I feel like I need to vent.. I just don't know quite how to start or what I'm going to say exactly.
I'm depressed. Seeing quite a bit going on through Facebook, Youtube and various articles online as well as the comments and reactions on all of them have given me mixed emotions that have, I guess, basically added to some of what I had been feeling that I hadn't quite recognized on the surface and exacerbated it.
We seem to be communities bent on labeling others in any way shape or form and doing our best to tear other people up over our own opinions in an effort to prove that our opinions, views and passions on things are the "correct" ones without a second thought that other people are not in our control. I've been witnessing labels and shredding of other people for as long as I can remember and it just seems to have gotten infinitely worse over time. Faggot, dyke, Jesus freak, selfish, freak, unfit, lazy, ugly, weak, fat, druggie, lush, liar, fake, asshole, "he deserved it", "you're going to hell", "God hates you", "____ should just be shot or die already".. This list could go on and on, obviously.
While I've seen enough of this tearing down and harsh judgement my entire life, it seems like things have gotten entirely out of control lately. It's a wonder to me that people have the courage to actually put their pain out for the world to see when I see so much hateful repercussion coming back. It brings me to tears to see the unedited and unbridled hate that attacks people as if they "deserve it". Knowing that in spite of some support received when sharing their pain, people are attacked so viciously about every possible nuance or character about themselves, it baffles me that people are willing to share their pain at all. Honestly, I don't know why I am sharing this right now at all since I fully expect that myself.
I've dealt with depression for the bulk of my life. Growing up gay in a very religious atmosphere forced me to grow up quickly and hide behind a mask of a supposed calm and well-mannered demeanor. Unfortunately, this didn't allow me to develop emotionally as most do during childhood and teen years. I am now learning to feel the emotions and express them which is almost entirely foreign to me. This overwhelming judgement, hate, attacking and more affects me very deeply. I don't understand where the compassion has gone. I don't understand that, while we are fighting for freedom, equal rights and happiness, we are denying people of those same things. The right to be who they feel they are inside. The right to feel and express their pain without being degraded and called weak. The right to make their own mistakes and learn from them. The right to lend someone a hand when they need guidance toward learning through life's lessons. The right to have different beliefs than others. The right to disagree but agree to disagree without it turning into anger and hateful arguments. The right to be treated as a human being equal to every other human. The right to treat others how YOU want to be treated.
Many know my life's story and many do not. For some people, what I've dealt with would seem much easier to them as how I've done. That is your opinion, however, the way I've felt things and how difficult it was for me is an entirely different story. I've battled depression most of my life. Battling coming out as gay in a Mormon family was very difficult for me. My sophmore year in High School I was suicidal from the depression. I finally came out my Jr Year. I'd always known I was different from everyone else and now everyone knew why. Things were ok for a while. Not perfect but I was getting by. I had fairly supportive friends.. We didn't talk about the gay aspect much at all but being in the Drama Club crowd I at least had a safe haven from the rest of the school though I still didn't feel like I really fit in. I stopped going to church because I did not hold the same beliefs as my family and felt that I needed to find my own spiritual path. I know this was hard for my family but we agreed to disagree and since I was now 18, I was able to make my own decisions regarding my spirituality. After High School I fell out of friendship with many people due to being gay and taking a different path than the traditional Mormon path of life. I made new friends and started clubbing. Once I was 21 I found that alcohol allowed me to shed the mask over my calm demeanor and my emotions and was able to finally start being outgoing. I felt free. I felt like I fit in. I was part of a group that had fun. Close to the same time I began my drag career. Again, I found an escape. Combined with the alcohol, drag let me be someone else. I was able to escape my emotions and be the outgoing person I wanted to be. I didn't feel inhibited and embarrassed. My behavior became reckless.
Several years later in 2003 I came home with the worst news I could tell my parents. I was HIV positive. I immediately sought treatment and started on meds. Over the course of the next 6 years my life was a roller coaster. I experienced rejection from being poz too many times to count. I isolated from my family. I immersed myself in alcohol and drag because it let me escape and numb myself. I found a relationship with a wonderful person whom I loved and still deeply care about which we were together for 4 years. I started to rekindle relationships with my family, though not all because not all of them approve of my lifestyle and to this day I haven't seen them in 4 years. My depression started coming back and in 2005 I had a nervous breakdown, thus beginning my cutting. My life spiraled downward. I turned to alcohol more than ever and began working for the bars and was introduced to drugs as well. I lived to drink and drug my life away in hopes that I wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable, even though almost everything was skin deep and shallow around me. To shorten the story, I did too many things I shouldn't have and screwed up my relationship which ended in 2009. Another nervous breakdown erupted and my depression became overwhelming. I turned to drugs, alcohol and cutting more than ever until I was finally hospitalized and started my sobriety on November 6, 2009 cutting ties with the bar life and many people who I thought were friends. Sadly, only a few remained.
Since then I have become closer to my parents and have maintained my sobriety thus far, though much of the time has been beyond painful, especially in the beginning. The past little while the depression has been steadily increasing, yet I've stayed strong. The temptation to drink or use again comes often, yet I stay strong and resist. The scars on my arms have been begging to grow and multiply, yet I stay strong and resist. The anxiety is often overwhelming, yet I continue to pray for relieve and guidance. The loneliness grows almost unbearable that part of me yearns for the bar life again to be social, even though it's skin deep now, yet I stay strong and resist. Everywhere I turn I see the hate, labels and judgement thrown and people consumed by rage, yet I put on my mask and silently bear it.
Today, I am sick of being strong. I am sick of seeing rage and hate everywhere. I am sick of the labels. I am sick of the judgement. I am sick of people using God's name to keep their power over those who are different. I am sick of people using Equal Rights as an excuse to throw the same rage and hate filled words back at the ones who deny them. I am sick of people ignoring the ones taking their own lives because they can't bear it anymore. I am sick of people saying that suicide is because they are "too weak to love themselves". I'm sick of silently bearing my emotions til they eat me away inside. I'm sick of being the calm collected one and never being the one to cry to a shoulder where there is no chance of a harsh word or judgement.
Not all of us have the knowledge and experience to deal with emotions easily. When immense self-hatred and loathing have been there as long as you can remember and are ingrained in your mind and heart, you have no idea what it's like to try to change that and how every single degrading word you see or hear only reaffirms your self-loathing.
You want labels? Fine. I am a gay, ex-mormon, drag queen living with HIV, full of fear, battling depression and fighting for survival by not giving in to addiction and self mutilation again who can't bear to look at himself in the mirror, etc.
I've heard that it's ridiculous to wish we all could just get along... Well, sometimes the hope that someday we might be able to be just one community who celebrates our differences instead of judging through rage is all that gets us through the day. Sometimes that hope and fantasy is all we have. Take that away and people can break. Tear them down and you can send them over the edge. All it takes is one word to affect someone more than you can imagine.
Though it seems foolish, I still continue to believe that we can build a community build on love. It's difficult for me to see nowadays though I continually pray for guidance and help to make this happen. I just don't know how much more of the rage and hate I can bear by myself.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
The journey and new realizations
It's amazing how you realize things as they come in the journey of life. Tonight I realized how even more amazing it can be to look back over a very hard journey and see how far to have come.
Today I had my last session of the weekly therapy sessions I've had since the beginning of august as well as my last substance abuse group through my therapist as well. I guess you could say I graduated from group, though if I feel the need to attend periodically I have been told I am welcome to come back to attend anytime. Being my 'last' group session I was asked to talk about what I have learned and what obstacles have been in my way among other things.
I am usually not one to do much talking and have had communication issues my whole life but tonight in group I ended up being pretty long-winded. I surprised even myself with everything I said. Once I started speaking, the words just kept flowing as if they needed to come out and be heard, not only to the others there but to myself as well. I told my story of my substance abuse. How before I got clean and sober I basically 'lived' to 'use'. I was always afraid to by myself. I escaped virtually every emotion by using so I wouldn't have to feel anything. I was terrified of communication and petrified of just being myself. I lived in a world built by my mind where everything was skin deep and had no meaning. I kept myself closed off from intimacy, conflict, anger and love. I deeply hurt people who are very important to me and whom I love and have done things to them that I cannot erase. I continued to slowly kill myself through my 'using' for a total of roughly 10 years and I only just turned 31. I finally reached a point where my using was so out of control and I had completely destroyed everything around me I tried to destroy myself. I used more than ever, restarted self mutilation and was finally diagnosed with psychotic depression. I couldn't function. I couldn't work and could barely do anything but lay on the couch.
I spoke to the group about how far down in hell I had gone and what it was like. I spoke of what it was like getting sober for the first time. I had checked myself in to UNI at the urge from my psychiatrist and spent 2 weeks there. Afterwards I desperately tried to find anyone who could help keep me from turning to drugs and alcohol to escape again. I found friends that knew my pain. At that point, all there was to me was pain. I've been told that, then, looking in my eyes all you could see was immense pain and hopelessness. This lasted for about 4 months, though it seemed like 4 years. I then started seeing a therapist weekly along with help from a friend and mentor.
I didn't know it at the time, but something started changing. I had found a small amount of drive to pull myself up. I no longer wanted to die. I had almost died countless times from my using and the thought of going back to that absolutely terrified me. I began to want to learn ways to cope with my anxiety and depression. Over the next 5-6 months I began learning coping skills. I've had some very rough times and too many days where I've had to take the day 1 minute at a time just to make it through, but I made it through the day. Because of the drive I found to stay clean and sober, I became completely honest, open and very willing to try to learn to live life. I have had a few breakthroughs on the way. The first being a time in group where for the first time I can remember, I spoke completely what was on my heart and in my mind. I slowly started to learn that I could express myself and show people who I am and what I am thinking.
As I spoke to the group of my journey in sobriety, I started to realize how different I am from the first day I stopped using. It's as if there are 2 different people. I spoke of how dramatically my life has changed. I have found a Higher Power in my life whom I pray to every day, I continue to be honest, open and willing to learn and to grow, though it's not easy. I still have such a long journey ahead and some deeply rooted, festering issues to begin addressing but by being honest, open and completely willing from the beginning, things slowly began improving and I was blessed with people in my life who could help me grow and learn to cope with life. I spoke of many things dealing with my addict mind and at times I felt like a substance abuse counselor as I watched their faces listening to my story. I explained to them how profound the difference is between me now and the me who was 'using'. It is almost indescribable.
I'm not perfect. I still strive to learn how to completely love myself. I still struggle with severe anxiety among other things. But... I am clean and sober today. I have a story I can share. I spoke to the group of how much it means to me to be able to share my story with them and have people relate to it because they are going through things I've gone through. I told them how profoundly touching it is to be able to help others because I have walked that road and have been there. I told them that there is hope and it is possible to find happiness. I found a very moving, spiritual profound feeling as I realized I was able to give people hope and something to help them through their trials by just being me and speaking from my heart of the journey I have been on.
Though I still have a lot to deal with and large issues I have yet to touch, I am very happy and grateful to have had the chance to share my story, touch a few lives and souls and find a serenity and peace that came with it. Though it did not last too long after the meeting, I will remember that serenity and made another breakthrough. I was able to look back at the journey and through telling my story I was able to start to realize how far I've come. In just under 2 weeks I will reach my 18 month mark of being clean and sober. I feel truly blessed to have been able to share so much from the heart to the group tonight and tell my thoughts and feelings here. Today may have been very rough, but tonight was very rewarding in very many ways.
Tonight I go to bed clean and sober after a day of being very honest, very open and very willing to grow, learn and help others through love. I think that is a blessed experience.
Today I had my last session of the weekly therapy sessions I've had since the beginning of august as well as my last substance abuse group through my therapist as well. I guess you could say I graduated from group, though if I feel the need to attend periodically I have been told I am welcome to come back to attend anytime. Being my 'last' group session I was asked to talk about what I have learned and what obstacles have been in my way among other things.
I am usually not one to do much talking and have had communication issues my whole life but tonight in group I ended up being pretty long-winded. I surprised even myself with everything I said. Once I started speaking, the words just kept flowing as if they needed to come out and be heard, not only to the others there but to myself as well. I told my story of my substance abuse. How before I got clean and sober I basically 'lived' to 'use'. I was always afraid to by myself. I escaped virtually every emotion by using so I wouldn't have to feel anything. I was terrified of communication and petrified of just being myself. I lived in a world built by my mind where everything was skin deep and had no meaning. I kept myself closed off from intimacy, conflict, anger and love. I deeply hurt people who are very important to me and whom I love and have done things to them that I cannot erase. I continued to slowly kill myself through my 'using' for a total of roughly 10 years and I only just turned 31. I finally reached a point where my using was so out of control and I had completely destroyed everything around me I tried to destroy myself. I used more than ever, restarted self mutilation and was finally diagnosed with psychotic depression. I couldn't function. I couldn't work and could barely do anything but lay on the couch.
I spoke to the group about how far down in hell I had gone and what it was like. I spoke of what it was like getting sober for the first time. I had checked myself in to UNI at the urge from my psychiatrist and spent 2 weeks there. Afterwards I desperately tried to find anyone who could help keep me from turning to drugs and alcohol to escape again. I found friends that knew my pain. At that point, all there was to me was pain. I've been told that, then, looking in my eyes all you could see was immense pain and hopelessness. This lasted for about 4 months, though it seemed like 4 years. I then started seeing a therapist weekly along with help from a friend and mentor.
I didn't know it at the time, but something started changing. I had found a small amount of drive to pull myself up. I no longer wanted to die. I had almost died countless times from my using and the thought of going back to that absolutely terrified me. I began to want to learn ways to cope with my anxiety and depression. Over the next 5-6 months I began learning coping skills. I've had some very rough times and too many days where I've had to take the day 1 minute at a time just to make it through, but I made it through the day. Because of the drive I found to stay clean and sober, I became completely honest, open and very willing to try to learn to live life. I have had a few breakthroughs on the way. The first being a time in group where for the first time I can remember, I spoke completely what was on my heart and in my mind. I slowly started to learn that I could express myself and show people who I am and what I am thinking.
As I spoke to the group of my journey in sobriety, I started to realize how different I am from the first day I stopped using. It's as if there are 2 different people. I spoke of how dramatically my life has changed. I have found a Higher Power in my life whom I pray to every day, I continue to be honest, open and willing to learn and to grow, though it's not easy. I still have such a long journey ahead and some deeply rooted, festering issues to begin addressing but by being honest, open and completely willing from the beginning, things slowly began improving and I was blessed with people in my life who could help me grow and learn to cope with life. I spoke of many things dealing with my addict mind and at times I felt like a substance abuse counselor as I watched their faces listening to my story. I explained to them how profound the difference is between me now and the me who was 'using'. It is almost indescribable.
I'm not perfect. I still strive to learn how to completely love myself. I still struggle with severe anxiety among other things. But... I am clean and sober today. I have a story I can share. I spoke to the group of how much it means to me to be able to share my story with them and have people relate to it because they are going through things I've gone through. I told them how profoundly touching it is to be able to help others because I have walked that road and have been there. I told them that there is hope and it is possible to find happiness. I found a very moving, spiritual profound feeling as I realized I was able to give people hope and something to help them through their trials by just being me and speaking from my heart of the journey I have been on.
Though I still have a lot to deal with and large issues I have yet to touch, I am very happy and grateful to have had the chance to share my story, touch a few lives and souls and find a serenity and peace that came with it. Though it did not last too long after the meeting, I will remember that serenity and made another breakthrough. I was able to look back at the journey and through telling my story I was able to start to realize how far I've come. In just under 2 weeks I will reach my 18 month mark of being clean and sober. I feel truly blessed to have been able to share so much from the heart to the group tonight and tell my thoughts and feelings here. Today may have been very rough, but tonight was very rewarding in very many ways.
Tonight I go to bed clean and sober after a day of being very honest, very open and very willing to grow, learn and help others through love. I think that is a blessed experience.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Just another update
Good Lord. I'm not too great at updating my blog for the past while, am I?
Well, I'm still sober. 1 year, 4 months on this coming Sunday. My therapy is still going well, though my weekly sessions will end toward the end of April as well as the group I attend through there as well. I feel as though it has been helpful to me, especially looking back at myself on how I've been in the group setting. I still feel like I have a long way to go, but I also feel like I've definitely been making some progress. I have been learning to be a lot more open with myself and with communication in general. It's still quite difficult for me and wreaks havoc on my anxiety though I have been able to make it through thus far.
I am still trying to find a balance between my recovery and work lately. I know I really need to put a lot more focus on my recovery than I have been for a while but I also really need the house at work financially. With bills piling up my finances are very tight so it's been difficult for me to find a balance between the two. I would love to start getting some freelance graphic work but not much luck so far.
I've had a few small ideas for a new graphic or two to work on. I haven't really started on them yet. I think I need to do some looking around online for inspiration and give them a lot more thought before they'll start to come together in my mind to create them. We'll see where that goes.
I'm glad it's finally March. The weather should start getting warmer since we're now slowly starting to get into Spring. That makes me happy. Once we have a warm day and I'm free and at home I can start getting rid of all the fallen leaves and things in the garden. The tulips should be about ready to start coming out of the ground, though they will still be a ways a way from being fully grown and flowering. It's about time to clear the garden for them and wait to see which plants I planted last year actually come back this year. I planted a good amount of perennials and am hoping that a lot of them come back. I'd like to do a lot more with the garden this year so I am definitely looking forward to the warmer weather and being able to get back into the gardening season again. It feels good to put the work into the garden and having it pay off visually. I like being able to walk home in the evening and walk past the garden I've been working on and seeing all the flowers and things. I love flowers and foliage and it's even more pleasant when I've been doing it myself. Hopefully this year I can create a garden that I'll enjoy even more than last year. I think I'll have to put a lot of thought into how I'd like it to look so I can start making the plans for creating it.
Anyway, time to get some work done so I think that's it for now on here today.
Well, I'm still sober. 1 year, 4 months on this coming Sunday. My therapy is still going well, though my weekly sessions will end toward the end of April as well as the group I attend through there as well. I feel as though it has been helpful to me, especially looking back at myself on how I've been in the group setting. I still feel like I have a long way to go, but I also feel like I've definitely been making some progress. I have been learning to be a lot more open with myself and with communication in general. It's still quite difficult for me and wreaks havoc on my anxiety though I have been able to make it through thus far.
I am still trying to find a balance between my recovery and work lately. I know I really need to put a lot more focus on my recovery than I have been for a while but I also really need the house at work financially. With bills piling up my finances are very tight so it's been difficult for me to find a balance between the two. I would love to start getting some freelance graphic work but not much luck so far.
I've had a few small ideas for a new graphic or two to work on. I haven't really started on them yet. I think I need to do some looking around online for inspiration and give them a lot more thought before they'll start to come together in my mind to create them. We'll see where that goes.
I'm glad it's finally March. The weather should start getting warmer since we're now slowly starting to get into Spring. That makes me happy. Once we have a warm day and I'm free and at home I can start getting rid of all the fallen leaves and things in the garden. The tulips should be about ready to start coming out of the ground, though they will still be a ways a way from being fully grown and flowering. It's about time to clear the garden for them and wait to see which plants I planted last year actually come back this year. I planted a good amount of perennials and am hoping that a lot of them come back. I'd like to do a lot more with the garden this year so I am definitely looking forward to the warmer weather and being able to get back into the gardening season again. It feels good to put the work into the garden and having it pay off visually. I like being able to walk home in the evening and walk past the garden I've been working on and seeing all the flowers and things. I love flowers and foliage and it's even more pleasant when I've been doing it myself. Hopefully this year I can create a garden that I'll enjoy even more than last year. I think I'll have to put a lot of thought into how I'd like it to look so I can start making the plans for creating it.
Anyway, time to get some work done so I think that's it for now on here today.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Totally forgot!
Thanks Chels for reminding me.
I've been so caught up with how I'm feeling with anxiety and all of my issues that I completely forgot to mention in my last posting that my brother and sister-in-law came to visit over New Years and they brought their son, Milo, with them. It was the first time I've had the chance to meet him and he is the cutest thing EVER!!!
I went to lunch with them and mom and while we were shopping a little bit he wanted me to hold him so he could look at all the sunglasses in the glass case. He kept saying "woooooow" over and over and just pointing at everything. It was adorable!
Lunch was fun too cuz he kept looking at me a bunch and showing me the different facial expressions he makes. He has a 'handsome' face where he kind of smirks in a cute way and lifts his chin high in the air. He has a sour face, too, which is hysterical. He grimaces in a cross between being really angry and eating something disgusting. lol!
I wish I would have gotten pictures with him on my ipod touch to post. (sigh) Well, next time I get to see them I'll have to see about taking some pictures.
I've been so caught up with how I'm feeling with anxiety and all of my issues that I completely forgot to mention in my last posting that my brother and sister-in-law came to visit over New Years and they brought their son, Milo, with them. It was the first time I've had the chance to meet him and he is the cutest thing EVER!!!
I went to lunch with them and mom and while we were shopping a little bit he wanted me to hold him so he could look at all the sunglasses in the glass case. He kept saying "woooooow" over and over and just pointing at everything. It was adorable!
Lunch was fun too cuz he kept looking at me a bunch and showing me the different facial expressions he makes. He has a 'handsome' face where he kind of smirks in a cute way and lifts his chin high in the air. He has a sour face, too, which is hysterical. He grimaces in a cross between being really angry and eating something disgusting. lol!
I wish I would have gotten pictures with him on my ipod touch to post. (sigh) Well, next time I get to see them I'll have to see about taking some pictures.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Long Time
Wow... I can't believe it's already been just about 2 months since my last posting. I guess it's long overdue for an update.
Christmas was pretty good though mellow. I went to family Christmas dinner at Bonsai Japanese Steakhouse with my parents, brother, aunt and grandpa. It was fun. Christmas morning was good though a bit rough. I had quite a bit of anxiety that morning. I was thoroughly excited for Mom to open her Christmas present that Dad and I had been working on. I published and printed a short book at work for my dad called Memoirs Of A Miniature Schnauzer. It is based off of the email my dad would send to my mom from our 9lb miniature Schnauzer, Ellie. I copied all the email from my Mom's computer and my Dad and I wrote a bunch about Ellie's life and what she thinks of the members of the family along with a bunch of other things. I created graphics to go with each email and created a cover for the book. We'd been working on it for a month at least and it was the hardest secret we've ever kept from Mom.
When she finally opened it and read through a bit of it, she was laughing so hard that she could barely read and tears of laughter were streaming down her face. The wait for her to open the book and the work put into it was well worth it for the reaction. She took it to work and I've ended up printing close to 20 more books that Mom gave to people at work. A bunch of family members also got a copy for Christmas. I'm very happy with how the whole thing turned out and Dad was thrilled that it's finally published and printed.
New Years Eve was pretty quiet and uneventful for me. I just stayed home and helped Dad put together a new entertainment center for the TV he got for Christmas and ended up in bed by 11pm. No point in going out to celebrate New Years since I am still sober and do not want to go to the bar.
The past month and a half or so I've been plagued by more anxiety. For some reason my anxiety had gone back up in the mornings and I haven't been sleeping well. My psychiatrist adjusted one of my meds at the beginning of the month and since then my anxiety in the morning has been quite a bit worse along with my sleeping. I'm going to see her today to discuss options for treating the increased anxiety.
I'm still sober. February 6 will be 1 year and 3 months already. I find that I've been feeling stuck for a little while now in recovery. I have been working a lot more to get hours in at the office for the last 2 months so I haven't been making it to more than 1 meeting a week. It feels like a catch 22 somehow. I need the hours at work financially but I also feel like I need to put in more time with my meetings and recovery. I can't seem to find a balance there yet.
I recently listened to a handful of people discuss the 'jumping off point' in recovery where you can't see your life with alcohol/drugs but you also can't see your life without them. This rang very true for me. I was pretty emotional when I thought about it. I just feel lost lately.. I know I've been making some progress in different areas but I feel like they are areas that haven't been dealing directly with my self discovery.
When I look back at my life, I used to be so happy. I was able to deal with normal stress and I was able to cope with the normal things in life. Since my addictions took over my life, brought me to near death and now that I've been sober for just over a year, it feels like all of that is gone. Like the last straw that broke the camels back. I feel like something has snapped and I can no longer cope with things the way I used to. It's almost as if those skills were never there in the first place. It feels like I'm just broken and lost and I am waiting for an angel to come along to fix me and heal the wounds.. Guide me in the right direction and teach me how to live my life again.
I guess I just feel like a little child learning how to do everything and cope with everything all over again. The journey of finding myself is incredibly rough and I very often feel lost. It's very easy for me to start isolating again. It's almost like pulling teeth to get me to reach out because I don't know how to make friends anymore. As if I have much time anyway.. It takes me an hour in the morning to get to work and generally 1-2 hours to get home which leaves me on average only a few hours at the end of the day for what needs to get done, like my homework from my therapist, Step work and time for myself to relax.
I recently got a wii though. I'd been wanting one for quite a while. I think I just needed to do something for myself and right now at least playing on the wii keeps me busy and my mind occupied rather than just laying on my bed watching TV every night where I can get caught up in my head which is not a healthy place to be for an addict.
I've been told by a handful of people that I am a very different person now than when I first got sober a year ago. It's very nice when I hear that because it is so difficult for me to see that myself. I struggle often with seeing and feeling the changes that I've made in my life and recognizing that I am a different person.
Viktor Frankl said " A man who becomes conscious of the responsibiliy he bear toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the 'why' of his existence and will be able to bear any 'how'."
I just have such a difficult time finding the 'why' in my life. I can't seem to find the purpose for it all yet. I feel like I'm caught in a storm without being able to see when it will end or how to endure the chaos created by the storm. Like being in the eye of a hurricane and not knowing how big it is or which direction it is moving... Not knowing if there is a shelter to shield you from the wind or if the wind will lift you up and take you off with the hurricane itself.
That being said I guess I've rambled long enough for right now. I just have a lot on my mind I guess. I've been told that wondering all these questions is a good sign that I am finding my way, though I don't feel it right now.
I could go on at length about the details of my emotions and individual scenarios and thoughts but I think I'll just leave it a what I have written so far today. Glad I finally updated my blog again and was able to put at least some of my thoughts and feelings out there.
Christmas was pretty good though mellow. I went to family Christmas dinner at Bonsai Japanese Steakhouse with my parents, brother, aunt and grandpa. It was fun. Christmas morning was good though a bit rough. I had quite a bit of anxiety that morning. I was thoroughly excited for Mom to open her Christmas present that Dad and I had been working on. I published and printed a short book at work for my dad called Memoirs Of A Miniature Schnauzer. It is based off of the email my dad would send to my mom from our 9lb miniature Schnauzer, Ellie. I copied all the email from my Mom's computer and my Dad and I wrote a bunch about Ellie's life and what she thinks of the members of the family along with a bunch of other things. I created graphics to go with each email and created a cover for the book. We'd been working on it for a month at least and it was the hardest secret we've ever kept from Mom.
When she finally opened it and read through a bit of it, she was laughing so hard that she could barely read and tears of laughter were streaming down her face. The wait for her to open the book and the work put into it was well worth it for the reaction. She took it to work and I've ended up printing close to 20 more books that Mom gave to people at work. A bunch of family members also got a copy for Christmas. I'm very happy with how the whole thing turned out and Dad was thrilled that it's finally published and printed.
New Years Eve was pretty quiet and uneventful for me. I just stayed home and helped Dad put together a new entertainment center for the TV he got for Christmas and ended up in bed by 11pm. No point in going out to celebrate New Years since I am still sober and do not want to go to the bar.
The past month and a half or so I've been plagued by more anxiety. For some reason my anxiety had gone back up in the mornings and I haven't been sleeping well. My psychiatrist adjusted one of my meds at the beginning of the month and since then my anxiety in the morning has been quite a bit worse along with my sleeping. I'm going to see her today to discuss options for treating the increased anxiety.
I'm still sober. February 6 will be 1 year and 3 months already. I find that I've been feeling stuck for a little while now in recovery. I have been working a lot more to get hours in at the office for the last 2 months so I haven't been making it to more than 1 meeting a week. It feels like a catch 22 somehow. I need the hours at work financially but I also feel like I need to put in more time with my meetings and recovery. I can't seem to find a balance there yet.
I recently listened to a handful of people discuss the 'jumping off point' in recovery where you can't see your life with alcohol/drugs but you also can't see your life without them. This rang very true for me. I was pretty emotional when I thought about it. I just feel lost lately.. I know I've been making some progress in different areas but I feel like they are areas that haven't been dealing directly with my self discovery.
When I look back at my life, I used to be so happy. I was able to deal with normal stress and I was able to cope with the normal things in life. Since my addictions took over my life, brought me to near death and now that I've been sober for just over a year, it feels like all of that is gone. Like the last straw that broke the camels back. I feel like something has snapped and I can no longer cope with things the way I used to. It's almost as if those skills were never there in the first place. It feels like I'm just broken and lost and I am waiting for an angel to come along to fix me and heal the wounds.. Guide me in the right direction and teach me how to live my life again.
I guess I just feel like a little child learning how to do everything and cope with everything all over again. The journey of finding myself is incredibly rough and I very often feel lost. It's very easy for me to start isolating again. It's almost like pulling teeth to get me to reach out because I don't know how to make friends anymore. As if I have much time anyway.. It takes me an hour in the morning to get to work and generally 1-2 hours to get home which leaves me on average only a few hours at the end of the day for what needs to get done, like my homework from my therapist, Step work and time for myself to relax.
I recently got a wii though. I'd been wanting one for quite a while. I think I just needed to do something for myself and right now at least playing on the wii keeps me busy and my mind occupied rather than just laying on my bed watching TV every night where I can get caught up in my head which is not a healthy place to be for an addict.
I've been told by a handful of people that I am a very different person now than when I first got sober a year ago. It's very nice when I hear that because it is so difficult for me to see that myself. I struggle often with seeing and feeling the changes that I've made in my life and recognizing that I am a different person.
Viktor Frankl said " A man who becomes conscious of the responsibiliy he bear toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the 'why' of his existence and will be able to bear any 'how'."
I just have such a difficult time finding the 'why' in my life. I can't seem to find the purpose for it all yet. I feel like I'm caught in a storm without being able to see when it will end or how to endure the chaos created by the storm. Like being in the eye of a hurricane and not knowing how big it is or which direction it is moving... Not knowing if there is a shelter to shield you from the wind or if the wind will lift you up and take you off with the hurricane itself.
That being said I guess I've rambled long enough for right now. I just have a lot on my mind I guess. I've been told that wondering all these questions is a good sign that I am finding my way, though I don't feel it right now.
I could go on at length about the details of my emotions and individual scenarios and thoughts but I think I'll just leave it a what I have written so far today. Glad I finally updated my blog again and was able to put at least some of my thoughts and feelings out there.
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