With recovery, I haven't been to as many meetings for a little while. Not sure why I guess. It feels as though I'm stuck with trying to get past all of my overwhelming fears and anxiety. My anxiety is still really hard a lot of the time. It is difficult for me to talk a lot and especially communicate from the heart without my jaw getting tense and my anxiety sky-rocketing. I'm still in therapy once a week trying to work through issues and also attending a substance abuse group once a week as well through my therapist. I'm not sure what to make of it yet but am trying to be hopeful that I can make some progress with it.
Personally and emotionally for a little while I've been very lonely. When things feel rough and overwhelming I tend to introvert and isolate which makes it worse, but generally I've been lonely. I have to keep reminding myself how far I've come in the last 10 months and remind myself to stop beating myself up over things. It's a fault of being overly critical of myself. Reminiscing of the past as well as beating myself up about it so it's kind of a war in my mind. I've been trying to keep busy with things for work and getting things done around the house at home to keep me occupied but I still get caught up in my own mind and still feel like I need external validation to help myself feel good. I guess it's the addict part of me that wants to have that instant gratification to feel good and being impatient with the whole process of learning to truly love myself for who I am.
My ex is kind of seeing someone. It's been just over a year and a half since we broke up and almost a year since I moved out. I'm not sure what will happen and the guy he's seeing and he said he's not sure either. The guy seems very nice and is very polite. The overly critical side of me keeps reminding myself of all of the wrong things I've done and how I could have been a better person. I can't seem to stop beating myself up over things. It's hard to see him back in the dating life no matter now serious.. Maybe because it was my first and only real relationship and it lasted 4 years. I also never really grew up emotionally so this is all firsts for me. This is nothing he can control and he deserves someone right for him.. Who will make him happy. I keep reminding myself that I can't control other people and, honestly, I really only with the best for him. I still care for him deeply. I guess I'm just having a very difficult time moving on and stopping beating myself up over what I've done.
I think that might be contributing to my loneliness. I miss having many things from the relationship. I also miss socializing with friends and so-called 'friends' even though I was acting self destructively. I guess it's a period of introspectiveness for me and I need to get out of my own head. I should start putting more effort in my recovery and trying to move past things. It's hard, but I think I just need to try to push through it. I can't stay in my protective little bubble forever and stuck in my own head.
Today I had the day off of work. I didn't do too much for the first half of the day. I decided I needed to get out and do something so I took the bus and went to get my hair cut. I guess I just needed to do something and change something. I'd been needing to get my hair trimmed anyway for the past month or two but I went short this time. Instead of the shaggy length I've had since I chopped my long hair off, it's now pretty short. It's gonna take some getting used to. I haven't had hair this short for almost 8 years. I like it though and it will be easier to maintain and take care of. Not the best picture, but I couldn't get the camera to focus more in the evening light in my room. :)
Anyway.. I think that's enough ranting for right now so I'm gonna finish watching a movie before bed. Hopefully won't wait as long next time before writing again but no promises. ;-P
