Long Time

Wow... I can't believe it's already been just about 2 months since my last posting. I guess it's long overdue for an update.

Christmas was pretty good though mellow. I went to family Christmas dinner at Bonsai Japanese Steakhouse with my parents, brother, aunt and grandpa. It was fun. Christmas morning was good though a bit rough. I had quite a bit of anxiety that morning. I was thoroughly excited for Mom to open her Christmas present that Dad and I had been working on. I published and printed a short book at work for my dad called Memoirs Of A Miniature Schnauzer. It is based off of the email my dad would send to my mom from our 9lb miniature Schnauzer, Ellie. I copied all the email from my Mom's computer and my Dad and I wrote a bunch about Ellie's life and what she thinks of the members of the family along with a bunch of other things. I created graphics to go with each email and created a cover for the book. We'd been working on it for a month at least and it was the hardest secret we've ever kept from Mom.

When she finally opened it and read through a bit of it, she was laughing so hard that she could barely read and tears of laughter were streaming down her face. The wait for her to open the book and the work put into it was well worth it for the reaction. She took it to work and I've ended up printing close to 20 more books that Mom gave to people at work. A bunch of family members also got a copy for Christmas. I'm very happy with how the whole thing turned out and Dad was thrilled that it's finally published and printed.

New Years Eve was pretty quiet and uneventful for me. I just stayed home and helped Dad put together a new entertainment center for the TV he got for Christmas and ended up in bed by 11pm. No point in going out to celebrate New Years since I am still sober and do not want to go to the bar.

The past month and a half or so I've been plagued by more anxiety. For some reason my anxiety had gone back up in the mornings and I haven't been sleeping well. My psychiatrist adjusted one of my meds at the beginning of the month and since then my anxiety in the morning has been quite a bit worse along with my sleeping. I'm going to see her today to discuss options for treating the increased anxiety.

I'm still sober. February 6 will be 1 year and 3 months already. I find that I've been feeling stuck for a little while now in recovery. I have been working a lot more to get hours in at the office for the last 2 months so I haven't been making it to more than 1 meeting a week. It feels like a catch 22 somehow. I need the hours at work financially but I also feel like I need to put in more time with my meetings and recovery. I can't seem to find a balance there yet.

I recently listened to a handful of people discuss the 'jumping off point' in recovery where you can't see your life with alcohol/drugs but you also can't see your life without them. This rang very true for me. I was pretty emotional when I thought about it. I just feel lost lately.. I know I've been making some progress in different areas but I feel like they are areas that haven't been dealing directly with my self discovery.

When I look back at my life, I used to be so happy. I was able to deal with normal stress and I was able to cope with the normal things in life. Since my addictions took over my life, brought me to near death and now that I've been sober for just over a year, it feels like all of that is gone. Like the last straw that broke the camels back. I feel like something has snapped and I can no longer cope with things the way I used to. It's almost as if those skills were never there in the first place. It feels like I'm just broken and lost and I am waiting for an angel to come along to fix me and heal the wounds.. Guide me in the right direction and teach me how to live my life again.

I guess I just feel like a little child learning how to do everything and cope with everything all over again. The journey of finding myself is incredibly rough and I very often feel lost. It's very easy for me to start isolating again. It's almost like pulling teeth to get me to reach out because I don't know how to make friends anymore. As if I have much time anyway.. It takes me an hour in the morning to get to work and generally 1-2 hours to get home which leaves me on average only a few hours at the end of the day for what needs to get done, like my homework from my therapist, Step work and time for myself to relax.

I recently got a wii though. I'd been wanting one for quite a while. I think I just needed to do something for myself and right now at least playing on the wii keeps me busy and my mind occupied rather than just laying on my bed watching TV every night where I can get caught up in my head which is not a healthy place to be for an addict.

I've been told by a handful of people that I am a very different person now than when I first got sober a year ago. It's very nice when I hear that because it is so difficult for me to see that myself. I struggle often with seeing and feeling the changes that I've made in my life and recognizing that I am a different person.

Viktor Frankl said " A man who becomes conscious of the responsibiliy he bear toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the 'why' of his existence and will be able to bear any 'how'."
I just have such a difficult time finding the 'why' in my life. I can't seem to find the purpose for it all yet. I feel like I'm caught in a storm without being able to see when it will end or how to endure the chaos created by the storm. Like being in the eye of a hurricane and not knowing how big it is or which direction it is moving... Not knowing if there is a shelter to shield you from the wind or if the wind will lift you up and take you off with the hurricane itself.

That being said I guess I've rambled long enough for right now. I just have a lot on my mind I guess. I've been told that wondering all these questions is a good sign that I am finding my way, though I don't feel it right now.

I could go on at length about the details of my emotions and individual scenarios and thoughts but I think I'll just leave it a what I have written so far today. Glad I finally updated my blog again and was able to put at least some of my thoughts and feelings out there.