and having it pay off visually. I like being able to walk home in the evening and walk past the garden I've been working on and seeing all the flowers and things. I love flowers and foliage and it's even more pleasant when I've been doing it myself. Hopefully this year I can create a garden that I'll enjoy even more than last year. I think I'll have to put a lot of thought into how I'd like it to look so I can start making the plans for creating it.
Anyway, time to get some work done so I think that's it for now on here today.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Totally forgot!
Thanks Chels for reminding me.
I've been so caught up with how I'm feeling with anxiety and all of my issues that I completely forgot to mention in my last posting that my brother and sister-in-law came to visit over New Years and they brought their son, Milo, with them. It was the first time I've had the chance to meet him and he is the cutest thing EVER!!!
I went to lunch with them and mom and while we were shopping a little bit he wanted me to hold him so he could look at all the sunglasses in the glass case. He kept saying "woooooow" over and over and just pointing at everything. It was adorable!
Lunch was fun too cuz he kept looking at me a bunch and showing me the different facial expressions he makes. He has a 'handsome' face where he kind of smirks in a cute way and lifts his chin high in the air. He has a sour face, too, which is hysterical. He grimaces in a cross between being really angry and eating something disgusting. lol!
I wish I would have gotten pictures with him on my ipod touch to post. (sigh) Well, next time I get to see them I'll have to see about taking some pictures.
I've been so caught up with how I'm feeling with anxiety and all of my issues that I completely forgot to mention in my last posting that my brother and sister-in-law came to visit over New Years and they brought their son, Milo, with them. It was the first time I've had the chance to meet him and he is the cutest thing EVER!!!
I went to lunch with them and mom and while we were shopping a little bit he wanted me to hold him so he could look at all the sunglasses in the glass case. He kept saying "woooooow" over and over and just pointing at everything. It was adorable!
Lunch was fun too cuz he kept looking at me a bunch and showing me the different facial expressions he makes. He has a 'handsome' face where he kind of smirks in a cute way and lifts his chin high in the air. He has a sour face, too, which is hysterical. He grimaces in a cross between being really angry and eating something disgusting. lol!
I wish I would have gotten pictures with him on my ipod touch to post. (sigh) Well, next time I get to see them I'll have to see about taking some pictures.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Long Time
Wow... I can't believe it's already been just about 2 months since my last posting. I guess it's long overdue for an update.
Christmas was pretty good though mellow. I went to family Christmas dinner at Bonsai Japanese Steakhouse with my parents, brother, aunt and grandpa. It was fun. Christmas morning was good though a bit rough. I had quite a bit of anxiety that morning. I was thoroughly excited for Mom to open her Christmas present that Dad and I had been working on. I published and printed a short book at work for my dad called Memoirs Of A Miniature Schnauzer. It is based off of the email my dad would send to my mom from our 9lb miniature Schnauzer, Ellie. I copied all the email from my Mom's computer and my Dad and I wrote a bunch about Ellie's life and what she thinks of the members of the family along with a bunch of other things. I created graphics to go with each email and created a cover for the book. We'd been working on it for a month at least and it was the hardest secret we've ever kept from Mom.
When she finally opened it and read through a bit of it, she was laughing so hard that she could barely read and tears of laughter were streaming down her face. The wait for her to open the book and the work put into it was well worth it for the reaction. She took it to work and I've ended up printing close to 20 more books that Mom gave to people at work. A bunch of family members also got a copy for Christmas. I'm very happy with how the whole thing turned out and Dad was thrilled that it's finally published and printed.
New Years Eve was pretty quiet and uneventful for me. I just stayed home and helped Dad put together a new entertainment center for the TV he got for Christmas and ended up in bed by 11pm. No point in going out to celebrate New Years since I am still sober and do not want to go to the bar.
The past month and a half or so I've been plagued by more anxiety. For some reason my anxiety had gone back up in the mornings and I haven't been sleeping well. My psychiatrist adjusted one of my meds at the beginning of the month and since then my anxiety in the morning has been quite a bit worse along with my sleeping. I'm going to see her today to discuss options for treating the increased anxiety.
I'm still sober. February 6 will be 1 year and 3 months already. I find that I've been feeling stuck for a little while now in recovery. I have been working a lot more to get hours in at the office for the last 2 months so I haven't been making it to more than 1 meeting a week. It feels like a catch 22 somehow. I need the hours at work financially but I also feel like I need to put in more time with my meetings and recovery. I can't seem to find a balance there yet.
I recently listened to a handful of people discuss the 'jumping off point' in recovery where you can't see your life with alcohol/drugs but you also can't see your life without them. This rang very true for me. I was pretty emotional when I thought about it. I just feel lost lately.. I know I've been making some progress in different areas but I feel like they are areas that haven't been dealing directly with my self discovery.
When I look back at my life, I used to be so happy. I was able to deal with normal stress and I was able to cope with the normal things in life. Since my addictions took over my life, brought me to near death and now that I've been sober for just over a year, it feels like all of that is gone. Like the last straw that broke the camels back. I feel like something has snapped and I can no longer cope with things the way I used to. It's almost as if those skills were never there in the first place. It feels like I'm just broken and lost and I am waiting for an angel to come along to fix me and heal the wounds.. Guide me in the right direction and teach me how to live my life again.
I guess I just feel like a little child learning how to do everything and cope with everything all over again. The journey of finding myself is incredibly rough and I very often feel lost. It's very easy for me to start isolating again. It's almost like pulling teeth to get me to reach out because I don't know how to make friends anymore. As if I have much time anyway.. It takes me an hour in the morning to get to work and generally 1-2 hours to get home which leaves me on average only a few hours at the end of the day for what needs to get done, like my homework from my therapist, Step work and time for myself to relax.
I recently got a wii though. I'd been wanting one for quite a while. I think I just needed to do something for myself and right now at least playing on the wii keeps me busy and my mind occupied rather than just laying on my bed watching TV every night where I can get caught up in my head which is not a healthy place to be for an addict.
I've been told by a handful of people that I am a very different person now than when I first got sober a year ago. It's very nice when I hear that because it is so difficult for me to see that myself. I struggle often with seeing and feeling the changes that I've made in my life and recognizing that I am a different person.
Viktor Frankl said " A man who becomes conscious of the responsibiliy he bear toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the 'why' of his existence and will be able to bear any 'how'."
I just have such a difficult time finding the 'why' in my life. I can't seem to find the purpose for it all yet. I feel like I'm caught in a storm without being able to see when it will end or how to endure the chaos created by the storm. Like being in the eye of a hurricane and not knowing how big it is or which direction it is moving... Not knowing if there is a shelter to shield you from the wind or if the wind will lift you up and take you off with the hurricane itself.
That being said I guess I've rambled long enough for right now. I just have a lot on my mind I guess. I've been told that wondering all these questions is a good sign that I am finding my way, though I don't feel it right now.
I could go on at length about the details of my emotions and individual scenarios and thoughts but I think I'll just leave it a what I have written so far today. Glad I finally updated my blog again and was able to put at least some of my thoughts and feelings out there.
Christmas was pretty good though mellow. I went to family Christmas dinner at Bonsai Japanese Steakhouse with my parents, brother, aunt and grandpa. It was fun. Christmas morning was good though a bit rough. I had quite a bit of anxiety that morning. I was thoroughly excited for Mom to open her Christmas present that Dad and I had been working on. I published and printed a short book at work for my dad called Memoirs Of A Miniature Schnauzer. It is based off of the email my dad would send to my mom from our 9lb miniature Schnauzer, Ellie. I copied all the email from my Mom's computer and my Dad and I wrote a bunch about Ellie's life and what she thinks of the members of the family along with a bunch of other things. I created graphics to go with each email and created a cover for the book. We'd been working on it for a month at least and it was the hardest secret we've ever kept from Mom.
When she finally opened it and read through a bit of it, she was laughing so hard that she could barely read and tears of laughter were streaming down her face. The wait for her to open the book and the work put into it was well worth it for the reaction. She took it to work and I've ended up printing close to 20 more books that Mom gave to people at work. A bunch of family members also got a copy for Christmas. I'm very happy with how the whole thing turned out and Dad was thrilled that it's finally published and printed.
New Years Eve was pretty quiet and uneventful for me. I just stayed home and helped Dad put together a new entertainment center for the TV he got for Christmas and ended up in bed by 11pm. No point in going out to celebrate New Years since I am still sober and do not want to go to the bar.
The past month and a half or so I've been plagued by more anxiety. For some reason my anxiety had gone back up in the mornings and I haven't been sleeping well. My psychiatrist adjusted one of my meds at the beginning of the month and since then my anxiety in the morning has been quite a bit worse along with my sleeping. I'm going to see her today to discuss options for treating the increased anxiety.
I'm still sober. February 6 will be 1 year and 3 months already. I find that I've been feeling stuck for a little while now in recovery. I have been working a lot more to get hours in at the office for the last 2 months so I haven't been making it to more than 1 meeting a week. It feels like a catch 22 somehow. I need the hours at work financially but I also feel like I need to put in more time with my meetings and recovery. I can't seem to find a balance there yet.
I recently listened to a handful of people discuss the 'jumping off point' in recovery where you can't see your life with alcohol/drugs but you also can't see your life without them. This rang very true for me. I was pretty emotional when I thought about it. I just feel lost lately.. I know I've been making some progress in different areas but I feel like they are areas that haven't been dealing directly with my self discovery.
When I look back at my life, I used to be so happy. I was able to deal with normal stress and I was able to cope with the normal things in life. Since my addictions took over my life, brought me to near death and now that I've been sober for just over a year, it feels like all of that is gone. Like the last straw that broke the camels back. I feel like something has snapped and I can no longer cope with things the way I used to. It's almost as if those skills were never there in the first place. It feels like I'm just broken and lost and I am waiting for an angel to come along to fix me and heal the wounds.. Guide me in the right direction and teach me how to live my life again.
I guess I just feel like a little child learning how to do everything and cope with everything all over again. The journey of finding myself is incredibly rough and I very often feel lost. It's very easy for me to start isolating again. It's almost like pulling teeth to get me to reach out because I don't know how to make friends anymore. As if I have much time anyway.. It takes me an hour in the morning to get to work and generally 1-2 hours to get home which leaves me on average only a few hours at the end of the day for what needs to get done, like my homework from my therapist, Step work and time for myself to relax.
I recently got a wii though. I'd been wanting one for quite a while. I think I just needed to do something for myself and right now at least playing on the wii keeps me busy and my mind occupied rather than just laying on my bed watching TV every night where I can get caught up in my head which is not a healthy place to be for an addict.
I've been told by a handful of people that I am a very different person now than when I first got sober a year ago. It's very nice when I hear that because it is so difficult for me to see that myself. I struggle often with seeing and feeling the changes that I've made in my life and recognizing that I am a different person.
Viktor Frankl said " A man who becomes conscious of the responsibiliy he bear toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the 'why' of his existence and will be able to bear any 'how'."
I just have such a difficult time finding the 'why' in my life. I can't seem to find the purpose for it all yet. I feel like I'm caught in a storm without being able to see when it will end or how to endure the chaos created by the storm. Like being in the eye of a hurricane and not knowing how big it is or which direction it is moving... Not knowing if there is a shelter to shield you from the wind or if the wind will lift you up and take you off with the hurricane itself.
That being said I guess I've rambled long enough for right now. I just have a lot on my mind I guess. I've been told that wondering all these questions is a good sign that I am finding my way, though I don't feel it right now.
I could go on at length about the details of my emotions and individual scenarios and thoughts but I think I'll just leave it a what I have written so far today. Glad I finally updated my blog again and was able to put at least some of my thoughts and feelings out there.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
It Gets Better
Since the It Gets Better videos have been coming out in light of the bullying, battles between communities and suicides, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. It has had me thinking of my own life and the struggles and journeys I have been through. I wondered what the It Gets Better would visually look like and feel like I should tell the bulk of my own story.
From a young age growing up I knew I was different. I was always the quiet boy who kept to himself and tried to 'go with the flow'. I've always avoided confrontations and situations that aren't comfortable. I was taught to believe in a faith that I wasn't sure about.
In my early teens I started to discover that I was attracted to men but I didn't give it too much thought on what that meant. I had learned very early growing up to hide my emotions whether happy or sad and to always keep a mask on. This was my defense to hide myself from others and to hide from myself as well.
In my sophmore year of high school I finally started to realize that my attractions were that of being gay and began to slowly realize what being gay was. This was a very hard time for me. Growing up Mormon I was in a battle with myself and was suicidal for what seemed like ages at the time. Though I never acted on it, I did think about it quite often as well as self-mutilation (cutting). I went into counseling to deal with the severe depression which I don't remember how much of it helped.
At 16 I started coming out to a few friends and at 17 I came out to my parents and family. Growing up in a Mormon family, this wasn't something that was generally accepted. I again hit another depression.
At my current age of 30 years I look back on what my life has been like. Initially after coming out, I received highlighted sections of the Ensign briefly. I started doing drag as a way to be someone else for the night when I would go out to clubs. I had grown apart from school friends and lost some for being gay. I was hiding from myself and did not want to deal with anything. The day I turned 21 I could finally go to the adult side of the bars and regularly engaged in my habit of drinking which I found to help me escape from my life.
To summarize my last 9 years, my drinking slowly became out of control. I continually wanted to hide from myself and conform to my newfound community to avoid losing any more friends. In 2003 at 23 years of age, I tested positive for HIV due to my drinking, depression and risky behaviors to be liked and wanted. I eventually found a partner I was with for 4 years. I was happy for a few years but my depression, insecurities and habits of hiding from myself along with my drinking slowly lost control. I tried quitting drinking once which only lasted 74 days. I went back out even more depressed and lost complete control of my drinking, sense of self and ended up with a heavy cocaine habit on the way. I ruined my relationship and had thrown my life away all trying to escape from life.
I finally ended up with a 2 week stay in the University Psychiatric Institute at the prodding suggestion of my psychiatrist as I had been cutting myself and was working towards an actual suicide attempt. I was lucky to be alive. I was told later I should have overdosed on a number of occasions. I've done too many horrible things to count all because I could never be true to myself and that led me to near death and ruining lives around me.
Today I am just over 1 year clean and sober in drug and alcohol recovery. I am in therapy working through my depression and am finding out that through everything I did, all the mistakes, all the traumas... I was hiding from myself. Even though my family accepted me for the last number of years for being gay, I couldn't accept myself. I never did. I look back now and realize that I've been hiding and hating myself this whole time.
Today I can finally look at myself in the mirror and not hate myself. Today is a new day and a new journey. There is no need to hate myself or hide anymore. My life has been getting so much better over the past year and I look back and wonder why it took me this long to realize what I had been doing. I can be true to myself and know that it's okay to love myself unconditionally.
Today I know that things DO get better. There are people who love me and I am finally starting to be able to love myself. A wise person once said, religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I have definitely lived there. I found a God that loves me for who I am and does not condemn me to hell for who I am or what I've done.
What I know for a fact now is it DOES get better. If you are true to yourself and hold on, you can find peace and love. The It Gets Better videos to me not only give hope to young people struggling coming out, but also give me hope and strength to get through my life today, 12 years after I've come out.
I now see that I can make it through if I hold on.
I am 30 years old, ex-mormon, gay, HIV positive in drug and alcohol recovery and most of all... I survived.
Hold on. I promise it gets better.
From a young age growing up I knew I was different. I was always the quiet boy who kept to himself and tried to 'go with the flow'. I've always avoided confrontations and situations that aren't comfortable. I was taught to believe in a faith that I wasn't sure about.
In my early teens I started to discover that I was attracted to men but I didn't give it too much thought on what that meant. I had learned very early growing up to hide my emotions whether happy or sad and to always keep a mask on. This was my defense to hide myself from others and to hide from myself as well.
In my sophmore year of high school I finally started to realize that my attractions were that of being gay and began to slowly realize what being gay was. This was a very hard time for me. Growing up Mormon I was in a battle with myself and was suicidal for what seemed like ages at the time. Though I never acted on it, I did think about it quite often as well as self-mutilation (cutting). I went into counseling to deal with the severe depression which I don't remember how much of it helped.
At 16 I started coming out to a few friends and at 17 I came out to my parents and family. Growing up in a Mormon family, this wasn't something that was generally accepted. I again hit another depression.
At my current age of 30 years I look back on what my life has been like. Initially after coming out, I received highlighted sections of the Ensign briefly. I started doing drag as a way to be someone else for the night when I would go out to clubs. I had grown apart from school friends and lost some for being gay. I was hiding from myself and did not want to deal with anything. The day I turned 21 I could finally go to the adult side of the bars and regularly engaged in my habit of drinking which I found to help me escape from my life.
To summarize my last 9 years, my drinking slowly became out of control. I continually wanted to hide from myself and conform to my newfound community to avoid losing any more friends. In 2003 at 23 years of age, I tested positive for HIV due to my drinking, depression and risky behaviors to be liked and wanted. I eventually found a partner I was with for 4 years. I was happy for a few years but my depression, insecurities and habits of hiding from myself along with my drinking slowly lost control. I tried quitting drinking once which only lasted 74 days. I went back out even more depressed and lost complete control of my drinking, sense of self and ended up with a heavy cocaine habit on the way. I ruined my relationship and had thrown my life away all trying to escape from life.
I finally ended up with a 2 week stay in the University Psychiatric Institute at the prodding suggestion of my psychiatrist as I had been cutting myself and was working towards an actual suicide attempt. I was lucky to be alive. I was told later I should have overdosed on a number of occasions. I've done too many horrible things to count all because I could never be true to myself and that led me to near death and ruining lives around me.
Today I am just over 1 year clean and sober in drug and alcohol recovery. I am in therapy working through my depression and am finding out that through everything I did, all the mistakes, all the traumas... I was hiding from myself. Even though my family accepted me for the last number of years for being gay, I couldn't accept myself. I never did. I look back now and realize that I've been hiding and hating myself this whole time.
Today I can finally look at myself in the mirror and not hate myself. Today is a new day and a new journey. There is no need to hate myself or hide anymore. My life has been getting so much better over the past year and I look back and wonder why it took me this long to realize what I had been doing. I can be true to myself and know that it's okay to love myself unconditionally.
Today I know that things DO get better. There are people who love me and I am finally starting to be able to love myself. A wise person once said, religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I have definitely lived there. I found a God that loves me for who I am and does not condemn me to hell for who I am or what I've done.
What I know for a fact now is it DOES get better. If you are true to yourself and hold on, you can find peace and love. The It Gets Better videos to me not only give hope to young people struggling coming out, but also give me hope and strength to get through my life today, 12 years after I've come out.
I now see that I can make it through if I hold on.
I am 30 years old, ex-mormon, gay, HIV positive in drug and alcohol recovery and most of all... I survived.
Hold on. I promise it gets better.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Sheesh.. I should start writing more often.
I'm still clean and sober. I've been slacking somewhat on my amends work since I've been slacking and having a hard time working on my self amends.
Quitting smoking hasn't been an easy road. I made just about a month and then for some reason found myself taking off my nicotine patch and buying a pack of cigarettes on Sunday. I had a hard time kicking myself for it but am planning on quitting again this weekend. Dad got me some patches so I'll be starting up on them again to help with my second attempt at quitting smoking.
I'm working on some Christmas presents for a few people that I'm very excited about. It's giving me a chance to be creative and give a few things that I actually made myself which also helps since my finances are very limited right now.
Therapy is still going very well. The substance abuse group was rough for a few weeks for me but I am very happy with how group went on Monday so I so far feel very comfortable with where we all agreed on taking the group from here.
Not all too much exciting going on lately really.. Mostly just work, meetings and slowly working on the few Christmas presents. I've also been helping a bit more with housework which is good for filling a bit of time and it needs to be done anyway. Might as well do a bunch of it without being asked.
Anyway.. That's my little update for now. :)
I'm still clean and sober. I've been slacking somewhat on my amends work since I've been slacking and having a hard time working on my self amends.
Quitting smoking hasn't been an easy road. I made just about a month and then for some reason found myself taking off my nicotine patch and buying a pack of cigarettes on Sunday. I had a hard time kicking myself for it but am planning on quitting again this weekend. Dad got me some patches so I'll be starting up on them again to help with my second attempt at quitting smoking.
I'm working on some Christmas presents for a few people that I'm very excited about. It's giving me a chance to be creative and give a few things that I actually made myself which also helps since my finances are very limited right now.
Therapy is still going very well. The substance abuse group was rough for a few weeks for me but I am very happy with how group went on Monday so I so far feel very comfortable with where we all agreed on taking the group from here.
Not all too much exciting going on lately really.. Mostly just work, meetings and slowly working on the few Christmas presents. I've also been helping a bit more with housework which is good for filling a bit of time and it needs to be done anyway. Might as well do a bunch of it without being asked.
Anyway.. That's my little update for now. :)
Saturday, November 6, 2010
1 year!
I can't believe that today is 1 year clean and sober. Looking back it seems like time has flown by but daily it feels like it's been dragging forever. It's been a long journey to hell and back over the past year. Starting off with severe depression and anxiety. My psychiatrist put me on antipsychotic meds and told me I wasn't allowed to use on them. I quit everything cold turkey and started the meds. The next night I was in the ER with muscle spasms as a side effect from the medication and was told to stop it. 2 days later I woke up and couldn't stop shaking. I finally called and checked myself into UNI where I stayed for 2 weeks. My anxiety was so high that I don't even recall noticing any detoxing. Anxiety was so high when I was discharged that I tried to check myself back in.
After UNI, I started going to meetings. I needed something to keep me off of what I was using. I knew that if I started again I could likely die from either an overdose or spiraling down to a suicide attempt from my depression. I walked into recovery rooms in such immense pain and the lowest point of my life. For the first 4 months of sobriety I practically lived in the rooms. A therapist I saw told me I was very lucky I hadn't overdosed on a number of occasions from how excessive my using was. I've been deathly afraid to use again, knowing where it would take me.
It's been such a long year but I've been trying to put in a bunch of effort to recover and grow. To work through my issues and my addictions. It's been hell to work through and much harder than I thought. But.. It's working. It's 1 year later and I am still clean and sober. I walked in the rooms with pain and death in my eyes and heart and now I have some hope that I don't have to be in the position I was before. I'm slowly becoming a different person and already am feeling like I am such a different person than when I first got sober. The healing process is a lifetime journey but is already paying off in my life. I can function, I can work, I don't have to escape life. Learning to feel and cope with emotions is like pulling teeth for me, but I am finally feeling emotions and not using whatever I can find to escape them. I have a Higher Power in my life that I pray to every day now and am learning to live life on life's terms. I am learning to love and be open.
Surprisingly enough, I quit smoking. I thought I would wait longer before trying to quit but for some reason I decided to and today is 15 days without cigarettes now. Quitting smoking feels very similar to quitting everything else.
It's been such a long journey with so many trial, twists and turns so far but I am very proud of how far I've come and what I've been able to do in the past year. It's hell, but I've made it through thus far. Someone said once that religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I've definitely lived in hell for much longer than I want, but I need to look back on it and not regret my life. It's brought me to where I am today and I am finally learning to be myself and be okay with that. I have a long way to go and I finally have some hope in my life.
I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but just for today I am going to stay sober and pray for help to stay sober and be able to help other people.
After UNI, I started going to meetings. I needed something to keep me off of what I was using. I knew that if I started again I could likely die from either an overdose or spiraling down to a suicide attempt from my depression. I walked into recovery rooms in such immense pain and the lowest point of my life. For the first 4 months of sobriety I practically lived in the rooms. A therapist I saw told me I was very lucky I hadn't overdosed on a number of occasions from how excessive my using was. I've been deathly afraid to use again, knowing where it would take me.
It's been such a long year but I've been trying to put in a bunch of effort to recover and grow. To work through my issues and my addictions. It's been hell to work through and much harder than I thought. But.. It's working. It's 1 year later and I am still clean and sober. I walked in the rooms with pain and death in my eyes and heart and now I have some hope that I don't have to be in the position I was before. I'm slowly becoming a different person and already am feeling like I am such a different person than when I first got sober. The healing process is a lifetime journey but is already paying off in my life. I can function, I can work, I don't have to escape life. Learning to feel and cope with emotions is like pulling teeth for me, but I am finally feeling emotions and not using whatever I can find to escape them. I have a Higher Power in my life that I pray to every day now and am learning to live life on life's terms. I am learning to love and be open.
Surprisingly enough, I quit smoking. I thought I would wait longer before trying to quit but for some reason I decided to and today is 15 days without cigarettes now. Quitting smoking feels very similar to quitting everything else.
It's been such a long journey with so many trial, twists and turns so far but I am very proud of how far I've come and what I've been able to do in the past year. It's hell, but I've made it through thus far. Someone said once that religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I've definitely lived in hell for much longer than I want, but I need to look back on it and not regret my life. It's brought me to where I am today and I am finally learning to be myself and be okay with that. I have a long way to go and I finally have some hope in my life.
I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but just for today I am going to stay sober and pray for help to stay sober and be able to help other people.
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