Different Pride day

Today has been a very different Pride Day than all the others I've been to. I woke up around 6:30 with a lot of anxiety. I took my morning med and stepped out to smoke before laying back down to sleep. It took about an hour or so to get back to sleep and took a lot of praying for freedom from my anxiety and attempting meditation to do so. I think my body remembers the last 2 Pride weekends. I was constantly drinking heavily and quite high. The night before the festival both times I did not go to sleep due to preparations for the parade and other things. One of those my allergies were so severe I could barely breath the whole event and didn't get to bed til after the bar that night and last Pride I was so ornery and exhausted from building the float and doing bar decorations all night along with being drunk and high to get me through it that I skipped the parade and went home to sleep before going back to the bar in the afternoon and working til 2am.

On facebook I've been seeing countless status updates and pictures of Pride so far. I've had a lot of mixed emotions all day. I went to a meeting this afternoon which was nice to be around people who were entirely sober, though I felt a bit detached through it. My emotions all day have varied from anger, loneliness, depressed to many others. I've felt torn between being envious of those enjoying themselves at the festival and putting my sobriety first & avoiding all the temptations to drink and use.

So.. I've basically been home today watching tv other than the meeting. I got bored, frustrated and needed something to distract myself so I played on photoshop with a picture I took of my eyes & a few others I found online. I ended up with a graphic art picture that I am happy with and generally fits my mood for most of today.

Pride events are still going on and will be all night with the bar & house parties. I think I'll just watch movies at home and try to distract myself from everything so I don't wallow in loneliness and depression and wishing I could party like everyone else without the consequences that would happen if I did. Glad that tomorrow will be coming soon and I hope and pray that starting a new day will lift my spirits.