Thanks Chels for reminding me.
I've been so caught up with how I'm feeling with anxiety and all of my issues that I completely forgot to mention in my last posting that my brother and sister-in-law came to visit over New Years and they brought their son, Milo, with them. It was the first time I've had the chance to meet him and he is the cutest thing EVER!!!
I went to lunch with them and mom and while we were shopping a little bit he wanted me to hold him so he could look at all the sunglasses in the glass case. He kept saying "woooooow" over and over and just pointing at everything. It was adorable!
Lunch was fun too cuz he kept looking at me a bunch and showing me the different facial expressions he makes. He has a 'handsome' face where he kind of smirks in a cute way and lifts his chin high in the air. He has a sour face, too, which is hysterical. He grimaces in a cross between being really angry and eating something disgusting. lol!
I wish I would have gotten pictures with him on my ipod touch to post. (sigh) Well, next time I get to see them I'll have to see about taking some pictures.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Long Time
Wow... I can't believe it's already been just about 2 months since my last posting. I guess it's long overdue for an update.
Christmas was pretty good though mellow. I went to family Christmas dinner at Bonsai Japanese Steakhouse with my parents, brother, aunt and grandpa. It was fun. Christmas morning was good though a bit rough. I had quite a bit of anxiety that morning. I was thoroughly excited for Mom to open her Christmas present that Dad and I had been working on. I published and printed a short book at work for my dad called Memoirs Of A Miniature Schnauzer. It is based off of the email my dad would send to my mom from our 9lb miniature Schnauzer, Ellie. I copied all the email from my Mom's computer and my Dad and I wrote a bunch about Ellie's life and what she thinks of the members of the family along with a bunch of other things. I created graphics to go with each email and created a cover for the book. We'd been working on it for a month at least and it was the hardest secret we've ever kept from Mom.
When she finally opened it and read through a bit of it, she was laughing so hard that she could barely read and tears of laughter were streaming down her face. The wait for her to open the book and the work put into it was well worth it for the reaction. She took it to work and I've ended up printing close to 20 more books that Mom gave to people at work. A bunch of family members also got a copy for Christmas. I'm very happy with how the whole thing turned out and Dad was thrilled that it's finally published and printed.
New Years Eve was pretty quiet and uneventful for me. I just stayed home and helped Dad put together a new entertainment center for the TV he got for Christmas and ended up in bed by 11pm. No point in going out to celebrate New Years since I am still sober and do not want to go to the bar.
The past month and a half or so I've been plagued by more anxiety. For some reason my anxiety had gone back up in the mornings and I haven't been sleeping well. My psychiatrist adjusted one of my meds at the beginning of the month and since then my anxiety in the morning has been quite a bit worse along with my sleeping. I'm going to see her today to discuss options for treating the increased anxiety.
I'm still sober. February 6 will be 1 year and 3 months already. I find that I've been feeling stuck for a little while now in recovery. I have been working a lot more to get hours in at the office for the last 2 months so I haven't been making it to more than 1 meeting a week. It feels like a catch 22 somehow. I need the hours at work financially but I also feel like I need to put in more time with my meetings and recovery. I can't seem to find a balance there yet.
I recently listened to a handful of people discuss the 'jumping off point' in recovery where you can't see your life with alcohol/drugs but you also can't see your life without them. This rang very true for me. I was pretty emotional when I thought about it. I just feel lost lately.. I know I've been making some progress in different areas but I feel like they are areas that haven't been dealing directly with my self discovery.
When I look back at my life, I used to be so happy. I was able to deal with normal stress and I was able to cope with the normal things in life. Since my addictions took over my life, brought me to near death and now that I've been sober for just over a year, it feels like all of that is gone. Like the last straw that broke the camels back. I feel like something has snapped and I can no longer cope with things the way I used to. It's almost as if those skills were never there in the first place. It feels like I'm just broken and lost and I am waiting for an angel to come along to fix me and heal the wounds.. Guide me in the right direction and teach me how to live my life again.
I guess I just feel like a little child learning how to do everything and cope with everything all over again. The journey of finding myself is incredibly rough and I very often feel lost. It's very easy for me to start isolating again. It's almost like pulling teeth to get me to reach out because I don't know how to make friends anymore. As if I have much time anyway.. It takes me an hour in the morning to get to work and generally 1-2 hours to get home which leaves me on average only a few hours at the end of the day for what needs to get done, like my homework from my therapist, Step work and time for myself to relax.
I recently got a wii though. I'd been wanting one for quite a while. I think I just needed to do something for myself and right now at least playing on the wii keeps me busy and my mind occupied rather than just laying on my bed watching TV every night where I can get caught up in my head which is not a healthy place to be for an addict.
I've been told by a handful of people that I am a very different person now than when I first got sober a year ago. It's very nice when I hear that because it is so difficult for me to see that myself. I struggle often with seeing and feeling the changes that I've made in my life and recognizing that I am a different person.
Viktor Frankl said " A man who becomes conscious of the responsibiliy he bear toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the 'why' of his existence and will be able to bear any 'how'."
I just have such a difficult time finding the 'why' in my life. I can't seem to find the purpose for it all yet. I feel like I'm caught in a storm without being able to see when it will end or how to endure the chaos created by the storm. Like being in the eye of a hurricane and not knowing how big it is or which direction it is moving... Not knowing if there is a shelter to shield you from the wind or if the wind will lift you up and take you off with the hurricane itself.
That being said I guess I've rambled long enough for right now. I just have a lot on my mind I guess. I've been told that wondering all these questions is a good sign that I am finding my way, though I don't feel it right now.
I could go on at length about the details of my emotions and individual scenarios and thoughts but I think I'll just leave it a what I have written so far today. Glad I finally updated my blog again and was able to put at least some of my thoughts and feelings out there.
Christmas was pretty good though mellow. I went to family Christmas dinner at Bonsai Japanese Steakhouse with my parents, brother, aunt and grandpa. It was fun. Christmas morning was good though a bit rough. I had quite a bit of anxiety that morning. I was thoroughly excited for Mom to open her Christmas present that Dad and I had been working on. I published and printed a short book at work for my dad called Memoirs Of A Miniature Schnauzer. It is based off of the email my dad would send to my mom from our 9lb miniature Schnauzer, Ellie. I copied all the email from my Mom's computer and my Dad and I wrote a bunch about Ellie's life and what she thinks of the members of the family along with a bunch of other things. I created graphics to go with each email and created a cover for the book. We'd been working on it for a month at least and it was the hardest secret we've ever kept from Mom.
When she finally opened it and read through a bit of it, she was laughing so hard that she could barely read and tears of laughter were streaming down her face. The wait for her to open the book and the work put into it was well worth it for the reaction. She took it to work and I've ended up printing close to 20 more books that Mom gave to people at work. A bunch of family members also got a copy for Christmas. I'm very happy with how the whole thing turned out and Dad was thrilled that it's finally published and printed.
New Years Eve was pretty quiet and uneventful for me. I just stayed home and helped Dad put together a new entertainment center for the TV he got for Christmas and ended up in bed by 11pm. No point in going out to celebrate New Years since I am still sober and do not want to go to the bar.
The past month and a half or so I've been plagued by more anxiety. For some reason my anxiety had gone back up in the mornings and I haven't been sleeping well. My psychiatrist adjusted one of my meds at the beginning of the month and since then my anxiety in the morning has been quite a bit worse along with my sleeping. I'm going to see her today to discuss options for treating the increased anxiety.
I'm still sober. February 6 will be 1 year and 3 months already. I find that I've been feeling stuck for a little while now in recovery. I have been working a lot more to get hours in at the office for the last 2 months so I haven't been making it to more than 1 meeting a week. It feels like a catch 22 somehow. I need the hours at work financially but I also feel like I need to put in more time with my meetings and recovery. I can't seem to find a balance there yet.
I recently listened to a handful of people discuss the 'jumping off point' in recovery where you can't see your life with alcohol/drugs but you also can't see your life without them. This rang very true for me. I was pretty emotional when I thought about it. I just feel lost lately.. I know I've been making some progress in different areas but I feel like they are areas that haven't been dealing directly with my self discovery.
When I look back at my life, I used to be so happy. I was able to deal with normal stress and I was able to cope with the normal things in life. Since my addictions took over my life, brought me to near death and now that I've been sober for just over a year, it feels like all of that is gone. Like the last straw that broke the camels back. I feel like something has snapped and I can no longer cope with things the way I used to. It's almost as if those skills were never there in the first place. It feels like I'm just broken and lost and I am waiting for an angel to come along to fix me and heal the wounds.. Guide me in the right direction and teach me how to live my life again.
I guess I just feel like a little child learning how to do everything and cope with everything all over again. The journey of finding myself is incredibly rough and I very often feel lost. It's very easy for me to start isolating again. It's almost like pulling teeth to get me to reach out because I don't know how to make friends anymore. As if I have much time anyway.. It takes me an hour in the morning to get to work and generally 1-2 hours to get home which leaves me on average only a few hours at the end of the day for what needs to get done, like my homework from my therapist, Step work and time for myself to relax.
I recently got a wii though. I'd been wanting one for quite a while. I think I just needed to do something for myself and right now at least playing on the wii keeps me busy and my mind occupied rather than just laying on my bed watching TV every night where I can get caught up in my head which is not a healthy place to be for an addict.
I've been told by a handful of people that I am a very different person now than when I first got sober a year ago. It's very nice when I hear that because it is so difficult for me to see that myself. I struggle often with seeing and feeling the changes that I've made in my life and recognizing that I am a different person.
Viktor Frankl said " A man who becomes conscious of the responsibiliy he bear toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the 'why' of his existence and will be able to bear any 'how'."
I just have such a difficult time finding the 'why' in my life. I can't seem to find the purpose for it all yet. I feel like I'm caught in a storm without being able to see when it will end or how to endure the chaos created by the storm. Like being in the eye of a hurricane and not knowing how big it is or which direction it is moving... Not knowing if there is a shelter to shield you from the wind or if the wind will lift you up and take you off with the hurricane itself.
That being said I guess I've rambled long enough for right now. I just have a lot on my mind I guess. I've been told that wondering all these questions is a good sign that I am finding my way, though I don't feel it right now.
I could go on at length about the details of my emotions and individual scenarios and thoughts but I think I'll just leave it a what I have written so far today. Glad I finally updated my blog again and was able to put at least some of my thoughts and feelings out there.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
It Gets Better
Since the It Gets Better videos have been coming out in light of the bullying, battles between communities and suicides, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. It has had me thinking of my own life and the struggles and journeys I have been through. I wondered what the It Gets Better would visually look like and feel like I should tell the bulk of my own story.
From a young age growing up I knew I was different. I was always the quiet boy who kept to himself and tried to 'go with the flow'. I've always avoided confrontations and situations that aren't comfortable. I was taught to believe in a faith that I wasn't sure about.
In my early teens I started to discover that I was attracted to men but I didn't give it too much thought on what that meant. I had learned very early growing up to hide my emotions whether happy or sad and to always keep a mask on. This was my defense to hide myself from others and to hide from myself as well.
In my sophmore year of high school I finally started to realize that my attractions were that of being gay and began to slowly realize what being gay was. This was a very hard time for me. Growing up Mormon I was in a battle with myself and was suicidal for what seemed like ages at the time. Though I never acted on it, I did think about it quite often as well as self-mutilation (cutting). I went into counseling to deal with the severe depression which I don't remember how much of it helped.
At 16 I started coming out to a few friends and at 17 I came out to my parents and family. Growing up in a Mormon family, this wasn't something that was generally accepted. I again hit another depression.
At my current age of 30 years I look back on what my life has been like. Initially after coming out, I received highlighted sections of the Ensign briefly. I started doing drag as a way to be someone else for the night when I would go out to clubs. I had grown apart from school friends and lost some for being gay. I was hiding from myself and did not want to deal with anything. The day I turned 21 I could finally go to the adult side of the bars and regularly engaged in my habit of drinking which I found to help me escape from my life.
To summarize my last 9 years, my drinking slowly became out of control. I continually wanted to hide from myself and conform to my newfound community to avoid losing any more friends. In 2003 at 23 years of age, I tested positive for HIV due to my drinking, depression and risky behaviors to be liked and wanted. I eventually found a partner I was with for 4 years. I was happy for a few years but my depression, insecurities and habits of hiding from myself along with my drinking slowly lost control. I tried quitting drinking once which only lasted 74 days. I went back out even more depressed and lost complete control of my drinking, sense of self and ended up with a heavy cocaine habit on the way. I ruined my relationship and had thrown my life away all trying to escape from life.
I finally ended up with a 2 week stay in the University Psychiatric Institute at the prodding suggestion of my psychiatrist as I had been cutting myself and was working towards an actual suicide attempt. I was lucky to be alive. I was told later I should have overdosed on a number of occasions. I've done too many horrible things to count all because I could never be true to myself and that led me to near death and ruining lives around me.
Today I am just over 1 year clean and sober in drug and alcohol recovery. I am in therapy working through my depression and am finding out that through everything I did, all the mistakes, all the traumas... I was hiding from myself. Even though my family accepted me for the last number of years for being gay, I couldn't accept myself. I never did. I look back now and realize that I've been hiding and hating myself this whole time.
Today I can finally look at myself in the mirror and not hate myself. Today is a new day and a new journey. There is no need to hate myself or hide anymore. My life has been getting so much better over the past year and I look back and wonder why it took me this long to realize what I had been doing. I can be true to myself and know that it's okay to love myself unconditionally.
Today I know that things DO get better. There are people who love me and I am finally starting to be able to love myself. A wise person once said, religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I have definitely lived there. I found a God that loves me for who I am and does not condemn me to hell for who I am or what I've done.
What I know for a fact now is it DOES get better. If you are true to yourself and hold on, you can find peace and love. The It Gets Better videos to me not only give hope to young people struggling coming out, but also give me hope and strength to get through my life today, 12 years after I've come out.
I now see that I can make it through if I hold on.
I am 30 years old, ex-mormon, gay, HIV positive in drug and alcohol recovery and most of all... I survived.
Hold on. I promise it gets better.
From a young age growing up I knew I was different. I was always the quiet boy who kept to himself and tried to 'go with the flow'. I've always avoided confrontations and situations that aren't comfortable. I was taught to believe in a faith that I wasn't sure about.
In my early teens I started to discover that I was attracted to men but I didn't give it too much thought on what that meant. I had learned very early growing up to hide my emotions whether happy or sad and to always keep a mask on. This was my defense to hide myself from others and to hide from myself as well.
In my sophmore year of high school I finally started to realize that my attractions were that of being gay and began to slowly realize what being gay was. This was a very hard time for me. Growing up Mormon I was in a battle with myself and was suicidal for what seemed like ages at the time. Though I never acted on it, I did think about it quite often as well as self-mutilation (cutting). I went into counseling to deal with the severe depression which I don't remember how much of it helped.
At 16 I started coming out to a few friends and at 17 I came out to my parents and family. Growing up in a Mormon family, this wasn't something that was generally accepted. I again hit another depression.
At my current age of 30 years I look back on what my life has been like. Initially after coming out, I received highlighted sections of the Ensign briefly. I started doing drag as a way to be someone else for the night when I would go out to clubs. I had grown apart from school friends and lost some for being gay. I was hiding from myself and did not want to deal with anything. The day I turned 21 I could finally go to the adult side of the bars and regularly engaged in my habit of drinking which I found to help me escape from my life.
To summarize my last 9 years, my drinking slowly became out of control. I continually wanted to hide from myself and conform to my newfound community to avoid losing any more friends. In 2003 at 23 years of age, I tested positive for HIV due to my drinking, depression and risky behaviors to be liked and wanted. I eventually found a partner I was with for 4 years. I was happy for a few years but my depression, insecurities and habits of hiding from myself along with my drinking slowly lost control. I tried quitting drinking once which only lasted 74 days. I went back out even more depressed and lost complete control of my drinking, sense of self and ended up with a heavy cocaine habit on the way. I ruined my relationship and had thrown my life away all trying to escape from life.
I finally ended up with a 2 week stay in the University Psychiatric Institute at the prodding suggestion of my psychiatrist as I had been cutting myself and was working towards an actual suicide attempt. I was lucky to be alive. I was told later I should have overdosed on a number of occasions. I've done too many horrible things to count all because I could never be true to myself and that led me to near death and ruining lives around me.
Today I am just over 1 year clean and sober in drug and alcohol recovery. I am in therapy working through my depression and am finding out that through everything I did, all the mistakes, all the traumas... I was hiding from myself. Even though my family accepted me for the last number of years for being gay, I couldn't accept myself. I never did. I look back now and realize that I've been hiding and hating myself this whole time.
Today I can finally look at myself in the mirror and not hate myself. Today is a new day and a new journey. There is no need to hate myself or hide anymore. My life has been getting so much better over the past year and I look back and wonder why it took me this long to realize what I had been doing. I can be true to myself and know that it's okay to love myself unconditionally.
Today I know that things DO get better. There are people who love me and I am finally starting to be able to love myself. A wise person once said, religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I have definitely lived there. I found a God that loves me for who I am and does not condemn me to hell for who I am or what I've done.
What I know for a fact now is it DOES get better. If you are true to yourself and hold on, you can find peace and love. The It Gets Better videos to me not only give hope to young people struggling coming out, but also give me hope and strength to get through my life today, 12 years after I've come out.
I now see that I can make it through if I hold on.
I am 30 years old, ex-mormon, gay, HIV positive in drug and alcohol recovery and most of all... I survived.
Hold on. I promise it gets better.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Sheesh.. I should start writing more often.
I'm still clean and sober. I've been slacking somewhat on my amends work since I've been slacking and having a hard time working on my self amends.
Quitting smoking hasn't been an easy road. I made just about a month and then for some reason found myself taking off my nicotine patch and buying a pack of cigarettes on Sunday. I had a hard time kicking myself for it but am planning on quitting again this weekend. Dad got me some patches so I'll be starting up on them again to help with my second attempt at quitting smoking.
I'm working on some Christmas presents for a few people that I'm very excited about. It's giving me a chance to be creative and give a few things that I actually made myself which also helps since my finances are very limited right now.
Therapy is still going very well. The substance abuse group was rough for a few weeks for me but I am very happy with how group went on Monday so I so far feel very comfortable with where we all agreed on taking the group from here.
Not all too much exciting going on lately really.. Mostly just work, meetings and slowly working on the few Christmas presents. I've also been helping a bit more with housework which is good for filling a bit of time and it needs to be done anyway. Might as well do a bunch of it without being asked.
Anyway.. That's my little update for now. :)
I'm still clean and sober. I've been slacking somewhat on my amends work since I've been slacking and having a hard time working on my self amends.
Quitting smoking hasn't been an easy road. I made just about a month and then for some reason found myself taking off my nicotine patch and buying a pack of cigarettes on Sunday. I had a hard time kicking myself for it but am planning on quitting again this weekend. Dad got me some patches so I'll be starting up on them again to help with my second attempt at quitting smoking.
I'm working on some Christmas presents for a few people that I'm very excited about. It's giving me a chance to be creative and give a few things that I actually made myself which also helps since my finances are very limited right now.
Therapy is still going very well. The substance abuse group was rough for a few weeks for me but I am very happy with how group went on Monday so I so far feel very comfortable with where we all agreed on taking the group from here.
Not all too much exciting going on lately really.. Mostly just work, meetings and slowly working on the few Christmas presents. I've also been helping a bit more with housework which is good for filling a bit of time and it needs to be done anyway. Might as well do a bunch of it without being asked.
Anyway.. That's my little update for now. :)
Saturday, November 6, 2010
1 year!
I can't believe that today is 1 year clean and sober. Looking back it seems like time has flown by but daily it feels like it's been dragging forever. It's been a long journey to hell and back over the past year. Starting off with severe depression and anxiety. My psychiatrist put me on antipsychotic meds and told me I wasn't allowed to use on them. I quit everything cold turkey and started the meds. The next night I was in the ER with muscle spasms as a side effect from the medication and was told to stop it. 2 days later I woke up and couldn't stop shaking. I finally called and checked myself into UNI where I stayed for 2 weeks. My anxiety was so high that I don't even recall noticing any detoxing. Anxiety was so high when I was discharged that I tried to check myself back in.
After UNI, I started going to meetings. I needed something to keep me off of what I was using. I knew that if I started again I could likely die from either an overdose or spiraling down to a suicide attempt from my depression. I walked into recovery rooms in such immense pain and the lowest point of my life. For the first 4 months of sobriety I practically lived in the rooms. A therapist I saw told me I was very lucky I hadn't overdosed on a number of occasions from how excessive my using was. I've been deathly afraid to use again, knowing where it would take me.
It's been such a long year but I've been trying to put in a bunch of effort to recover and grow. To work through my issues and my addictions. It's been hell to work through and much harder than I thought. But.. It's working. It's 1 year later and I am still clean and sober. I walked in the rooms with pain and death in my eyes and heart and now I have some hope that I don't have to be in the position I was before. I'm slowly becoming a different person and already am feeling like I am such a different person than when I first got sober. The healing process is a lifetime journey but is already paying off in my life. I can function, I can work, I don't have to escape life. Learning to feel and cope with emotions is like pulling teeth for me, but I am finally feeling emotions and not using whatever I can find to escape them. I have a Higher Power in my life that I pray to every day now and am learning to live life on life's terms. I am learning to love and be open.
Surprisingly enough, I quit smoking. I thought I would wait longer before trying to quit but for some reason I decided to and today is 15 days without cigarettes now. Quitting smoking feels very similar to quitting everything else.
It's been such a long journey with so many trial, twists and turns so far but I am very proud of how far I've come and what I've been able to do in the past year. It's hell, but I've made it through thus far. Someone said once that religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I've definitely lived in hell for much longer than I want, but I need to look back on it and not regret my life. It's brought me to where I am today and I am finally learning to be myself and be okay with that. I have a long way to go and I finally have some hope in my life.
I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but just for today I am going to stay sober and pray for help to stay sober and be able to help other people.
After UNI, I started going to meetings. I needed something to keep me off of what I was using. I knew that if I started again I could likely die from either an overdose or spiraling down to a suicide attempt from my depression. I walked into recovery rooms in such immense pain and the lowest point of my life. For the first 4 months of sobriety I practically lived in the rooms. A therapist I saw told me I was very lucky I hadn't overdosed on a number of occasions from how excessive my using was. I've been deathly afraid to use again, knowing where it would take me.
It's been such a long year but I've been trying to put in a bunch of effort to recover and grow. To work through my issues and my addictions. It's been hell to work through and much harder than I thought. But.. It's working. It's 1 year later and I am still clean and sober. I walked in the rooms with pain and death in my eyes and heart and now I have some hope that I don't have to be in the position I was before. I'm slowly becoming a different person and already am feeling like I am such a different person than when I first got sober. The healing process is a lifetime journey but is already paying off in my life. I can function, I can work, I don't have to escape life. Learning to feel and cope with emotions is like pulling teeth for me, but I am finally feeling emotions and not using whatever I can find to escape them. I have a Higher Power in my life that I pray to every day now and am learning to live life on life's terms. I am learning to love and be open.
Surprisingly enough, I quit smoking. I thought I would wait longer before trying to quit but for some reason I decided to and today is 15 days without cigarettes now. Quitting smoking feels very similar to quitting everything else.
It's been such a long journey with so many trial, twists and turns so far but I am very proud of how far I've come and what I've been able to do in the past year. It's hell, but I've made it through thus far. Someone said once that religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I've definitely lived in hell for much longer than I want, but I need to look back on it and not regret my life. It's brought me to where I am today and I am finally learning to be myself and be okay with that. I have a long way to go and I finally have some hope in my life.
I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but just for today I am going to stay sober and pray for help to stay sober and be able to help other people.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
6 days smoke free
It's already been 6 days without cigarettes. It's definitely been rough but I can't believe I've already made it 6 days. The nicotine patches are a God-send. They help a bit with the cravings and I've been eating a lot of the dum dum suckers. I still get urges a lot to go outside and smoke and have still had anxiety but it's at least been tolerable which I wasn't expecting.
Getting closer to the 1 year mark. Michael gave me a gift today of an 8gb ipod touch as a congratulations on my one year combined with my Christmas present. It was incredibly thoughtful and generous of him and I was very surprised to get it. He said he was very proud of me for getting as far I have so far which meant a lot to me. He'd seen my facebook post where I said I was trying to save up for an ipod touch so I'm thrilled to have one. The 8gb should be perfect for a while so I can save up for one with larger memory since they are so expensive. I still can't believe he got one for me. It's going to be a pain in the ass to reinstall itunes and get everything set again, but will definitely be worth it since I am familiar with itunes and haven't had an ipod that worked for quite a while.
Will see how it goes with the smoking. I hope to keep things together with quitting and make it last and am very excited to be getting my 1 year chip soon!
Getting closer to the 1 year mark. Michael gave me a gift today of an 8gb ipod touch as a congratulations on my one year combined with my Christmas present. It was incredibly thoughtful and generous of him and I was very surprised to get it. He said he was very proud of me for getting as far I have so far which meant a lot to me. He'd seen my facebook post where I said I was trying to save up for an ipod touch so I'm thrilled to have one. The 8gb should be perfect for a while so I can save up for one with larger memory since they are so expensive. I still can't believe he got one for me. It's going to be a pain in the ass to reinstall itunes and get everything set again, but will definitely be worth it since I am familiar with itunes and haven't had an ipod that worked for quite a while.
Will see how it goes with the smoking. I hope to keep things together with quitting and make it last and am very excited to be getting my 1 year chip soon!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Night before
Well, today started off pretty crappy. Mom had me take a photo of the logo of the charity she started so I could text it to the guy that does the embroidering of it on bags and such. She woke me up early before she left for work to remind me to text it to him. I never really got fully back to sleep after that. When I finally got up I had my morning cigarette and my anxiety was raging. For a while I was afraid that my jaw was going to lock and the muscle spasms were going to happen again. I finally made it to work at 12:15 instead of going to my noon meeting so I could get some more hours at work. I spent all afternoon at work helping Michael get some wedding announcements printed and ready. Instead of catching a ride home when my brother picked up my mom at 3:30, I stayed til 6:15 to help Michael get things finished up what needed to be done. I never did get a chance to get ads done for the issue of the paper coming out next week so I brought a bunch of work home since I'm only in the office for a few hours on monday and the ads need to get done.
On the way to the office I stopped at Walgreen's and got some nicotine patches and 2 bags of dum dums. Tomorrow is my first day I've planned to quit smoking. I'm hoping and praying that the patches help and my anxiety will be manageable. It's been such a long day today and I've been very emotional, angry and on edge. I'm very nervous for tomorrow morning since I have my first cigarette within 10-15 min after getting up in the morning. I got some advice online from a few other people on a website for quitting smoking that they are there early so when I wake up I should put my first patch right on and log on to the website to chat so it will keep my hands occupied. I think I'm going to try that and see how things go.
There's going to be a lot of deep breathing tomorrow and praying for help with the withdrawals of quitting. I've been smoking for 8 years and have never tried this before.
I've been trying to be able to afford getting a used ipod touch or something but can't afford it this weekend since I spent some money getting the patches and such. I'm pretty bummed that I still can't afford one right now. If I can stay without smoking at all it will save a bit of money though. My psychiatrists pharmacist said I should set aside the money I would have spent on a pack of cigarettes and once a month or so use it to treat myself to something nice as a reward and something to look forward to. Maybe this will help get a used ipod and pay some bills. I could sure use that and I know I need to quit smoking.
Will see how tomorrow goes. Everyone says it almost always takes a handful of times to quit and my psychiatrist said it won't be as bad as I think it will be. I'm hoping and praying that she is right.
On the way to the office I stopped at Walgreen's and got some nicotine patches and 2 bags of dum dums. Tomorrow is my first day I've planned to quit smoking. I'm hoping and praying that the patches help and my anxiety will be manageable. It's been such a long day today and I've been very emotional, angry and on edge. I'm very nervous for tomorrow morning since I have my first cigarette within 10-15 min after getting up in the morning. I got some advice online from a few other people on a website for quitting smoking that they are there early so when I wake up I should put my first patch right on and log on to the website to chat so it will keep my hands occupied. I think I'm going to try that and see how things go.
There's going to be a lot of deep breathing tomorrow and praying for help with the withdrawals of quitting. I've been smoking for 8 years and have never tried this before.
I've been trying to be able to afford getting a used ipod touch or something but can't afford it this weekend since I spent some money getting the patches and such. I'm pretty bummed that I still can't afford one right now. If I can stay without smoking at all it will save a bit of money though. My psychiatrists pharmacist said I should set aside the money I would have spent on a pack of cigarettes and once a month or so use it to treat myself to something nice as a reward and something to look forward to. Maybe this will help get a used ipod and pay some bills. I could sure use that and I know I need to quit smoking.
Will see how tomorrow goes. Everyone says it almost always takes a handful of times to quit and my psychiatrist said it won't be as bad as I think it will be. I'm hoping and praying that she is right.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Quitting smoking for the first time
So I had the day off of work today since I had an afternoon appt with my psychiatrist. It went well. She was very excited that I am just over 2 weeks away from my 1 year mark of sobriety and also excited that I was able to take a big step out of my comfort zone with my graphic and last post here.
We talked about quitting smoking since I mentioned that I think it's about time I try to quit. She and the pharmacist who works with her gave me some advice. I've decided that my first day attempting to quit will be this Saturday. I'm VERY nervous. I've never tried quitting before and am very worried about my anxiety. I'm going to be getting some nicotine patches from the store and see how they help. I was given advice to stock up on healthy snacks and make sure that I do a lot of deep breathing when I get anxious. They also gave me a website to go to for support from other people quitting or who have quit a while ago. I think I'll end up spending a bunch of time there asking questions and am probably going to try to get advice and support from one of their counselors over the phone.
UGH! I can't believe it's already almost a year sober now. I'm just starting my amends step and the first on my list is myself. I'm going to need to do a lot of reading and learning how to forgive and make amends to myself so I can move on toward making amends to other people. I also can't believe I'm serious about quitting smoking now. I definitely think it's a thing I need to do even though I am so nervous and anxious about it.
I've been told it usually takes several tries for quitting smoking so I'm nervous and interested to see how it goes. My psychiatrist told me it won't be nearly as bad as I'm expecting so I am REALLY hoping she is right.
We'll see how the first day goes. I've been without cigarettes for a day or two before in the last few years because I couldn't afford them and I was quite the big bitch. I'd probably better warn everyone I'm around that I'm trying to quit and expect me to be very anxious and on edge.
We talked about quitting smoking since I mentioned that I think it's about time I try to quit. She and the pharmacist who works with her gave me some advice. I've decided that my first day attempting to quit will be this Saturday. I'm VERY nervous. I've never tried quitting before and am very worried about my anxiety. I'm going to be getting some nicotine patches from the store and see how they help. I was given advice to stock up on healthy snacks and make sure that I do a lot of deep breathing when I get anxious. They also gave me a website to go to for support from other people quitting or who have quit a while ago. I think I'll end up spending a bunch of time there asking questions and am probably going to try to get advice and support from one of their counselors over the phone.
UGH! I can't believe it's already almost a year sober now. I'm just starting my amends step and the first on my list is myself. I'm going to need to do a lot of reading and learning how to forgive and make amends to myself so I can move on toward making amends to other people. I also can't believe I'm serious about quitting smoking now. I definitely think it's a thing I need to do even though I am so nervous and anxious about it.
I've been told it usually takes several tries for quitting smoking so I'm nervous and interested to see how it goes. My psychiatrist told me it won't be nearly as bad as I'm expecting so I am REALLY hoping she is right.
We'll see how the first day goes. I've been without cigarettes for a day or two before in the last few years because I couldn't afford them and I was quite the big bitch. I'd probably better warn everyone I'm around that I'm trying to quit and expect me to be very anxious and on edge.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Enough is enough
Been a while... yet again.
Monday in my substance abuse group we were talking about argumentativeness. When I was asked to share I ended up rambling and got on a tangent on everything going on between the GLBT community and the LDS church in the fight for human rights, Boyd K Packers comments in General Conference against gays and the dramatic rise in bullying and suicides of young teens. All that sharing brought up some very rough emotions for me.
I grew up LDS and actively went to church until I turned 18 and also came out as gay at 17. My first year in High School I was suicidal while I was trying to figure out who I was and hadn't come out of the closet yet. Since then I have battled suicidal tendencies, drug and alcohol addiction and depression as well as self mutilation up to this very day. Everything since Proposition 8 between the gay and LDS communities has been escalating up until the most recent event with Boyd K Packers comments on homosexuality in Conference.
There have been so many comments and opinions from both sides and so many hateful and hurtful things said. All of this arguing has been hitting me very hard. I can see both sides. I've LIVED both sides and I've been suicidal before so I can relate to the young teens with how they feel and how President Packers comments can come across to young LDS members who are struggling with their sexual identity. I feel like I am caught right in the middle and it is incredibly painful.
Every time I read the hurtful comments from either side, it just makes me sick to my stomach. It increases my depression ten-fold and I find it very hard to try to pull myself out of it and still maintain my sobriety and recovery. Since the substance abuse group yesterday when I starting bringing up all those feelings out of nowhere and not realizing fully how passionate I feel about it, I feel like I just needed to create something to express what I am feeling. This is what I came up with.
I titled this graphic "Enough is Enough". That is how I feel.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I am sick of the fighting. Sick of the hateful and hurtful comments. Sick of the bickering. Sick of the close-mindedness. Sick of the discord. Sick of the disrespect. Sick of the lack of love... I could go on and on.
We are all children of whatever Higher Power we individually believe in. Call it what you will, but we are all children of God. God loves each and every one of us regardless of our race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. Bottom line, GOD LOVES US ALL NO MATTER WHAT! What is the problem with loving each other as equals?! Why do we think we are better than other people because they are different. Just because people have different beliefs doesn't give ANYONE the right to tear them down. We are all entitled to our own beliefs.
It is time for us all to act like mature adults and treat our fellow humans as equals and with respect. No more tearing other people down. Time to get past the fighting and realize we are all entitled to the same rights, same freedom, same unconditional love. Isn't that what religion and God have taught us? To love one another as you would love yourself? Well.. then it's about time to starting loving unconditionally and practice what you preach. This goes for everyone, on every side of the arguments.
I say again.. enough is enough!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Updates and a new haircut
So I heard back a week or so ago from the assessment I had for hopes of a treatment program. After the 2 hour assessment going through my whole life that reeked havoc on my anxiety the whole 2 hours, I was informed that they think I'm doing fine with what I'm doing right now with my therapy any meeting since I've been clean and sober for 9 months. I was initially really annoyed about it but I've been telling myself that it's a compliment to how I've been doing and how far I've come.
With recovery, I haven't been to as many meetings for a little while. Not sure why I guess. It feels as though I'm stuck with trying to get past all of my overwhelming fears and anxiety. My anxiety is still really hard a lot of the time. It is difficult for me to talk a lot and especially communicate from the heart without my jaw getting tense and my anxiety sky-rocketing. I'm still in therapy once a week trying to work through issues and also attending a substance abuse group once a week as well through my therapist. I'm not sure what to make of it yet but am trying to be hopeful that I can make some progress with it.
Personally and emotionally for a little while I've been very lonely. When things feel rough and overwhelming I tend to introvert and isolate which makes it worse, but generally I've been lonely. I have to keep reminding myself how far I've come in the last 10 months and remind myself to stop beating myself up over things. It's a fault of being overly critical of myself. Reminiscing of the past as well as beating myself up about it so it's kind of a war in my mind. I've been trying to keep busy with things for work and getting things done around the house at home to keep me occupied but I still get caught up in my own mind and still feel like I need external validation to help myself feel good. I guess it's the addict part of me that wants to have that instant gratification to feel good and being impatient with the whole process of learning to truly love myself for who I am.
My ex is kind of seeing someone. It's been just over a year and a half since we broke up and almost a year since I moved out. I'm not sure what will happen and the guy he's seeing and he said he's not sure either. The guy seems very nice and is very polite. The overly critical side of me keeps reminding myself of all of the wrong things I've done and how I could have been a better person. I can't seem to stop beating myself up over things. It's hard to see him back in the dating life no matter now serious.. Maybe because it was my first and only real relationship and it lasted 4 years. I also never really grew up emotionally so this is all firsts for me. This is nothing he can control and he deserves someone right for him.. Who will make him happy. I keep reminding myself that I can't control other people and, honestly, I really only with the best for him. I still care for him deeply. I guess I'm just having a very difficult time moving on and stopping beating myself up over what I've done.
I think that might be contributing to my loneliness. I miss having many things from the relationship. I also miss socializing with friends and so-called 'friends' even though I was acting self destructively. I guess it's a period of introspectiveness for me and I need to get out of my own head. I should start putting more effort in my recovery and trying to move past things. It's hard, but I think I just need to try to push through it. I can't stay in my protective little bubble forever and stuck in my own head.
Today I had the day off of work. I didn't do too much for the first half of the day. I decided I needed to get out and do something so I took the bus and went to get my hair cut. I guess I just needed to do something and change something. I'd been needing to get my hair trimmed anyway for the past month or two but I went short this time. Instead of the shaggy length I've had since I chopped my long hair off, it's now pretty short. It's gonna take some getting used to. I haven't had hair this short for almost 8 years. I like it though and it will be easier to maintain and take care of. Not the best picture, but I couldn't get the camera to focus more in the evening light in my room. :)
I also got a portfolio printed out. Maybe I'll get it set up online, too. It would be nice to start doing some freelance graphic design work sometime for a little extra income.
Anyway.. I think that's enough ranting for right now so I'm gonna finish watching a movie before bed. Hopefully won't wait as long next time before writing again but no promises. ;-P
With recovery, I haven't been to as many meetings for a little while. Not sure why I guess. It feels as though I'm stuck with trying to get past all of my overwhelming fears and anxiety. My anxiety is still really hard a lot of the time. It is difficult for me to talk a lot and especially communicate from the heart without my jaw getting tense and my anxiety sky-rocketing. I'm still in therapy once a week trying to work through issues and also attending a substance abuse group once a week as well through my therapist. I'm not sure what to make of it yet but am trying to be hopeful that I can make some progress with it.
Personally and emotionally for a little while I've been very lonely. When things feel rough and overwhelming I tend to introvert and isolate which makes it worse, but generally I've been lonely. I have to keep reminding myself how far I've come in the last 10 months and remind myself to stop beating myself up over things. It's a fault of being overly critical of myself. Reminiscing of the past as well as beating myself up about it so it's kind of a war in my mind. I've been trying to keep busy with things for work and getting things done around the house at home to keep me occupied but I still get caught up in my own mind and still feel like I need external validation to help myself feel good. I guess it's the addict part of me that wants to have that instant gratification to feel good and being impatient with the whole process of learning to truly love myself for who I am.
My ex is kind of seeing someone. It's been just over a year and a half since we broke up and almost a year since I moved out. I'm not sure what will happen and the guy he's seeing and he said he's not sure either. The guy seems very nice and is very polite. The overly critical side of me keeps reminding myself of all of the wrong things I've done and how I could have been a better person. I can't seem to stop beating myself up over things. It's hard to see him back in the dating life no matter now serious.. Maybe because it was my first and only real relationship and it lasted 4 years. I also never really grew up emotionally so this is all firsts for me. This is nothing he can control and he deserves someone right for him.. Who will make him happy. I keep reminding myself that I can't control other people and, honestly, I really only with the best for him. I still care for him deeply. I guess I'm just having a very difficult time moving on and stopping beating myself up over what I've done.
I think that might be contributing to my loneliness. I miss having many things from the relationship. I also miss socializing with friends and so-called 'friends' even though I was acting self destructively. I guess it's a period of introspectiveness for me and I need to get out of my own head. I should start putting more effort in my recovery and trying to move past things. It's hard, but I think I just need to try to push through it. I can't stay in my protective little bubble forever and stuck in my own head.
Today I had the day off of work. I didn't do too much for the first half of the day. I decided I needed to get out and do something so I took the bus and went to get my hair cut. I guess I just needed to do something and change something. I'd been needing to get my hair trimmed anyway for the past month or two but I went short this time. Instead of the shaggy length I've had since I chopped my long hair off, it's now pretty short. It's gonna take some getting used to. I haven't had hair this short for almost 8 years. I like it though and it will be easier to maintain and take care of. Not the best picture, but I couldn't get the camera to focus more in the evening light in my room. :)
Anyway.. I think that's enough ranting for right now so I'm gonna finish watching a movie before bed. Hopefully won't wait as long next time before writing again but no promises. ;-P
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