It's amazing how you realize things as they come in the journey of life. Tonight I realized how even more amazing it can be to look back over a very hard journey and see how far to have come.
Today I had my last session of the weekly therapy sessions I've had since the beginning of august as well as my last substance abuse group through my therapist as well. I guess you could say I graduated from group, though if I feel the need to attend periodically I have been told I am welcome to come back to attend anytime. Being my 'last' group session I was asked to talk about what I have learned and what obstacles have been in my way among other things.
I am usually not one to do much talking and have had communication issues my whole life but tonight in group I ended up being pretty long-winded. I surprised even myself with everything I said. Once I started speaking, the words just kept flowing as if they needed to come out and be heard, not only to the others there but to myself as well. I told my story of my substance abuse. How before I got clean and sober I basically 'lived' to 'use'. I was always afraid to by myself. I escaped virtually every emotion by using so I wouldn't have to feel anything. I was terrified of communication and petrified of just being myself. I lived in a world built by my mind where everything was skin deep and had no meaning. I kept myself closed off from intimacy, conflict, anger and love. I deeply hurt people who are very important to me and whom I love and have done things to them that I cannot erase. I continued to slowly kill myself through my 'using' for a total of roughly 10 years and I only just turned 31. I finally reached a point where my using was so out of control and I had completely destroyed everything around me I tried to destroy myself. I used more than ever, restarted self mutilation and was finally diagnosed with psychotic depression. I couldn't function. I couldn't work and could barely do anything but lay on the couch.
I spoke to the group about how far down in hell I had gone and what it was like. I spoke of what it was like getting sober for the first time. I had checked myself in to UNI at the urge from my psychiatrist and spent 2 weeks there. Afterwards I desperately tried to find anyone who could help keep me from turning to drugs and alcohol to escape again. I found friends that knew my pain. At that point, all there was to me was pain. I've been told that, then, looking in my eyes all you could see was immense pain and hopelessness. This lasted for about 4 months, though it seemed like 4 years. I then started seeing a therapist weekly along with help from a friend and mentor.
I didn't know it at the time, but something started changing. I had found a small amount of drive to pull myself up. I no longer wanted to die. I had almost died countless times from my using and the thought of going back to that absolutely terrified me. I began to want to learn ways to cope with my anxiety and depression. Over the next 5-6 months I began learning coping skills. I've had some very rough times and too many days where I've had to take the day 1 minute at a time just to make it through, but I made it through the day. Because of the drive I found to stay clean and sober, I became completely honest, open and very willing to try to learn to live life. I have had a few breakthroughs on the way. The first being a time in group where for the first time I can remember, I spoke completely what was on my heart and in my mind. I slowly started to learn that I could express myself and show people who I am and what I am thinking.
As I spoke to the group of my journey in sobriety, I started to realize how different I am from the first day I stopped using. It's as if there are 2 different people. I spoke of how dramatically my life has changed. I have found a Higher Power in my life whom I pray to every day, I continue to be honest, open and willing to learn and to grow, though it's not easy. I still have such a long journey ahead and some deeply rooted, festering issues to begin addressing but by being honest, open and completely willing from the beginning, things slowly began improving and I was blessed with people in my life who could help me grow and learn to cope with life. I spoke of many things dealing with my addict mind and at times I felt like a substance abuse counselor as I watched their faces listening to my story. I explained to them how profound the difference is between me now and the me who was 'using'. It is almost indescribable.
I'm not perfect. I still strive to learn how to completely love myself. I still struggle with severe anxiety among other things. But... I am clean and sober today. I have a story I can share. I spoke to the group of how much it means to me to be able to share my story with them and have people relate to it because they are going through things I've gone through. I told them how profoundly touching it is to be able to help others because I have walked that road and have been there. I told them that there is hope and it is possible to find happiness. I found a very moving, spiritual profound feeling as I realized I was able to give people hope and something to help them through their trials by just being me and speaking from my heart of the journey I have been on.
Though I still have a lot to deal with and large issues I have yet to touch, I am very happy and grateful to have had the chance to share my story, touch a few lives and souls and find a serenity and peace that came with it. Though it did not last too long after the meeting, I will remember that serenity and made another breakthrough. I was able to look back at the journey and through telling my story I was able to start to realize how far I've come. In just under 2 weeks I will reach my 18 month mark of being clean and sober. I feel truly blessed to have been able to share so much from the heart to the group tonight and tell my thoughts and feelings here. Today may have been very rough, but tonight was very rewarding in very many ways.
Tonight I go to bed clean and sober after a day of being very honest, very open and very willing to grow, learn and help others through love. I think that is a blessed experience.
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