From a young age growing up I knew I was different. I was always the quiet boy who kept to himself and tried to 'go with the flow'. I've always avoided confrontations and situations that aren't comfortable. I was taught to believe in a faith that I wasn't sure about.
In my early teens I started to discover that I was attracted to men but I didn't give it too much thought on what that meant. I had learned very early growing up to hide my emotions whether happy or sad and to always keep a mask on. This was my defense to hide myself from others and to hide from myself as well.
In my sophmore year of high school I finally started to realize that my attractions were that of being gay and began to slowly realize what being gay was. This was a very hard time for me. Growing up Mormon I was in a battle with myself and was suicidal for what seemed like ages at the time. Though I never acted on it, I did think about it quite often as well as self-mutilation (cutting). I went into counseling to deal with the severe depression which I don't remember how much of it helped.
At 16 I started coming out to a few friends and at 17 I came out to my parents and family. Growing up in a Mormon family, this wasn't something that was generally accepted. I again hit another depression.
At my current age of 30 years I look back on what my life has been like. Initially after coming out, I received highlighted sections of the Ensign briefly. I started doing drag as a way to be someone else for the night when I would go out to clubs. I had grown apart from school friends and lost some for being gay. I was hiding from myself and did not want to deal with anything. The day I turned 21 I could finally go to the adult side of the bars and regularly engaged in my habit of drinking which I found to help me escape from my life.
To summarize my last 9 years, my drinking slowly became out of control. I continually wanted to hide from myself and conform to my newfound community to avoid losing any more friends. In 2003 at 23 years of age, I tested positive for HIV due to my drinking, depression and risky behaviors to be liked and wanted. I eventually found a partner I was with for 4 years. I was happy for a few years but my depression, insecurities and habits of hiding from myself along with my drinking slowly lost control. I tried quitting drinking once which only lasted 74 days. I went back out even more depressed and lost complete control of my drinking, sense of self and ended up with a heavy cocaine habit on the way. I ruined my relationship and had thrown my life away all trying to escape from life.
I finally ended up with a 2 week stay in the University Psychiatric Institute at the prodding suggestion of my psychiatrist as I had been cutting myself and was working towards an actual suicide attempt. I was lucky to be alive. I was told later I should have overdosed on a number of occasions. I've done too many horrible things to count all because I could never be true to myself and that led me to near death and ruining lives around me.
Today I am just over 1 year clean and sober in drug and alcohol recovery. I am in therapy working through my depression and am finding out that through everything I did, all the mistakes, all the traumas... I was hiding from myself. Even though my family accepted me for the last number of years for being gay, I couldn't accept myself. I never did. I look back now and realize that I've been hiding and hating myself this whole time.
Today I can finally look at myself in the mirror and not hate myself. Today is a new day and a new journey. There is no need to hate myself or hide anymore. My life has been getting so much better over the past year and I look back and wonder why it took me this long to realize what I had been doing. I can be true to myself and know that it's okay to love myself unconditionally.
Today I know that things DO get better. There are people who love me and I am finally starting to be able to love myself. A wise person once said, religious people are afraid of hell, spiritual people have lived there. I have definitely lived there. I found a God that loves me for who I am and does not condemn me to hell for who I am or what I've done.
What I know for a fact now is it DOES get better. If you are true to yourself and hold on, you can find peace and love. The It Gets Better videos to me not only give hope to young people struggling coming out, but also give me hope and strength to get through my life today, 12 years after I've come out.
I now see that I can make it through if I hold on.
I am 30 years old, ex-mormon, gay, HIV positive in drug and alcohol recovery and most of all... I survived.
Hold on. I promise it gets better.
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