It's already been 6 days without cigarettes. It's definitely been rough but I can't believe I've already made it 6 days. The nicotine patches are a God-send. They help a bit with the cravings and I've been eating a lot of the dum dum suckers. I still get urges a lot to go outside and smoke and have still had anxiety but it's at least been tolerable which I wasn't expecting.
Getting closer to the 1 year mark. Michael gave me a gift today of an 8gb ipod touch as a congratulations on my one year combined with my Christmas present. It was incredibly thoughtful and generous of him and I was very surprised to get it. He said he was very proud of me for getting as far I have so far which meant a lot to me. He'd seen my facebook post where I said I was trying to save up for an ipod touch so I'm thrilled to have one. The 8gb should be perfect for a while so I can save up for one with larger memory since they are so expensive. I still can't believe he got one for me. It's going to be a pain in the ass to reinstall itunes and get everything set again, but will definitely be worth it since I am familiar with itunes and haven't had an ipod that worked for quite a while.
Will see how it goes with the smoking. I hope to keep things together with quitting and make it last and am very excited to be getting my 1 year chip soon!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Night before
Well, today started off pretty crappy. Mom had me take a photo of the logo of the charity she started so I could text it to the guy that does the embroidering of it on bags and such. She woke me up early before she left for work to remind me to text it to him. I never really got fully back to sleep after that. When I finally got up I had my morning cigarette and my anxiety was raging. For a while I was afraid that my jaw was going to lock and the muscle spasms were going to happen again. I finally made it to work at 12:15 instead of going to my noon meeting so I could get some more hours at work. I spent all afternoon at work helping Michael get some wedding announcements printed and ready. Instead of catching a ride home when my brother picked up my mom at 3:30, I stayed til 6:15 to help Michael get things finished up what needed to be done. I never did get a chance to get ads done for the issue of the paper coming out next week so I brought a bunch of work home since I'm only in the office for a few hours on monday and the ads need to get done.
On the way to the office I stopped at Walgreen's and got some nicotine patches and 2 bags of dum dums. Tomorrow is my first day I've planned to quit smoking. I'm hoping and praying that the patches help and my anxiety will be manageable. It's been such a long day today and I've been very emotional, angry and on edge. I'm very nervous for tomorrow morning since I have my first cigarette within 10-15 min after getting up in the morning. I got some advice online from a few other people on a website for quitting smoking that they are there early so when I wake up I should put my first patch right on and log on to the website to chat so it will keep my hands occupied. I think I'm going to try that and see how things go.
There's going to be a lot of deep breathing tomorrow and praying for help with the withdrawals of quitting. I've been smoking for 8 years and have never tried this before.
I've been trying to be able to afford getting a used ipod touch or something but can't afford it this weekend since I spent some money getting the patches and such. I'm pretty bummed that I still can't afford one right now. If I can stay without smoking at all it will save a bit of money though. My psychiatrists pharmacist said I should set aside the money I would have spent on a pack of cigarettes and once a month or so use it to treat myself to something nice as a reward and something to look forward to. Maybe this will help get a used ipod and pay some bills. I could sure use that and I know I need to quit smoking.
Will see how tomorrow goes. Everyone says it almost always takes a handful of times to quit and my psychiatrist said it won't be as bad as I think it will be. I'm hoping and praying that she is right.
On the way to the office I stopped at Walgreen's and got some nicotine patches and 2 bags of dum dums. Tomorrow is my first day I've planned to quit smoking. I'm hoping and praying that the patches help and my anxiety will be manageable. It's been such a long day today and I've been very emotional, angry and on edge. I'm very nervous for tomorrow morning since I have my first cigarette within 10-15 min after getting up in the morning. I got some advice online from a few other people on a website for quitting smoking that they are there early so when I wake up I should put my first patch right on and log on to the website to chat so it will keep my hands occupied. I think I'm going to try that and see how things go.
There's going to be a lot of deep breathing tomorrow and praying for help with the withdrawals of quitting. I've been smoking for 8 years and have never tried this before.
I've been trying to be able to afford getting a used ipod touch or something but can't afford it this weekend since I spent some money getting the patches and such. I'm pretty bummed that I still can't afford one right now. If I can stay without smoking at all it will save a bit of money though. My psychiatrists pharmacist said I should set aside the money I would have spent on a pack of cigarettes and once a month or so use it to treat myself to something nice as a reward and something to look forward to. Maybe this will help get a used ipod and pay some bills. I could sure use that and I know I need to quit smoking.
Will see how tomorrow goes. Everyone says it almost always takes a handful of times to quit and my psychiatrist said it won't be as bad as I think it will be. I'm hoping and praying that she is right.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Quitting smoking for the first time
So I had the day off of work today since I had an afternoon appt with my psychiatrist. It went well. She was very excited that I am just over 2 weeks away from my 1 year mark of sobriety and also excited that I was able to take a big step out of my comfort zone with my graphic and last post here.
We talked about quitting smoking since I mentioned that I think it's about time I try to quit. She and the pharmacist who works with her gave me some advice. I've decided that my first day attempting to quit will be this Saturday. I'm VERY nervous. I've never tried quitting before and am very worried about my anxiety. I'm going to be getting some nicotine patches from the store and see how they help. I was given advice to stock up on healthy snacks and make sure that I do a lot of deep breathing when I get anxious. They also gave me a website to go to for support from other people quitting or who have quit a while ago. I think I'll end up spending a bunch of time there asking questions and am probably going to try to get advice and support from one of their counselors over the phone.
UGH! I can't believe it's already almost a year sober now. I'm just starting my amends step and the first on my list is myself. I'm going to need to do a lot of reading and learning how to forgive and make amends to myself so I can move on toward making amends to other people. I also can't believe I'm serious about quitting smoking now. I definitely think it's a thing I need to do even though I am so nervous and anxious about it.
I've been told it usually takes several tries for quitting smoking so I'm nervous and interested to see how it goes. My psychiatrist told me it won't be nearly as bad as I'm expecting so I am REALLY hoping she is right.
We'll see how the first day goes. I've been without cigarettes for a day or two before in the last few years because I couldn't afford them and I was quite the big bitch. I'd probably better warn everyone I'm around that I'm trying to quit and expect me to be very anxious and on edge.
We talked about quitting smoking since I mentioned that I think it's about time I try to quit. She and the pharmacist who works with her gave me some advice. I've decided that my first day attempting to quit will be this Saturday. I'm VERY nervous. I've never tried quitting before and am very worried about my anxiety. I'm going to be getting some nicotine patches from the store and see how they help. I was given advice to stock up on healthy snacks and make sure that I do a lot of deep breathing when I get anxious. They also gave me a website to go to for support from other people quitting or who have quit a while ago. I think I'll end up spending a bunch of time there asking questions and am probably going to try to get advice and support from one of their counselors over the phone.
UGH! I can't believe it's already almost a year sober now. I'm just starting my amends step and the first on my list is myself. I'm going to need to do a lot of reading and learning how to forgive and make amends to myself so I can move on toward making amends to other people. I also can't believe I'm serious about quitting smoking now. I definitely think it's a thing I need to do even though I am so nervous and anxious about it.
I've been told it usually takes several tries for quitting smoking so I'm nervous and interested to see how it goes. My psychiatrist told me it won't be nearly as bad as I'm expecting so I am REALLY hoping she is right.
We'll see how the first day goes. I've been without cigarettes for a day or two before in the last few years because I couldn't afford them and I was quite the big bitch. I'd probably better warn everyone I'm around that I'm trying to quit and expect me to be very anxious and on edge.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Enough is enough
Been a while... yet again.
Monday in my substance abuse group we were talking about argumentativeness. When I was asked to share I ended up rambling and got on a tangent on everything going on between the GLBT community and the LDS church in the fight for human rights, Boyd K Packers comments in General Conference against gays and the dramatic rise in bullying and suicides of young teens. All that sharing brought up some very rough emotions for me.
I grew up LDS and actively went to church until I turned 18 and also came out as gay at 17. My first year in High School I was suicidal while I was trying to figure out who I was and hadn't come out of the closet yet. Since then I have battled suicidal tendencies, drug and alcohol addiction and depression as well as self mutilation up to this very day. Everything since Proposition 8 between the gay and LDS communities has been escalating up until the most recent event with Boyd K Packers comments on homosexuality in Conference.
There have been so many comments and opinions from both sides and so many hateful and hurtful things said. All of this arguing has been hitting me very hard. I can see both sides. I've LIVED both sides and I've been suicidal before so I can relate to the young teens with how they feel and how President Packers comments can come across to young LDS members who are struggling with their sexual identity. I feel like I am caught right in the middle and it is incredibly painful.
Every time I read the hurtful comments from either side, it just makes me sick to my stomach. It increases my depression ten-fold and I find it very hard to try to pull myself out of it and still maintain my sobriety and recovery. Since the substance abuse group yesterday when I starting bringing up all those feelings out of nowhere and not realizing fully how passionate I feel about it, I feel like I just needed to create something to express what I am feeling. This is what I came up with.
I titled this graphic "Enough is Enough". That is how I feel.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I am sick of the fighting. Sick of the hateful and hurtful comments. Sick of the bickering. Sick of the close-mindedness. Sick of the discord. Sick of the disrespect. Sick of the lack of love... I could go on and on.
We are all children of whatever Higher Power we individually believe in. Call it what you will, but we are all children of God. God loves each and every one of us regardless of our race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. Bottom line, GOD LOVES US ALL NO MATTER WHAT! What is the problem with loving each other as equals?! Why do we think we are better than other people because they are different. Just because people have different beliefs doesn't give ANYONE the right to tear them down. We are all entitled to our own beliefs.
It is time for us all to act like mature adults and treat our fellow humans as equals and with respect. No more tearing other people down. Time to get past the fighting and realize we are all entitled to the same rights, same freedom, same unconditional love. Isn't that what religion and God have taught us? To love one another as you would love yourself? Well.. then it's about time to starting loving unconditionally and practice what you preach. This goes for everyone, on every side of the arguments.
I say again.. enough is enough!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Updates and a new haircut
So I heard back a week or so ago from the assessment I had for hopes of a treatment program. After the 2 hour assessment going through my whole life that reeked havoc on my anxiety the whole 2 hours, I was informed that they think I'm doing fine with what I'm doing right now with my therapy any meeting since I've been clean and sober for 9 months. I was initially really annoyed about it but I've been telling myself that it's a compliment to how I've been doing and how far I've come.
With recovery, I haven't been to as many meetings for a little while. Not sure why I guess. It feels as though I'm stuck with trying to get past all of my overwhelming fears and anxiety. My anxiety is still really hard a lot of the time. It is difficult for me to talk a lot and especially communicate from the heart without my jaw getting tense and my anxiety sky-rocketing. I'm still in therapy once a week trying to work through issues and also attending a substance abuse group once a week as well through my therapist. I'm not sure what to make of it yet but am trying to be hopeful that I can make some progress with it.
Personally and emotionally for a little while I've been very lonely. When things feel rough and overwhelming I tend to introvert and isolate which makes it worse, but generally I've been lonely. I have to keep reminding myself how far I've come in the last 10 months and remind myself to stop beating myself up over things. It's a fault of being overly critical of myself. Reminiscing of the past as well as beating myself up about it so it's kind of a war in my mind. I've been trying to keep busy with things for work and getting things done around the house at home to keep me occupied but I still get caught up in my own mind and still feel like I need external validation to help myself feel good. I guess it's the addict part of me that wants to have that instant gratification to feel good and being impatient with the whole process of learning to truly love myself for who I am.
My ex is kind of seeing someone. It's been just over a year and a half since we broke up and almost a year since I moved out. I'm not sure what will happen and the guy he's seeing and he said he's not sure either. The guy seems very nice and is very polite. The overly critical side of me keeps reminding myself of all of the wrong things I've done and how I could have been a better person. I can't seem to stop beating myself up over things. It's hard to see him back in the dating life no matter now serious.. Maybe because it was my first and only real relationship and it lasted 4 years. I also never really grew up emotionally so this is all firsts for me. This is nothing he can control and he deserves someone right for him.. Who will make him happy. I keep reminding myself that I can't control other people and, honestly, I really only with the best for him. I still care for him deeply. I guess I'm just having a very difficult time moving on and stopping beating myself up over what I've done.
I think that might be contributing to my loneliness. I miss having many things from the relationship. I also miss socializing with friends and so-called 'friends' even though I was acting self destructively. I guess it's a period of introspectiveness for me and I need to get out of my own head. I should start putting more effort in my recovery and trying to move past things. It's hard, but I think I just need to try to push through it. I can't stay in my protective little bubble forever and stuck in my own head.
Today I had the day off of work. I didn't do too much for the first half of the day. I decided I needed to get out and do something so I took the bus and went to get my hair cut. I guess I just needed to do something and change something. I'd been needing to get my hair trimmed anyway for the past month or two but I went short this time. Instead of the shaggy length I've had since I chopped my long hair off, it's now pretty short. It's gonna take some getting used to. I haven't had hair this short for almost 8 years. I like it though and it will be easier to maintain and take care of. Not the best picture, but I couldn't get the camera to focus more in the evening light in my room. :)
I also got a portfolio printed out. Maybe I'll get it set up online, too. It would be nice to start doing some freelance graphic design work sometime for a little extra income.
Anyway.. I think that's enough ranting for right now so I'm gonna finish watching a movie before bed. Hopefully won't wait as long next time before writing again but no promises. ;-P
With recovery, I haven't been to as many meetings for a little while. Not sure why I guess. It feels as though I'm stuck with trying to get past all of my overwhelming fears and anxiety. My anxiety is still really hard a lot of the time. It is difficult for me to talk a lot and especially communicate from the heart without my jaw getting tense and my anxiety sky-rocketing. I'm still in therapy once a week trying to work through issues and also attending a substance abuse group once a week as well through my therapist. I'm not sure what to make of it yet but am trying to be hopeful that I can make some progress with it.
Personally and emotionally for a little while I've been very lonely. When things feel rough and overwhelming I tend to introvert and isolate which makes it worse, but generally I've been lonely. I have to keep reminding myself how far I've come in the last 10 months and remind myself to stop beating myself up over things. It's a fault of being overly critical of myself. Reminiscing of the past as well as beating myself up about it so it's kind of a war in my mind. I've been trying to keep busy with things for work and getting things done around the house at home to keep me occupied but I still get caught up in my own mind and still feel like I need external validation to help myself feel good. I guess it's the addict part of me that wants to have that instant gratification to feel good and being impatient with the whole process of learning to truly love myself for who I am.
My ex is kind of seeing someone. It's been just over a year and a half since we broke up and almost a year since I moved out. I'm not sure what will happen and the guy he's seeing and he said he's not sure either. The guy seems very nice and is very polite. The overly critical side of me keeps reminding myself of all of the wrong things I've done and how I could have been a better person. I can't seem to stop beating myself up over things. It's hard to see him back in the dating life no matter now serious.. Maybe because it was my first and only real relationship and it lasted 4 years. I also never really grew up emotionally so this is all firsts for me. This is nothing he can control and he deserves someone right for him.. Who will make him happy. I keep reminding myself that I can't control other people and, honestly, I really only with the best for him. I still care for him deeply. I guess I'm just having a very difficult time moving on and stopping beating myself up over what I've done.
I think that might be contributing to my loneliness. I miss having many things from the relationship. I also miss socializing with friends and so-called 'friends' even though I was acting self destructively. I guess it's a period of introspectiveness for me and I need to get out of my own head. I should start putting more effort in my recovery and trying to move past things. It's hard, but I think I just need to try to push through it. I can't stay in my protective little bubble forever and stuck in my own head.
Today I had the day off of work. I didn't do too much for the first half of the day. I decided I needed to get out and do something so I took the bus and went to get my hair cut. I guess I just needed to do something and change something. I'd been needing to get my hair trimmed anyway for the past month or two but I went short this time. Instead of the shaggy length I've had since I chopped my long hair off, it's now pretty short. It's gonna take some getting used to. I haven't had hair this short for almost 8 years. I like it though and it will be easier to maintain and take care of. Not the best picture, but I couldn't get the camera to focus more in the evening light in my room. :)
Anyway.. I think that's enough ranting for right now so I'm gonna finish watching a movie before bed. Hopefully won't wait as long next time before writing again but no promises. ;-P
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Graphic for the new bathroom
So I've been working on finishing the downstairs bathroom I use. It's mostly been used for storage and stuff for a number of years. I cleaned out all of the junk, spent 3 days spackling, primed the walls, painted the walls a nice light green and put up a new medicine cabinet. Next step is to put laminate boards on the bottom half of the walls and tile the floor. Those have to be done the same day so I don't have to move the sink and toilet more than once.
Now that the bathroom is looking a ton more like an actual bathroom, I thought a picture would be nice on the main wall and I decided to just make one instead of going to buy one. This is what I came up with. I'm pretty happy with it.
Now that the bathroom is looking a ton more like an actual bathroom, I thought a picture would be nice on the main wall and I decided to just make one instead of going to buy one. This is what I came up with. I'm pretty happy with it.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Busy times
Wow.. Been a while again since I've posted. I'll need to set aside some time very soon to sit down and vent and talk about what's been going on. In the meantime, I did another graphic next week. I thought it turned out pretty well.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Another Milestone
Well, it's been a bit since I've posted. On August 6th I made it to my 9 month mark in sobriety. Time has gone by fast but felt like it's been dragging at the same time. It's been a long journey so far and it is still the beginning. After so many huge changes I've made in my life in the past 9 months, I'm finally starting to see and feel a bit of the progress inside. I need to keep reminding myself of how rough the road has been with all of the changes and that I've made it through thus far and should feel very proud of myself. When I look back on it, I do feel good inside about how I've done and how I've grown since November 6th last year. I still have a hard time with anxiety but I am working more in depth on inner issues and will hopefully learn to make the changes in my behaviors, reactions and inner dialogue among other things.
I'm seeing my therapist regularly again and waiting for an assessment which will help determine what specific treatment is recommended for substance abuse along with the anxiety and depression going along with it. The assessment is toward the end of the month so I'm anxiously waiting for the appointment.
I've been a bit stuck with inspiration for more graphics lately but came across a tutorial that shows you how to make a photo look like a Na'vi character from Avatar. Here is how my first attempt doing it turned out.
I'm pretty happy with how it turned out for a first time. Will keep looking for inspiration for more graphics.
I'm seeing my therapist regularly again and waiting for an assessment which will help determine what specific treatment is recommended for substance abuse along with the anxiety and depression going along with it. The assessment is toward the end of the month so I'm anxiously waiting for the appointment.
I've been a bit stuck with inspiration for more graphics lately but came across a tutorial that shows you how to make a photo look like a Na'vi character from Avatar. Here is how my first attempt doing it turned out.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
New updates
Well, I'm back in therapy regularly again. My therapist is having me read The Four Agreements which is very inspiring so far. I think if I really work on applying the lessons in the book to my life that it will be very beneficial for me. I also have 2 writing assignments between my therapist and my mentor. I need to write down my fears and my negative beliefs in a format I am familiar with it to better understand then so I can begin to work through them.
I'm wary about delving into it a bit but it definitely needs to be done. I'm tired of living life through fear and anxiety. One of the things that has come up during the bit of reading I've done so far in The Four Agreements is that I've never given myself permission to actually love myself. That came as a surprise to me that I'm now in the position of telling myself that it's ok to love myself. I'm starting a group therapy that will hopefully help me in my recovery along with my therapy. It's hard not having insurance that will pay for psychiatric care but it is definitely needed so I know I need to work it out.
I go in for my assessment toward the end of next month through some interim groups. The assessment will determine what kind of therapy they think best suits me as far as drug/alcohol addictions. It's a while to wait for it but I'm glad that it is an option for me right now.
I'm trying to get motivated more with graphics now that aren't as negative or emotionally painful and came up with one that I am pleased with. It's more of just a surreal graphic that is inspired by Totem Animals and their power.
Will see what else comes up for inspiration on more graphics and how the therapy goes.
I'm wary about delving into it a bit but it definitely needs to be done. I'm tired of living life through fear and anxiety. One of the things that has come up during the bit of reading I've done so far in The Four Agreements is that I've never given myself permission to actually love myself. That came as a surprise to me that I'm now in the position of telling myself that it's ok to love myself. I'm starting a group therapy that will hopefully help me in my recovery along with my therapy. It's hard not having insurance that will pay for psychiatric care but it is definitely needed so I know I need to work it out.
I go in for my assessment toward the end of next month through some interim groups. The assessment will determine what kind of therapy they think best suits me as far as drug/alcohol addictions. It's a while to wait for it but I'm glad that it is an option for me right now.
I'm trying to get motivated more with graphics now that aren't as negative or emotionally painful and came up with one that I am pleased with. It's more of just a surreal graphic that is inspired by Totem Animals and their power.
Will see what else comes up for inspiration on more graphics and how the therapy goes.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Been a few weeks
So it's been a few weeks since my past post. Generally things have been the same lately. My anxiety has been very high and I've had trouble getting to meetings due to my anxiety. I recently saw my therapist as well as my psychiatrist. My meds have been adjusted to help with the anxiety and I'm now starting to work on changing my thought patterns which is definitely NOT easy when you are basically addicted to fear and anxiety after living in them for so long. It also appears that on some level my body and mind are creating more fear and intense anxiety the closer I get to a breakthrough with my recovery and self discovery.
For now I guess I need to keep pushing myself through this with the knowledge that I am still much better than I was and have made progress. I was told that it should be easier to manage the fear and anxiety when I finally push my way past this breakthrough. If I can keep that in mind, I think that would help with motivation. It is still hell a lot of the time with anxiety and fear, but I am still clean and sober which is definitely a miracle.
Mom also went in for surgery today to repair a hole in her heart. I was really worried about it. Dad kept me posted and the surgery went very well. They are just keeping her overnight in the hospital for observation then will do a few more tests and an ultrasound tomorrow before letting her come home. I talked to her this afternoon and she sounded really good. I was VERY relieved to hear that it went well. The hole turned out to be bigger than they thought and if they hadn't found it, she could have had a VERY severe stroke at any time. Needless to say we are all thrilled that the surgery looks like a success.
I haven't done any new graphics yet. With new things to think about from my therapist, maybe I'll start to get some inspiration for a new one to work on. I've been giving it some though but haven't gotten anything yet. I'll keep thinking about it and see what comes up.
For now I guess I need to keep pushing myself through this with the knowledge that I am still much better than I was and have made progress. I was told that it should be easier to manage the fear and anxiety when I finally push my way past this breakthrough. If I can keep that in mind, I think that would help with motivation. It is still hell a lot of the time with anxiety and fear, but I am still clean and sober which is definitely a miracle.
Mom also went in for surgery today to repair a hole in her heart. I was really worried about it. Dad kept me posted and the surgery went very well. They are just keeping her overnight in the hospital for observation then will do a few more tests and an ultrasound tomorrow before letting her come home. I talked to her this afternoon and she sounded really good. I was VERY relieved to hear that it went well. The hole turned out to be bigger than they thought and if they hadn't found it, she could have had a VERY severe stroke at any time. Needless to say we are all thrilled that the surgery looks like a success.
I haven't done any new graphics yet. With new things to think about from my therapist, maybe I'll start to get some inspiration for a new one to work on. I've been giving it some though but haven't gotten anything yet. I'll keep thinking about it and see what comes up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)