New updates

Well, I'm back in therapy regularly again. My therapist is having me read The Four Agreements which is very inspiring so far. I think if I really work on applying the lessons in the book to my life that it will be very beneficial for me. I also have 2 writing assignments between my therapist and my mentor. I need to write down my fears and my negative beliefs in a format I am familiar with it to better understand then so I can begin to work through them.

I'm wary about delving into it a bit but it definitely needs to be done. I'm tired of living life through fear and anxiety. One of the things that has come up during the bit of reading I've done so far in The Four Agreements is that I've never given myself permission to actually love myself. That came as a surprise to me that I'm now in the position of telling myself that it's ok to love myself. I'm starting a group therapy that will hopefully help me in my recovery along with my therapy. It's hard not having insurance that will pay for psychiatric care but it is definitely needed so I know I need to work it out.

I go in for my assessment toward the end of next month through some interim groups. The assessment will determine what kind of therapy they think best suits me as far as drug/alcohol addictions. It's a while to wait for it but I'm glad that it is an option for me right now.

I'm trying to get motivated more with graphics now that aren't as negative or emotionally painful and came up with one that I am pleased with. It's more of just a surreal graphic that is inspired by Totem Animals and their power.

Will see what else comes up for inspiration on more graphics and how the therapy goes.

Been a few weeks

So it's been a few weeks since my past post. Generally things have been the same lately. My anxiety has been very high and I've had trouble getting to meetings due to my anxiety. I recently saw my therapist as well as my psychiatrist. My meds have been adjusted to help with the anxiety and I'm now starting to work on changing my thought patterns which is definitely NOT easy when you are basically addicted to fear and anxiety after living in them for so long. It also appears that on some level my body and mind are creating more fear and intense anxiety the closer I get to a breakthrough with my recovery and self discovery.

For now I guess I need to keep pushing myself through this with the knowledge that I am still much better than I was and have made progress. I was told that it should be easier to manage the fear and anxiety when I finally push my way past this breakthrough. If I can keep that in mind, I think that would help with motivation. It is still hell a lot of the time with anxiety and fear, but I am still clean and sober which is definitely a miracle.

Mom also went in for surgery today to repair a hole in her heart. I was really worried about it. Dad kept me posted and the surgery went very well. They are just keeping her overnight in the hospital for observation then will do a few more tests and an ultrasound tomorrow before letting her come home. I talked to her this afternoon and she sounded really good. I was VERY relieved to hear that it went well. The hole turned out to be bigger than they thought and if they hadn't found it, she could have had a VERY severe stroke at any time. Needless to say we are all thrilled that the surgery looks like a success.

I haven't done any new graphics yet. With new things to think about from my therapist, maybe I'll start to get some inspiration for a new one to work on. I've been giving it some though but haven't gotten anything yet. I'll keep thinking about it and see what comes up.

Working on a new graphic

It's been a fairly uneventful week again. Anxiety has been high and I've missed some meetings so I've been home a lot trying to relax and take things easy. I got some ideas for a new graphic from a quote my dad told me... "Most people die with their music still inside them." It's still a work in progress but here is what I have so far.

We'll see how it goes for more inspiration to play with the picture since I'd like to ad something and change it up a bit. It just doesn't seem quite finished to me yet.