It's already been 6 days without cigarettes. It's definitely been rough but I can't believe I've already made it 6 days. The nicotine patches are a God-send. They help a bit with the cravings and I've been eating a lot of the dum dum suckers. I still get urges a lot to go outside and smoke and have still had anxiety but it's at least been tolerable which I wasn't expecting.
Getting closer to the 1 year mark. Michael gave me a gift today of an 8gb ipod touch as a congratulations on my one year combined with my Christmas present. It was incredibly thoughtful and generous of him and I was very surprised to get it. He said he was very proud of me for getting as far I have so far which meant a lot to me. He'd seen my facebook post where I said I was trying to save up for an ipod touch so I'm thrilled to have one. The 8gb should be perfect for a while so I can save up for one with larger memory since they are so expensive. I still can't believe he got one for me. It's going to be a pain in the ass to reinstall itunes and get everything set again, but will definitely be worth it since I am familiar with itunes and haven't had an ipod that worked for quite a while.
Will see how it goes with the smoking. I hope to keep things together with quitting and make it last and am very excited to be getting my 1 year chip soon!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Night before
Well, today started off pretty crappy. Mom had me take a photo of the logo of the charity she started so I could text it to the guy that does the embroidering of it on bags and such. She woke me up early before she left for work to remind me to text it to him. I never really got fully back to sleep after that. When I finally got up I had my morning cigarette and my anxiety was raging. For a while I was afraid that my jaw was going to lock and the muscle spasms were going to happen again. I finally made it to work at 12:15 instead of going to my noon meeting so I could get some more hours at work. I spent all afternoon at work helping Michael get some wedding announcements printed and ready. Instead of catching a ride home when my brother picked up my mom at 3:30, I stayed til 6:15 to help Michael get things finished up what needed to be done. I never did get a chance to get ads done for the issue of the paper coming out next week so I brought a bunch of work home since I'm only in the office for a few hours on monday and the ads need to get done.
On the way to the office I stopped at Walgreen's and got some nicotine patches and 2 bags of dum dums. Tomorrow is my first day I've planned to quit smoking. I'm hoping and praying that the patches help and my anxiety will be manageable. It's been such a long day today and I've been very emotional, angry and on edge. I'm very nervous for tomorrow morning since I have my first cigarette within 10-15 min after getting up in the morning. I got some advice online from a few other people on a website for quitting smoking that they are there early so when I wake up I should put my first patch right on and log on to the website to chat so it will keep my hands occupied. I think I'm going to try that and see how things go.
There's going to be a lot of deep breathing tomorrow and praying for help with the withdrawals of quitting. I've been smoking for 8 years and have never tried this before.
I've been trying to be able to afford getting a used ipod touch or something but can't afford it this weekend since I spent some money getting the patches and such. I'm pretty bummed that I still can't afford one right now. If I can stay without smoking at all it will save a bit of money though. My psychiatrists pharmacist said I should set aside the money I would have spent on a pack of cigarettes and once a month or so use it to treat myself to something nice as a reward and something to look forward to. Maybe this will help get a used ipod and pay some bills. I could sure use that and I know I need to quit smoking.
Will see how tomorrow goes. Everyone says it almost always takes a handful of times to quit and my psychiatrist said it won't be as bad as I think it will be. I'm hoping and praying that she is right.
On the way to the office I stopped at Walgreen's and got some nicotine patches and 2 bags of dum dums. Tomorrow is my first day I've planned to quit smoking. I'm hoping and praying that the patches help and my anxiety will be manageable. It's been such a long day today and I've been very emotional, angry and on edge. I'm very nervous for tomorrow morning since I have my first cigarette within 10-15 min after getting up in the morning. I got some advice online from a few other people on a website for quitting smoking that they are there early so when I wake up I should put my first patch right on and log on to the website to chat so it will keep my hands occupied. I think I'm going to try that and see how things go.
There's going to be a lot of deep breathing tomorrow and praying for help with the withdrawals of quitting. I've been smoking for 8 years and have never tried this before.
I've been trying to be able to afford getting a used ipod touch or something but can't afford it this weekend since I spent some money getting the patches and such. I'm pretty bummed that I still can't afford one right now. If I can stay without smoking at all it will save a bit of money though. My psychiatrists pharmacist said I should set aside the money I would have spent on a pack of cigarettes and once a month or so use it to treat myself to something nice as a reward and something to look forward to. Maybe this will help get a used ipod and pay some bills. I could sure use that and I know I need to quit smoking.
Will see how tomorrow goes. Everyone says it almost always takes a handful of times to quit and my psychiatrist said it won't be as bad as I think it will be. I'm hoping and praying that she is right.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Quitting smoking for the first time
So I had the day off of work today since I had an afternoon appt with my psychiatrist. It went well. She was very excited that I am just over 2 weeks away from my 1 year mark of sobriety and also excited that I was able to take a big step out of my comfort zone with my graphic and last post here.
We talked about quitting smoking since I mentioned that I think it's about time I try to quit. She and the pharmacist who works with her gave me some advice. I've decided that my first day attempting to quit will be this Saturday. I'm VERY nervous. I've never tried quitting before and am very worried about my anxiety. I'm going to be getting some nicotine patches from the store and see how they help. I was given advice to stock up on healthy snacks and make sure that I do a lot of deep breathing when I get anxious. They also gave me a website to go to for support from other people quitting or who have quit a while ago. I think I'll end up spending a bunch of time there asking questions and am probably going to try to get advice and support from one of their counselors over the phone.
UGH! I can't believe it's already almost a year sober now. I'm just starting my amends step and the first on my list is myself. I'm going to need to do a lot of reading and learning how to forgive and make amends to myself so I can move on toward making amends to other people. I also can't believe I'm serious about quitting smoking now. I definitely think it's a thing I need to do even though I am so nervous and anxious about it.
I've been told it usually takes several tries for quitting smoking so I'm nervous and interested to see how it goes. My psychiatrist told me it won't be nearly as bad as I'm expecting so I am REALLY hoping she is right.
We'll see how the first day goes. I've been without cigarettes for a day or two before in the last few years because I couldn't afford them and I was quite the big bitch. I'd probably better warn everyone I'm around that I'm trying to quit and expect me to be very anxious and on edge.
We talked about quitting smoking since I mentioned that I think it's about time I try to quit. She and the pharmacist who works with her gave me some advice. I've decided that my first day attempting to quit will be this Saturday. I'm VERY nervous. I've never tried quitting before and am very worried about my anxiety. I'm going to be getting some nicotine patches from the store and see how they help. I was given advice to stock up on healthy snacks and make sure that I do a lot of deep breathing when I get anxious. They also gave me a website to go to for support from other people quitting or who have quit a while ago. I think I'll end up spending a bunch of time there asking questions and am probably going to try to get advice and support from one of their counselors over the phone.
UGH! I can't believe it's already almost a year sober now. I'm just starting my amends step and the first on my list is myself. I'm going to need to do a lot of reading and learning how to forgive and make amends to myself so I can move on toward making amends to other people. I also can't believe I'm serious about quitting smoking now. I definitely think it's a thing I need to do even though I am so nervous and anxious about it.
I've been told it usually takes several tries for quitting smoking so I'm nervous and interested to see how it goes. My psychiatrist told me it won't be nearly as bad as I'm expecting so I am REALLY hoping she is right.
We'll see how the first day goes. I've been without cigarettes for a day or two before in the last few years because I couldn't afford them and I was quite the big bitch. I'd probably better warn everyone I'm around that I'm trying to quit and expect me to be very anxious and on edge.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Enough is enough
Been a while... yet again.
Monday in my substance abuse group we were talking about argumentativeness. When I was asked to share I ended up rambling and got on a tangent on everything going on between the GLBT community and the LDS church in the fight for human rights, Boyd K Packers comments in General Conference against gays and the dramatic rise in bullying and suicides of young teens. All that sharing brought up some very rough emotions for me.
I grew up LDS and actively went to church until I turned 18 and also came out as gay at 17. My first year in High School I was suicidal while I was trying to figure out who I was and hadn't come out of the closet yet. Since then I have battled suicidal tendencies, drug and alcohol addiction and depression as well as self mutilation up to this very day. Everything since Proposition 8 between the gay and LDS communities has been escalating up until the most recent event with Boyd K Packers comments on homosexuality in Conference.
There have been so many comments and opinions from both sides and so many hateful and hurtful things said. All of this arguing has been hitting me very hard. I can see both sides. I've LIVED both sides and I've been suicidal before so I can relate to the young teens with how they feel and how President Packers comments can come across to young LDS members who are struggling with their sexual identity. I feel like I am caught right in the middle and it is incredibly painful.
Every time I read the hurtful comments from either side, it just makes me sick to my stomach. It increases my depression ten-fold and I find it very hard to try to pull myself out of it and still maintain my sobriety and recovery. Since the substance abuse group yesterday when I starting bringing up all those feelings out of nowhere and not realizing fully how passionate I feel about it, I feel like I just needed to create something to express what I am feeling. This is what I came up with.
I titled this graphic "Enough is Enough". That is how I feel.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I am sick of the fighting. Sick of the hateful and hurtful comments. Sick of the bickering. Sick of the close-mindedness. Sick of the discord. Sick of the disrespect. Sick of the lack of love... I could go on and on.
We are all children of whatever Higher Power we individually believe in. Call it what you will, but we are all children of God. God loves each and every one of us regardless of our race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. Bottom line, GOD LOVES US ALL NO MATTER WHAT! What is the problem with loving each other as equals?! Why do we think we are better than other people because they are different. Just because people have different beliefs doesn't give ANYONE the right to tear them down. We are all entitled to our own beliefs.
It is time for us all to act like mature adults and treat our fellow humans as equals and with respect. No more tearing other people down. Time to get past the fighting and realize we are all entitled to the same rights, same freedom, same unconditional love. Isn't that what religion and God have taught us? To love one another as you would love yourself? Well.. then it's about time to starting loving unconditionally and practice what you preach. This goes for everyone, on every side of the arguments.
I say again.. enough is enough!
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