It Gets Better

Since the It Gets Better videos have been coming out in light of the bullying, battles between communities  and suicides, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. It has had me thinking of my own life and the struggles and journeys I have been through. I wondered what the It Gets Better would visually look like and feel like I should tell the bulk of my own story.

From a young age growing up I knew I was different. I was always the quiet boy who kept to himself and tried to 'go with the flow'. I've always avoided confrontations and situations that aren't comfortable. I was taught to believe in a faith that I wasn't sure about.

In my early teens I started to discover that I was attracted to men but I didn't give it too much thought on what that meant. I had learned very early growing up to hide my emotions whether happy or sad and to always keep a mask on. This was my defense to hide myself from others and to hide from myself as well.

In my sophmore year of high school I finally started to realize that my attractions were that of being gay and began to slowly realize what being gay was. This was a very hard time for me. Growing up Mormon I was in a battle with myself and was suicidal for what seemed like ages at the time. Though I never acted on it, I did think about it quite often as well as self-mutilation (cutting). I went into counseling to deal with the severe depression which I don't remember how much of it helped.

At 16 I started coming out to a few friends and at 17 I came out to my parents and family. Growing up in a Mormon family, this wasn't something that was generally accepted. I again hit another depression.

At my current age of 30 years I look back on what my life has been like. Initially after coming out, I received highlighted sections of the Ensign briefly. I started doing drag as a way to be someone else for the night when I would go out to clubs. I had grown apart from school friends and lost some for being gay. I was hiding from myself and did not want to deal with anything. The day I turned 21 I could finally go to the adult side of the bars and regularly engaged in my habit of drinking which I found to help me escape from my life.

To summarize my last 9 years, my drinking slowly became out of control. I continually wanted to hide from myself and conform to my newfound community to avoid losing any more friends. In 2003 at 23 years of age, I tested positive for HIV due to my drinking, depression and risky behaviors to be liked and wanted. I eventually found a partner I was with for 4 years. I was happy for a few years but my depression, insecurities and habits of hiding from myself along with my drinking slowly lost control. I tried quitting drinking once which only lasted 74 days. I went back out even more depressed and lost complete control of my drinking, sense of self and ended up with a heavy cocaine habit on the way. I ruined my relationship and had thrown my life away all trying to escape from life.

I finally ended up with a 2 week stay in the University Psychiatric Institute at the prodding suggestion of my psychiatrist as I had been cutting myself and was working towards an actual suicide attempt. I was lucky to be alive. I was told later I should have overdosed on a number of occasions. I've done too many horrible things to count all because I could never be true to myself and that led me to near death and ruining lives around me.

Today I am just over 1 year clean and sober in drug and alcohol recovery. I am in therapy working through my depression and am finding out that through everything I did, all the mistakes, all the traumas... I was hiding from myself. Even though my family accepted me for the last number of years for being gay, I couldn't accept myself. I never did. I look back now and realize that I've been hiding and hating myself this whole time.

Today I can finally look at myself in the mirror and not hate myself. Today is a new day and a new journey. There is no need to hate myself or hide anymore. My life has been getting so much better over the past year and I look back and wonder why it took me this long to realize what I had been doing. I can be true to myself and know that it's okay to love myself unconditionally.

Today I know that things  DO get better. There are people who love me and I am finally starting to be able to love myself. A wise person once said, religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I have definitely lived there. I found a God that loves me for who I am and does not condemn me to hell for who I am or what I've done.

What I know for a fact now is it DOES get better. If you are true to yourself and hold on, you can find peace and love. The It Gets Better videos to me not only give hope to young people struggling coming out, but also give me hope and strength to get through my life today, 12 years after I've come out.

I now see that I can make it through if I hold on.
I am 30 years old, ex-mormon, gay, HIV positive in drug and alcohol recovery and most of all... I survived.

Hold on. I promise it gets better.

Sheesh.. I should start writing more often.

I'm still clean and sober. I've been slacking somewhat on my amends work since I've been slacking and having a hard time working on my self amends.

Quitting smoking hasn't been an easy road. I made just about a month and then for some reason found myself taking off my nicotine patch and buying a pack of cigarettes on Sunday. I had a hard time kicking myself for it but am planning on quitting again this weekend. Dad got me some patches so I'll be starting up on them again to help with my second attempt at quitting smoking.

I'm working on some Christmas presents for a few people that I'm very excited about. It's giving me a chance to be creative and give a few things that I actually made myself which also helps since my finances are very limited right now.

Therapy is still going very well. The substance abuse group was rough for a few weeks for me but I am very happy with how group went on Monday so I so far feel very comfortable with where we all agreed on taking the group from here.

Not all too much exciting going on lately really.. Mostly just work, meetings and slowly working on the few Christmas presents. I've also been helping a bit more with housework which is good for filling a bit of time and it needs to be done anyway. Might as well do a bunch of it without being asked.

Anyway.. That's my little update for now. :)

1 year!

I can't believe that today is 1 year clean and sober. Looking back it seems like time has flown by but daily it feels like it's been dragging forever. It's been a long journey to hell and back over the past year. Starting off with severe depression and anxiety. My psychiatrist put me on antipsychotic meds and told me I wasn't allowed to use on them. I quit everything cold turkey and started the meds. The next night I was in the ER with muscle spasms as a side effect from the medication and was told to stop it. 2 days later I woke up and couldn't stop shaking. I finally called and checked myself into UNI where I stayed for 2 weeks. My anxiety was so high that I don't even recall noticing any detoxing. Anxiety was so high when I was discharged that I tried to check myself back in.

After UNI, I started going to meetings. I needed something to keep me off of what I was using. I knew that if I started again I could likely die from either an overdose or spiraling down to a suicide attempt from my depression. I walked into recovery rooms in such immense pain and the lowest point of my life. For the first 4 months of sobriety I practically lived in the rooms. A therapist I saw told me I was very lucky I hadn't overdosed on a number of occasions from how excessive my using was. I've been deathly afraid to use again, knowing where it would take me.

It's been such a long year but I've been trying to put in a bunch of effort to recover and grow. To work through my issues and my addictions. It's been hell to work through and much harder than I thought. But.. It's working. It's 1 year later and I am still clean and sober. I walked in the rooms with pain and death in my eyes and heart and now I have some hope that I don't have to be in the position I was before. I'm slowly becoming a different person and already am feeling like I am such a different person than when I first got sober. The healing process is a lifetime journey but is already paying off in my life. I can function, I can work, I don't have to escape life. Learning to feel and cope with emotions is like pulling teeth for me, but I am finally feeling emotions and not using whatever I can find to escape them. I have a Higher Power in my life that I pray to every day now and am learning to live life on life's terms. I am learning to love and be open.

Surprisingly enough, I quit smoking. I thought I would wait longer before trying to quit but for some reason I decided to and today is 15 days without cigarettes now. Quitting smoking feels very similar to quitting everything else.

It's been such a long journey with so many trial, twists and turns so far but I am very proud of how far I've come and what I've been able to do in the past year. It's hell, but I've made it through thus far. Someone said once that religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I've definitely lived in hell for much longer than I want, but I need to look back on it and not regret my life. It's brought me to where I am today and I am finally learning to be myself and be okay with that. I have a long way to go and I finally have some hope in my life.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but just for today I am going to stay sober and pray for help to stay sober and be able to help other people.

6 days smoke free

It's already been 6 days without cigarettes. It's definitely been rough but I can't believe I've already made it 6 days. The nicotine patches are a God-send. They help a bit with the cravings and I've been eating a lot of the dum dum suckers. I still get urges a lot to go outside and smoke and have still had anxiety but it's at least been tolerable which I wasn't expecting.

Getting closer to the 1 year mark. Michael gave me a gift today of an 8gb ipod touch as a congratulations on my one year combined with my Christmas present. It was incredibly thoughtful and generous of him and I was very surprised to get it. He said he was very proud of me for getting as far I have so far which meant a lot to me. He'd seen my facebook post where I said I was trying to save up for an ipod touch so I'm thrilled to have one. The 8gb should be perfect for a while so I can save up for one with larger memory since they are so expensive. I still can't believe he got one for me. It's going to be a pain in the ass to reinstall itunes and get everything set again, but will definitely be worth it since I am familiar with itunes and haven't had an ipod that worked for quite a while.

Will see how it goes with the smoking. I hope to keep things together with quitting and make it last and am very excited to be getting my 1 year chip soon!

Night before

Well, today started off pretty crappy. Mom had me take a photo of the logo of the charity she started so I could text it to the guy that does the embroidering of it on bags and such. She woke me up early before she left for work to remind me to text it to him. I never really got fully back to sleep after that. When I finally got up I had my morning cigarette and my anxiety was raging. For a while I was afraid that my jaw was going to lock and the muscle spasms were going to happen again. I finally made it to work at 12:15 instead of going to my noon meeting so I could get some more hours at work. I spent all afternoon at work helping Michael get some wedding announcements printed and ready. Instead of catching a ride home when my brother picked up my mom at 3:30, I stayed til 6:15 to help Michael get things finished up what needed to be done. I never did get a chance to get ads done for the issue of the paper coming out next week so I brought a bunch of work home since I'm only in the office for a few hours on monday and the ads need to get done.

On the way to the office I stopped at Walgreen's and got some nicotine patches and 2 bags of dum dums. Tomorrow is my first day I've planned to quit smoking. I'm hoping and praying that the patches help and my anxiety will be manageable. It's been such a long day today and I've been very emotional, angry and on edge. I'm very nervous for tomorrow morning since I have my first cigarette within 10-15 min after getting up in the morning. I got some advice online from a few other people on a website for quitting smoking that they are there early so when I wake up I should put my first patch right on and log on to the website to chat so it will keep my hands occupied. I think I'm going to try that and see how things go.

There's going to be a lot of deep breathing tomorrow and praying for help with the withdrawals of quitting. I've been smoking for 8 years and have never tried this before.

I've been trying to be able to afford getting a used ipod touch or something but can't afford it this weekend since I spent some money getting the patches and such. I'm pretty bummed that I still can't afford one right now. If I can stay without smoking at all it will save a bit of money though. My psychiatrists pharmacist said I should set aside the money I would have spent on a pack of cigarettes and once a month or so use it to treat myself to something nice as a reward and something to look forward to. Maybe this will help get a used ipod and pay some bills. I could sure use that and I know I need to quit smoking.

Will see how tomorrow goes. Everyone says it almost always takes a handful of times to quit and my psychiatrist said it won't be as bad as I think it will be. I'm hoping and praying that she is right.

Quitting smoking for the first time

So I had the day off of work today since I had an afternoon appt with my psychiatrist. It went well. She was very excited that I am just over 2 weeks away from my 1 year mark of sobriety and also excited that I was able to take a big step out of my comfort zone with my graphic and last post here.

We talked about quitting smoking since I mentioned that I think it's about time I try to quit. She and the pharmacist who works with her gave me some advice. I've decided that my first day attempting to quit will be this Saturday. I'm VERY nervous. I've never tried quitting before and am very worried about my anxiety. I'm going to be getting some nicotine patches from the store and see how they help. I was given advice to stock up on healthy snacks and make sure that I do a lot of deep breathing when I get anxious. They also gave me a website to go to for support from other people quitting or who have quit a while ago. I think I'll end up spending a bunch of time there asking questions and am probably going to try to get advice and support from one of their counselors over the phone.

UGH! I can't believe it's already almost a year sober now. I'm just starting my amends step and the first on my list is myself. I'm going to need to do a lot of reading and learning how to forgive and make amends to myself so I can move on toward making amends to other people. I also can't believe I'm serious about quitting smoking now. I definitely think it's a thing I need to do even though I am so nervous and anxious about it.
I've been told it usually takes several tries for quitting smoking so I'm nervous and interested to see how it goes. My psychiatrist told me it won't be nearly as bad as I'm expecting so I am REALLY hoping she is right.

We'll see how the first day goes. I've been without cigarettes for a day or two before in the last few years because I couldn't afford them and I was quite the big bitch. I'd probably better warn everyone I'm around that I'm trying to quit and expect me to be very anxious and on edge.

Enough is enough

Been a while... yet again.

Monday in my substance abuse group we were talking about argumentativeness. When I was asked to share I ended up rambling and got on a tangent on everything going on between the GLBT community and the LDS church in the fight for human rights, Boyd K Packers comments in General Conference against gays and the dramatic rise in bullying and suicides of young teens. All that sharing brought up some very rough emotions for me.

I grew up LDS and actively went to church until I turned 18 and also came out as gay at 17. My first year in High School I was suicidal while I was trying to figure out who I was and hadn't come out of the closet yet. Since then I have battled suicidal tendencies, drug and alcohol addiction and depression as well as self mutilation up to this very day. Everything since Proposition 8 between the gay and LDS communities has been escalating up until the most recent event with Boyd K Packers comments on homosexuality in Conference.

There have been so many comments and opinions from both sides and so many hateful and hurtful things said. All of this arguing has been hitting me very hard. I can see both sides. I've LIVED both sides and I've been suicidal before so I can relate to the young teens with how they feel and how President Packers comments can come across to young LDS members who are struggling with their sexual identity. I feel like I am caught right in the middle and it is incredibly painful.

Every time I read the hurtful comments from either side, it just makes me sick to my stomach. It increases my depression ten-fold and I find it very hard to try to pull myself out of it and still maintain my sobriety and recovery. Since the substance abuse group yesterday when I starting bringing up all those feelings out of nowhere and not realizing fully how passionate I feel about it, I feel like I just needed to create something to express what I am feeling. This is what I came up with.

I titled this graphic "Enough is Enough". That is how I feel.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I am sick of the fighting. Sick of the hateful and hurtful comments. Sick of the bickering. Sick of the close-mindedness. Sick of the discord. Sick of the disrespect. Sick of the lack of love... I could go on and on.

We are all children of whatever Higher Power we individually believe in. Call it what you will, but we are all children of God. God loves each and every one of us regardless of our race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. Bottom line, GOD LOVES US ALL NO MATTER WHAT! What is the problem with loving each other as equals?! Why do we think we are better than other people because they are different. Just because people have different beliefs doesn't give ANYONE the right to tear them down. We are all entitled to our own beliefs.

It is time for us all to act like mature adults and treat our fellow humans as equals and with respect. No more tearing other people down. Time to get past the fighting and realize we are all entitled to the same rights, same freedom, same unconditional love. Isn't that what religion and God have taught us? To love one another as you would love yourself? Well.. then it's about time to starting loving unconditionally and practice what you preach. This goes for everyone, on every side of the arguments. 

I say again.. enough is enough!

Updates and a new haircut

So I heard back a week or so ago from the assessment I had for hopes of a treatment program. After the 2 hour assessment going through my whole life that reeked havoc on my anxiety the whole 2 hours, I was informed that they think I'm doing fine with what I'm doing right now with my therapy any meeting since I've been clean and sober for 9 months. I was initially really annoyed about it but I've been telling myself that it's a compliment to how I've been doing and how far I've come.

With recovery, I haven't been to as many meetings for a little while. Not sure why I guess. It feels as though I'm stuck with trying to get past all of my overwhelming fears and anxiety. My anxiety is still really hard a lot of the time. It is difficult for me to talk a lot and especially communicate from the heart without my jaw getting tense and my anxiety sky-rocketing. I'm still in therapy once a week trying to work through issues and also attending a substance abuse group once a week as well through my therapist. I'm not sure what to make of it yet but am trying to be hopeful that I can make some progress with it.

Personally and emotionally for a little while I've been very lonely. When things feel rough and overwhelming I tend to introvert and isolate which makes it worse, but generally I've been lonely. I have to keep reminding myself how far I've come in the last 10 months and remind myself to stop beating myself up over things. It's a fault of being overly critical of myself. Reminiscing of the past as well as beating myself up about it so it's kind of a war in my mind. I've been trying to keep busy with things for work and getting things done around the house at home to keep me occupied but I still get caught up in my own mind and still feel like I need external validation to help myself feel good. I guess it's the addict part of me that wants to have that instant gratification to feel good and being impatient with the whole process of learning to truly love myself for who I am.

My ex is kind of seeing someone. It's been just over a year and a half since we broke up and almost a year since I moved out. I'm not sure what will happen and the guy he's seeing and he said he's not sure either. The guy seems very nice and is very polite. The overly critical side of me keeps reminding myself of all of the wrong things I've done and how I could have been a better person. I can't seem to stop beating myself up over things. It's hard to see him back in the dating life no matter now serious.. Maybe because it was my first and only real relationship and it lasted 4 years. I also never really grew up emotionally so this is all firsts for me. This is nothing he can control and he deserves someone right for him.. Who will make him happy. I keep reminding myself that I can't control other people and, honestly, I really only with the best for him. I still care for him deeply. I guess I'm just having a very difficult time moving on and stopping beating myself up over what I've done.

I think that might be contributing to my loneliness. I miss having many things from the relationship. I also miss socializing with friends and so-called 'friends' even though I was acting self destructively. I guess it's a period of introspectiveness for me and I need to get out of my own head. I should start putting more effort in my recovery and trying to move past things. It's hard, but I think I just need to try to push through it. I can't stay in my protective little bubble forever and stuck in my own head.

Today I had the day off of work. I didn't do too much for the first half of the day. I decided I needed to get out and do something so I took the bus and went to get my hair cut. I guess I just needed to do something and change something. I'd been needing to get my hair trimmed anyway for the past month or two but I went short this time. Instead of the shaggy length I've had since I chopped my long hair off, it's now pretty short. It's gonna take some getting used to. I haven't had hair this short for almost 8 years. I like it though and it will be easier to maintain and take care of. Not the best picture, but I couldn't get the camera to focus more in the evening light in my room. :)

I also got a portfolio printed out. Maybe I'll get it set up online, too. It would be nice to start doing some freelance graphic design work sometime for a little extra income.

Anyway.. I think that's enough ranting for right now so I'm gonna finish watching a movie before bed. Hopefully won't wait as long next time before writing again but no promises. ;-P

Graphic for the new bathroom

So I've been working on finishing the downstairs bathroom I use. It's mostly been used for storage and stuff for a number of years. I cleaned out all of the junk, spent 3 days spackling, primed the walls, painted the walls a nice light green and put up a new medicine cabinet. Next step is to put laminate boards on the bottom half of the walls and tile the floor. Those have to be done the same day so I don't have to move the sink and toilet more than once.

Now that the bathroom is looking a ton more like an actual bathroom, I thought a picture would be nice on the main wall and I decided to just make one instead of going to buy one. This is what I came up with. I'm pretty happy with it.

Busy times

Wow.. Been a while again since I've posted. I'll need to set aside some time very soon to sit down and vent and talk about what's been going on. In the meantime, I did another graphic next week. I thought it turned out pretty well.

Another Milestone

Well, it's been a bit since I've posted. On August 6th I made it to my 9 month mark in sobriety. Time has gone by fast but felt like it's been dragging at the same time. It's been a long journey so far and it is still the beginning. After so many huge changes I've made in my life in the past 9 months, I'm finally starting to see and feel a bit of the progress inside. I need to keep reminding myself of how rough the road has been with all of the changes and that I've made it through thus far and should feel very proud of myself. When I look back on it, I do feel good inside about how I've done and how I've grown since November 6th last year. I still have a hard time with anxiety but I am working more in depth on inner issues and will hopefully learn to make the changes in my behaviors, reactions and inner dialogue among other things.

I'm seeing my therapist regularly again and waiting for an assessment which will help determine what specific treatment is recommended for substance abuse along with the anxiety and depression going along with it. The assessment is toward the end of the month so I'm anxiously waiting for the appointment.

I've been a bit stuck with inspiration for more graphics lately but came across a tutorial that shows you how to make a photo look like a Na'vi character from Avatar. Here is how my first attempt doing it turned out.

I'm pretty happy with how it turned out for a first time. Will keep looking for inspiration for more graphics.

New updates

Well, I'm back in therapy regularly again. My therapist is having me read The Four Agreements which is very inspiring so far. I think if I really work on applying the lessons in the book to my life that it will be very beneficial for me. I also have 2 writing assignments between my therapist and my mentor. I need to write down my fears and my negative beliefs in a format I am familiar with it to better understand then so I can begin to work through them.

I'm wary about delving into it a bit but it definitely needs to be done. I'm tired of living life through fear and anxiety. One of the things that has come up during the bit of reading I've done so far in The Four Agreements is that I've never given myself permission to actually love myself. That came as a surprise to me that I'm now in the position of telling myself that it's ok to love myself. I'm starting a group therapy that will hopefully help me in my recovery along with my therapy. It's hard not having insurance that will pay for psychiatric care but it is definitely needed so I know I need to work it out.

I go in for my assessment toward the end of next month through some interim groups. The assessment will determine what kind of therapy they think best suits me as far as drug/alcohol addictions. It's a while to wait for it but I'm glad that it is an option for me right now.

I'm trying to get motivated more with graphics now that aren't as negative or emotionally painful and came up with one that I am pleased with. It's more of just a surreal graphic that is inspired by Totem Animals and their power.

Will see what else comes up for inspiration on more graphics and how the therapy goes.

Been a few weeks

So it's been a few weeks since my past post. Generally things have been the same lately. My anxiety has been very high and I've had trouble getting to meetings due to my anxiety. I recently saw my therapist as well as my psychiatrist. My meds have been adjusted to help with the anxiety and I'm now starting to work on changing my thought patterns which is definitely NOT easy when you are basically addicted to fear and anxiety after living in them for so long. It also appears that on some level my body and mind are creating more fear and intense anxiety the closer I get to a breakthrough with my recovery and self discovery.

For now I guess I need to keep pushing myself through this with the knowledge that I am still much better than I was and have made progress. I was told that it should be easier to manage the fear and anxiety when I finally push my way past this breakthrough. If I can keep that in mind, I think that would help with motivation. It is still hell a lot of the time with anxiety and fear, but I am still clean and sober which is definitely a miracle.

Mom also went in for surgery today to repair a hole in her heart. I was really worried about it. Dad kept me posted and the surgery went very well. They are just keeping her overnight in the hospital for observation then will do a few more tests and an ultrasound tomorrow before letting her come home. I talked to her this afternoon and she sounded really good. I was VERY relieved to hear that it went well. The hole turned out to be bigger than they thought and if they hadn't found it, she could have had a VERY severe stroke at any time. Needless to say we are all thrilled that the surgery looks like a success.

I haven't done any new graphics yet. With new things to think about from my therapist, maybe I'll start to get some inspiration for a new one to work on. I've been giving it some though but haven't gotten anything yet. I'll keep thinking about it and see what comes up.

Working on a new graphic

It's been a fairly uneventful week again. Anxiety has been high and I've missed some meetings so I've been home a lot trying to relax and take things easy. I got some ideas for a new graphic from a quote my dad told me... "Most people die with their music still inside them." It's still a work in progress but here is what I have so far.

We'll see how it goes for more inspiration to play with the picture since I'd like to ad something and change it up a bit. It just doesn't seem quite finished to me yet.

New pic

It's been kind of uneventful the past few days. Just work, meetings and staying home. I did a new pic which I think turned out ok, though it's a little hard to see what I did in the eyes.

Waiting to see what inspiration comes for another graphic sometime. Hopefully some comes soon and I can get a new graphic done.

New graphic

Finished a first draft of a new graphic tonight. This graphic is somewhat inspired by The Cube which is an imagination game in book form which brings new insight into your life and more. It was quite the rage in Europe in 1991 and I found it to be incredibly insightful.

This is based on an experience of mine but not as accurately as I'm still learning more about graphic design but was pleased with my first attempt at this scene.

New room color

Well, the bedroom is all done and I got a few pics taken. The flash makes it look a little lighter, but the new color in the room has a nice, calming  feel and it makes the plants and pictures pop out more.

Busy day

It's been a busy day and weekend. Yesterday I filled some cracks and holes in the walls in my bedroom. Today I woke up just before 7 and it took a while to get back to sleep. Dad woke me up at 10:30. I wished him Happy Father's Day before he left to run errands. I basically spent from 10:45 until a little after 9 tonight working on my room. I finished filling the cracks, primed and then painted the whole room a light, pale blue instead of the white it was before with an unfinished wall. I'm very happy with the color. It gives the whole room a new and calming feel and it also makes the plants and pictures stand out a lot more.

Once the paint dried I worked on finishing getting the room back together, rearranging a little and hung up all the pictures. I'm pleased with the whole result. I was able to open up more space, got 3 pictures I created and framed hung on the walls and the room feels more personal to me after putting in all the hard work and making it my room. There are still things to do... clear more room in the closet and other little things but I'm glad the room looks better and glad that it's over cuz I'm sore and tired now. lol. That was a ton of work to do between yesterday and especially today, but it paid off so I'm happy.

It's been a few days of lots of anxiety though too and I haven't felt very social. I think that helped motivate me to get my room done to do something to help me feel better. Still have a little anxiety but I'm hoping I sleep well tonight and that tomorrow will be better.

Just another day

Woke up early again this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Ugh! I just got dressed and headed for the bus. On the way to my noon meeting I stopped at Office Depot and got another poster printed of a graphic that I've worked on in the past 2 nights. I think it turned out really well and am very happy with how the color turned out in the print job. Now I just need to find a place to hang the frame I put it in.

I showed it to one of the girls I know before the noon meeting and she commented on how much hope she sees in the picture. I think she's right. Though it's a surreal scene with abstract components, I can see what she was talking about. It seems I've been getting motivation for pictures from my mood at the time. I'm happy with that, I guess. Mood and emotion is a good motivator and inspiration for visual art. Now I just need to see where inspiration will take me for another picture. lol.

Work was pretty smooth today. Tomorrow I'm off work since I have to go to court at 1:30 regarding old, outstanding student loans from massage school that I haven't been able to pay off. I have no clue what's going to happen. All I can do is just be honest about what's going on in my life and my financial situation and put my faith in my Higher Power for things to turn out according to His will and not what I want for myself. That's the hard part for me... getting out of my own head and will and trusting that the outcome will be exactly what it needs to be as long as I am completely honest, and open.

We'll see what happens I guess. Think I might have a quiet night and maybe look for a little inspiration to start another picture.

New photo

It's been a pretty uneventful week since Pride. I've been working at home most of the week on some online stuff. It's a lot of stuff to get done but it's nice to be able to do it from home as well as get some extra hours for work.

I met with my mentor this week and am starting to work on a new writing assignment to help my recovery. Emotionally it's been kind of up and down this past week. I'm still processing things and trying to work on getting through my anxiety which has still been high this week.

I did another photo a few days ago which I'm pretty happy with.

Today I've got a business meeting to go to. Other than that I need to get a bunch of online work done and haven't decided what to do other than that. I woke up early again and have had anxiety so far today so I'm hoping to be able to try to take things easy today and keep my anxiety minimal. I've been praying so far this morning asking for help and relief of my anxiety. It's been a hard thing to learn and tough to keep in mind a lot, but it's nice to be able to ask for help and relief and be sincere about it. Hard to take things one day at a time but that's how I get through things.. One day at a time. Often it's one minute at a time but I keep trying to remember that I need to stay out of my own will and to turn my will over to God.

We'll see how the rest of the day goes. Maybe I'll get some more inspiration for another picture.

Different Pride day

Today has been a very different Pride Day than all the others I've been to. I woke up around 6:30 with a lot of anxiety. I took my morning med and stepped out to smoke before laying back down to sleep. It took about an hour or so to get back to sleep and took a lot of praying for freedom from my anxiety and attempting meditation to do so. I think my body remembers the last 2 Pride weekends. I was constantly drinking heavily and quite high. The night before the festival both times I did not go to sleep due to preparations for the parade and other things. One of those my allergies were so severe I could barely breath the whole event and didn't get to bed til after the bar that night and last Pride I was so ornery and exhausted from building the float and doing bar decorations all night along with being drunk and high to get me through it that I skipped the parade and went home to sleep before going back to the bar in the afternoon and working til 2am.

On facebook I've been seeing countless status updates and pictures of Pride so far. I've had a lot of mixed emotions all day. I went to a meeting this afternoon which was nice to be around people who were entirely sober, though I felt a bit detached through it. My emotions all day have varied from anger, loneliness, depressed to many others. I've felt torn between being envious of those enjoying themselves at the festival and putting my sobriety first & avoiding all the temptations to drink and use.

So.. I've basically been home today watching tv other than the meeting. I got bored, frustrated and needed something to distract myself so I played on photoshop with a picture I took of my eyes & a few others I found online. I ended up with a graphic art picture that I am happy with and generally fits my mood for most of today.

Pride events are still going on and will be all night with the bar & house parties. I think I'll just watch movies at home and try to distract myself from everything so I don't wallow in loneliness and depression and wishing I could party like everyone else without the consequences that would happen if I did. Glad that tomorrow will be coming soon and I hope and pray that starting a new day will lift my spirits.

Pride Weekend

Well, it's Pride weekend. Tomorrow I'll be 7 months clean and sober and it will also be the main Pride Day Festival. I've decided not to attend any of the Pride events this year. Partly because it would be a pain in the ass to get there, I don't want to go by myself and largely because it's still fairly new to my sobriety and there will be a lot of drinking going on as well as a lot of hidden other things I'm assuming. I'd rather not put myself in any temptation this weekend.

Instead, I'm doing some online work for the office and other things. Today got a bunch more online work done as well as planted quite a few new plants with the help of my younger brother. The bulk of the plants are perennials so they should come back next year. The new plants are supposed to fill out pretty well as well as give some height to the garden. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Most of the other plants are doing pretty well so far which I'm happy about. The hard work is paying off.

Tomorrow I'm planning on going to an afternoon meeting and getting some more online work done. Not sure what I'll do other than that. It's a bit weird not going to Pride this year, but I'm content with the decision not to go. I guess I'll find other things to keep me busy and entertained tonight and tomorrow.

Another day in my life

It's felt like such a long day today. I was annoyed and emotional during a meeting at noon which caused a lot of anxiety and raw nerves. I guess due to being stuck in my own head and well. The bulk of the day I've been anxious and emotional. Work was fairly slow in the office but there is a bunch to get done this week so I brought work home with me.

After work I was waiting for my brother to pick me up so I walked over to Sugar House and walked around and was pleasantly surprised to get this view.

Definitely a nice view to have after an emotional morning and afternoon. I still have some anxiety tonight but I feel a little better. Tonight I'll get a bit of work started for the week online.

Venting session (For lack of a better title)

What to say... I wasn't really able to sleep in today, which is pretty normal for me since I've been sober for 6 months, not working for a bar and on a normal sleep schedule that started with the strict schedule in UNI. I washed, dried and folded some laundry this morning and also watered all the plants in the garden that I've been working on for about 2 months. Mom said it's my brothers' and my job to do the yard work so I've spent a lot of time weeding and planting and make sure I water all of the plants really well every day. I went to a good meeting this afternoon to help my sobriety and recovery. All in all it has been a productive and basically good day but for some reason I'm in a strange space tonight mentally and emotionally.

I'm not really sure why. For some reason I feel very insecure about myself as well as a little depressed and very lonely. My life today is drastically different than 6 months ago due to quite a few very beneficial changes but I'm finding it hard lately to feel comfortable with myself and things I do. I'm having a hard time finding pleasure in things I do and create. I feel very lonely as my life mostly consists of meetings, work during the week and time at home with my parents since I'm staying with my parents as of a few weeks after I was discharged from UNI.

I don't have much of a social life which I think is exacerbating my loneliness. I find it hard to develop a social life again since I don't go to bars anymore and avoid places where there is alcohol and drugs and my finances are extremely tight so I can't really afford to do much. I feel kind of isolated, I guess.

I still pray every day and continue to slowly do work on my recovery process with a mentor of mine. She is wonderful and I love talking to her. She has helped me quite a lot in my recovery thus far. I just feel stuck right now in my feelings of insecurity, isolation and loneliness and am trying to figure out how to get out of it. I'm edgy tonight.. Emotions swinging easily from lonely, to anger, to emotional and wanting to cry and all over the place.

I'm not accustomed to feeling so much emotion. It's been second nature to me since I was young to shut down and just 'go with the flow' to get through things and as an adult I would do the same while also escaping with the help of drugs and alcohol. Through all that, I was able to develop mentally and intellectually but I don't think I really developed emotionally so I don't know how to handle things. Emotions are all so new to me and difficult to deal with.

I guess I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this. Maybe I just needed to get things out and off my chest. I don't know. I'm trying to keep myself distracted tonight so I don't over-analyze everything like I always do. I'm prone to over-analyzing everything which just gets me trapped in a vicious mental cycle. Hopefully the rest of the night will be smooth and I'm hoping for a much better day tomorrow.

Under construction

So, I'm still learning about setting up the layout and everything since I'm so new to blogging. Bear with me as I play with the look, layout and everything else. I used to be familiar with a bit of coding from setting up a website but I need to re-familiarize myself with all this again.

First blog ever

Wow.. My first blog ever!! I am SO new to this that it's not even funny. I'm usually pretty computer and website savvy, but this is going to take a lot of learning and getting used to. Hopefully I'll start learning and catching on quickly so I can play with the look of my blog as well as get accustomed to blogging.

Keep your fingers crossed for me and hopefully I'll pick it all up quickly!