Guns, Gays and Grief

Where to begin.

We're now in 2013. Elections are over, the 'End of the World' came and went and it's a new year. I still see so much vitriol and slandering lingering since the 2012 elections ended and will probably continue to see it online for quite a while though it's, thankfully, decreased somewhat over the past month or so.

What's weighing on me now are some of the main things going on online, on the news and in our surroundings. This seemingly never ending debate over gun control which is causing as much fighting as the elections it seems following the handful of recent mass shootings. The continuing fight for rights as an LGBT individual and gay marriage. The teen suicide rate that continues to climb. The never ending hate, fighting, religious condemnation and hypocrisy as well as all the outspoken online and in the news claiming to have the answer to the worlds problems as long as the world agrees with THEM.

I could go on at length about each of these, but rather than just rant and rave, I'd prefer to tell a story of personal experience that touches on these issues to help convey my views.

I'm 32, born and raised as a 'good Mormon boy' in Utah and I'm gay. Of course I knew I was different growing up and knew from a very young age that I wasn't like all the other boys at church. I was the quiet, shy boy in the corner that did what I was told, learned to try to please the adults around me in order to keep my surroundings calm and kept everything to myself.

By my teens I came to realize how different I was and in High School finally admitted to myself I was gay. As a child I grew up quickly in every way but emotionally and dealt with depression for years. As I neared coming out to friends and family I saw all around me how people would view and condemn anyone gay. This further deepened my depression and I entered a suicidal period Sophomore year before finally coming out to friends in 1996 and family in 1997. To summarize this period, though I'd come out, I still battled deep depression from 'friends' viewing me differently, being the black sheep of the family, ending my activity with church and battling with my own self identity. Though raised strictly Mormon and holding many of the beliefs I couldn't let go of, I hit a low which led me to my first experience with alcohol at 19. Wine coolers I had a roommate at the time buy for me. What a relief. I'd found something that let me escape the depression and numb myself for a while.

Fast forward a few years and I was living away from home, no longer part of the church, finding my own spirituality as a Reiki Practitioner, a regular club goer and drinker, and most importantly to me, I had friends who accepted me. I kept up with this life for several more years through ups and downs, making huge mistakes by hurting friends and turning to alcohol to escape more and more, numbing the depression, insecurities and allowing myself to 'just have fun' with friends without feeling awkward as well as escaping the pain of losing my grandmother at 21 whom I was closest to in my family at the time.

Soon after I found a strong connection and entered my first real relationship. He was charming, incredibly handsome, very open and sweet to me and everything I wanted in someone. Soon into our relationship I moved in and found some happiness. 1 of our two roommates, however, was what I thought of as a train wreck. Hooked on meth and God knows what else. Tricks constantly coming and going, lying about his drug use claiming sobriety... It goes on and on.

October 4, 2005. My life changed in an instant and this night will haunt me for the rest of my life. I awoke at 3 am from dead sleep to my partner racing back into our bedroom followed by a man in a grey hoodie carrying a gun. Upon seeing me the gun was directed at me and I was ordered to turn over and put my hands behind my head. I was still someone incoherent from just waking up and completely in shock to what was happening. My mind literally shut down, I couldn't think and I don't think I could have spoken if I wanted to. My partner was ordered back in the bed in the same fashion and all I heard was rummaging around the bedroom for what seemed like eternity.

I then felt the gun pressed against the back of my skull and terror overcame me. I was told to put my hands behind my head and realized that they were clutched around my pillow as if it would give me comfort and save me. I obeyed. The 'man in the grey hoodie' repeated over and over 'where's the floor safe?!' to which my partner repeated like a litany, 'we don't have one. I don't know what you're talking about.' The man then yelled for backup and was joined by a second man to ransack the room all the while calling us fags and other hateful names before commenting on the time before I heard footsteps on the stairs.

My partner chanced a look back and to this day I don't know how he managed the courage. They'd gone back upstairs. He whispered to me asking if I was alright and the only thing I could manage to get out of my mouth was a very meek 'I'm fine' though inside I was so terrified I couldn't function. Like a gift from God, they missed taking his cell phone after they'd taken mine and he dialed 911. He gave a short, whispered message stating our address, 'men and guns' then hung up. We waited for what seemed like hours, frozen in bed before we heard more stomping upstairs and a minute later our other roommate calling to us the police had arrived.

It was now 3:30 am, the house was full of police. One taking pictures, one taking our statements and the rest ignoring us. We were quarantined to sitting together at the dining table unless I begged to go smoke on the porch. They stayed for 2 full hours, either ignoring us or treating us like they'd rather be dealing with a 'traditional family' than a 'house of 4 fags'.

The case was given to a detective who was on vacation for 2 weeks. To this day only 1 of the men was caught and it turns out all 3 men were high on meth for a 4-day crime spree. Our meth-head roommate thought he recognized one and mentioned it to my partner who ceaselessly researched until he found that the 'man' was arrested for another charge to which he informed the police he was involved in our case as well. We went to his sentencing which was almost as hard as laying in bed with my hands behind my head.

The next year was a blur of tension headaches and terror. I was unable to be alone at home at night and I still have difficulty with it. Skip forward a few years and my drinking was out of control, I was using some of the same drugs as our roommate who was kicked out the day after the break-in, I'd royally screwed over my relationship, was cutting again and leading to a suicide attempt. To this day I don't know how I survived it.
The relationship ended, I became more out of control and finally admitted myself to the hospital where I finally got clean and sober.


Today I am just over 3 years, 2 months clean and sober. I live with family and haven't been to a bar in over 3 years.

What, you might ask, does all of this have to do with the topics I mentioned in the beginning?

Guns – We have a constitutional right to bear arms, that is fact. What then do we do to prevent these tragic and horrific shootings that kill countless innocent victims. I do not agree that we need to take away this constitutional right but I fully believe that we need stricter regulations for obtaining most firearms. Of course there is no way to know who will be a criminal, who will snap one day and go on a rampage like many of the shootings, etc. Not only do we need stricter regulations, but we need training for those who 'must' carry but in my opinion, most importantly, we cannot ignore the fact that it's almost impossible to tell who will turn out to use their gun to kill innocent people. We cannot ignore mental illness, depression, alcohol/drug abuse, neglectful and angry parents who teach their children to hate, judge and discriminate others. We cannot ignore our peers, neighbors, family and friends when they suffer because if we all continue to ignore, hate, judge, etc, we inevitably leave persons with mental illness and psychological problems as well as addictions and more to slowly become worse, leaving the opportunity for someone to snap and use their legal firearm on innocent people.

This continuous fighting over gun control is exasperating. Those FOR taking guns, those AGAINST taking them. The most ridiculous are those claiming that 'if others were carrying guns, less people would have been hurt or killed'. What a load of horseshit! Would a gun have kept me safe as a mad man high on meth held a gun against the back of my head at 3:15 am? No. If I'd had a gun and tried to protect myself, I would not be alive today. Would forcing our sweet grade-school teachers who are there to teach our children about the world and how to love and respect each other to carry guns save our children, or would it instill more fear and intolerance of this world into the minds of the children in class? Why on earth would loving parents entrust their children all day to a building full of adults carrying guns?

Gays – Though we have grown leaps and bounds with equal rights and now have states that have legalized 'gay marriage', we still live in a world where religion dictates how we treat others, how we condemn them, how we treat them as lesser beings, take away rights, encourage our peers to taunt and bully them to death, harass in school without fear of punishment, attack in public physically while screaming hateful and derogatory speech without consequence of a hate crime, preach 'conversion therapy' when the American Psychological Association (APA) has publicly repudiated it and deemed it harmful.

Why did the police assign our case to a detective out of town for 2 weeks? Why did they stay for 2 hours doing almost nothing while treating us like lepers? Why do we continuously see more and more teen suicides in the news from bullying of LGBT teens?

Until we actually LIVE what our so-called 'religion' teaches us, we will not change. Our society continues to preach the bible yet ignores what it says would condemn those who are throwing the stones. We make exceptions in cases of bullying, bigotry and hate because of our 'freedom of religion'.


What does all this have in common? Love
Pure unconditional love.
What is the essence behind the teachings in religion? Love
We are taught to love others as we would like to be loved yet we ignore this message in favor of defending out personal beliefs from others who just happen to believe and live their life differently. We are tearing our communities apart for the sake of making ourselves feel good and appear 'right' while ignoring those who are suffering, those in need of help, those in pain and those in life and death need of unconditional love.

What would happen if we actually started loving each other for our differences and celebrating them? What would happen if we started working together instead of tearing each other apart. What would happen if we lowered our over-inflated egos and starting treating people as equals?

I don't know about you, but that sounds like a heavenly place to live in, where people love and accept you unconditionally. Where people reach out and do their part to make sure we are saving our society and our world instead of draining and destroying it.

I dream of a time when this unconditional love will finally conquer fear, shame, guilt and judgement.

To quote a dear friend of mine, a mentor, an inspiration and a wonderful example of a loving person:
"May God bless you with discomfort... with easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger... at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears... to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war.  So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness... to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done."
~Charles Lynn Frost

I don't know what will come of this posting, but I hope it gives some food for thought and new perspectives on what we can do to help each other. This is just part of my story and a fraction of my life and I felt it needed to be shared.