It Gets Better

Since the It Gets Better videos have been coming out in light of the bullying, battles between communities  and suicides, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. It has had me thinking of my own life and the struggles and journeys I have been through. I wondered what the It Gets Better would visually look like and feel like I should tell the bulk of my own story.

From a young age growing up I knew I was different. I was always the quiet boy who kept to himself and tried to 'go with the flow'. I've always avoided confrontations and situations that aren't comfortable. I was taught to believe in a faith that I wasn't sure about.

In my early teens I started to discover that I was attracted to men but I didn't give it too much thought on what that meant. I had learned very early growing up to hide my emotions whether happy or sad and to always keep a mask on. This was my defense to hide myself from others and to hide from myself as well.

In my sophmore year of high school I finally started to realize that my attractions were that of being gay and began to slowly realize what being gay was. This was a very hard time for me. Growing up Mormon I was in a battle with myself and was suicidal for what seemed like ages at the time. Though I never acted on it, I did think about it quite often as well as self-mutilation (cutting). I went into counseling to deal with the severe depression which I don't remember how much of it helped.

At 16 I started coming out to a few friends and at 17 I came out to my parents and family. Growing up in a Mormon family, this wasn't something that was generally accepted. I again hit another depression.

At my current age of 30 years I look back on what my life has been like. Initially after coming out, I received highlighted sections of the Ensign briefly. I started doing drag as a way to be someone else for the night when I would go out to clubs. I had grown apart from school friends and lost some for being gay. I was hiding from myself and did not want to deal with anything. The day I turned 21 I could finally go to the adult side of the bars and regularly engaged in my habit of drinking which I found to help me escape from my life.

To summarize my last 9 years, my drinking slowly became out of control. I continually wanted to hide from myself and conform to my newfound community to avoid losing any more friends. In 2003 at 23 years of age, I tested positive for HIV due to my drinking, depression and risky behaviors to be liked and wanted. I eventually found a partner I was with for 4 years. I was happy for a few years but my depression, insecurities and habits of hiding from myself along with my drinking slowly lost control. I tried quitting drinking once which only lasted 74 days. I went back out even more depressed and lost complete control of my drinking, sense of self and ended up with a heavy cocaine habit on the way. I ruined my relationship and had thrown my life away all trying to escape from life.

I finally ended up with a 2 week stay in the University Psychiatric Institute at the prodding suggestion of my psychiatrist as I had been cutting myself and was working towards an actual suicide attempt. I was lucky to be alive. I was told later I should have overdosed on a number of occasions. I've done too many horrible things to count all because I could never be true to myself and that led me to near death and ruining lives around me.

Today I am just over 1 year clean and sober in drug and alcohol recovery. I am in therapy working through my depression and am finding out that through everything I did, all the mistakes, all the traumas... I was hiding from myself. Even though my family accepted me for the last number of years for being gay, I couldn't accept myself. I never did. I look back now and realize that I've been hiding and hating myself this whole time.

Today I can finally look at myself in the mirror and not hate myself. Today is a new day and a new journey. There is no need to hate myself or hide anymore. My life has been getting so much better over the past year and I look back and wonder why it took me this long to realize what I had been doing. I can be true to myself and know that it's okay to love myself unconditionally.

Today I know that things  DO get better. There are people who love me and I am finally starting to be able to love myself. A wise person once said, religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I have definitely lived there. I found a God that loves me for who I am and does not condemn me to hell for who I am or what I've done.

What I know for a fact now is it DOES get better. If you are true to yourself and hold on, you can find peace and love. The It Gets Better videos to me not only give hope to young people struggling coming out, but also give me hope and strength to get through my life today, 12 years after I've come out.

I now see that I can make it through if I hold on.
I am 30 years old, ex-mormon, gay, HIV positive in drug and alcohol recovery and most of all... I survived.

Hold on. I promise it gets better.

Sheesh.. I should start writing more often.

I'm still clean and sober. I've been slacking somewhat on my amends work since I've been slacking and having a hard time working on my self amends.

Quitting smoking hasn't been an easy road. I made just about a month and then for some reason found myself taking off my nicotine patch and buying a pack of cigarettes on Sunday. I had a hard time kicking myself for it but am planning on quitting again this weekend. Dad got me some patches so I'll be starting up on them again to help with my second attempt at quitting smoking.

I'm working on some Christmas presents for a few people that I'm very excited about. It's giving me a chance to be creative and give a few things that I actually made myself which also helps since my finances are very limited right now.

Therapy is still going very well. The substance abuse group was rough for a few weeks for me but I am very happy with how group went on Monday so I so far feel very comfortable with where we all agreed on taking the group from here.

Not all too much exciting going on lately really.. Mostly just work, meetings and slowly working on the few Christmas presents. I've also been helping a bit more with housework which is good for filling a bit of time and it needs to be done anyway. Might as well do a bunch of it without being asked.

Anyway.. That's my little update for now. :)

1 year!

I can't believe that today is 1 year clean and sober. Looking back it seems like time has flown by but daily it feels like it's been dragging forever. It's been a long journey to hell and back over the past year. Starting off with severe depression and anxiety. My psychiatrist put me on antipsychotic meds and told me I wasn't allowed to use on them. I quit everything cold turkey and started the meds. The next night I was in the ER with muscle spasms as a side effect from the medication and was told to stop it. 2 days later I woke up and couldn't stop shaking. I finally called and checked myself into UNI where I stayed for 2 weeks. My anxiety was so high that I don't even recall noticing any detoxing. Anxiety was so high when I was discharged that I tried to check myself back in.

After UNI, I started going to meetings. I needed something to keep me off of what I was using. I knew that if I started again I could likely die from either an overdose or spiraling down to a suicide attempt from my depression. I walked into recovery rooms in such immense pain and the lowest point of my life. For the first 4 months of sobriety I practically lived in the rooms. A therapist I saw told me I was very lucky I hadn't overdosed on a number of occasions from how excessive my using was. I've been deathly afraid to use again, knowing where it would take me.

It's been such a long year but I've been trying to put in a bunch of effort to recover and grow. To work through my issues and my addictions. It's been hell to work through and much harder than I thought. But.. It's working. It's 1 year later and I am still clean and sober. I walked in the rooms with pain and death in my eyes and heart and now I have some hope that I don't have to be in the position I was before. I'm slowly becoming a different person and already am feeling like I am such a different person than when I first got sober. The healing process is a lifetime journey but is already paying off in my life. I can function, I can work, I don't have to escape life. Learning to feel and cope with emotions is like pulling teeth for me, but I am finally feeling emotions and not using whatever I can find to escape them. I have a Higher Power in my life that I pray to every day now and am learning to live life on life's terms. I am learning to love and be open.

Surprisingly enough, I quit smoking. I thought I would wait longer before trying to quit but for some reason I decided to and today is 15 days without cigarettes now. Quitting smoking feels very similar to quitting everything else.

It's been such a long journey with so many trial, twists and turns so far but I am very proud of how far I've come and what I've been able to do in the past year. It's hell, but I've made it through thus far. Someone said once that religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I've definitely lived in hell for much longer than I want, but I need to look back on it and not regret my life. It's brought me to where I am today and I am finally learning to be myself and be okay with that. I have a long way to go and I finally have some hope in my life.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but just for today I am going to stay sober and pray for help to stay sober and be able to help other people.