No more. Where has the love gone?

I feel like I need to vent.. I just don't know quite how to start or what I'm going to say exactly.

I'm depressed. Seeing quite a bit going on through Facebook, Youtube and various articles online as well as the comments and reactions on all of them have given me mixed emotions that have, I guess, basically added to some of what I had been feeling that I hadn't quite recognized on the surface and exacerbated it.

We seem to be communities bent on labeling others in any way shape or form and doing our best to tear other people up over our own opinions in an effort to prove that our opinions, views and passions on things are the "correct" ones without a second thought that other people are not in our control. I've been witnessing labels and shredding of other people for as long as I can remember and it just seems to have gotten infinitely worse over time. Faggot, dyke, Jesus freak, selfish, freak, unfit, lazy, ugly, weak, fat, druggie, lush, liar, fake, asshole, "he deserved it", "you're going to hell", "God hates you", "____ should just be shot or die already".. This list could go on and on, obviously.

While I've seen enough of this tearing down and harsh judgement my entire life, it seems like things have gotten entirely out of control lately. It's a wonder to me that people have the courage to actually put their pain out for the world to see when I see so much hateful repercussion coming back. It brings me to tears to see the unedited and unbridled hate that attacks people as if they "deserve it". Knowing that in spite of some support received when sharing their pain, people are attacked so viciously about every possible nuance or character about themselves, it baffles me that people are willing to share their pain at all. Honestly, I don't know why I am sharing this right now at all since I fully expect that myself.

I've dealt with depression for the bulk of my life. Growing up gay in a very religious atmosphere forced me to grow up quickly and hide behind a mask of a supposed calm and well-mannered demeanor. Unfortunately, this didn't allow me to develop emotionally as most do during childhood and teen years. I am now learning to feel the emotions and express them which is almost entirely foreign to me. This overwhelming judgement, hate, attacking and more affects me very deeply. I don't understand where the compassion has gone. I don't understand that, while we are fighting for freedom, equal rights and happiness, we are denying people of those same things. The right to be who they feel they are inside. The right to feel and express their pain without being degraded and called weak. The right to make their own mistakes and learn from them. The right to lend someone a hand when they need guidance toward learning through life's lessons. The right to have different beliefs than others. The right to disagree but agree to disagree without it turning into anger and hateful arguments. The right to be treated as a human being equal to every other human. The right to treat others how YOU want to be treated.

Many know my life's story and many do not. For some people, what I've dealt with would seem much easier to them as how I've done. That is your opinion, however, the way I've felt things and how difficult it was for me is an entirely different story. I've battled depression most of my life. Battling coming out as gay in a Mormon family was very difficult for me. My sophmore year in High School I was suicidal from the depression. I finally came out my Jr Year. I'd always known I was different from everyone else and now everyone knew why. Things were ok for a while. Not perfect but I was getting by. I had fairly supportive friends.. We didn't talk about the gay aspect much at all but being in the Drama Club crowd I at least had a safe haven from the rest of the school though I still didn't feel like I really fit in. I stopped going to church because I did not hold the same beliefs as my family and felt that I needed to find my own spiritual path. I know this was hard for my family but we agreed to disagree and since I was now 18, I was able to make my own decisions regarding my spirituality. After High School I fell out of friendship with many people due to being gay and taking a different path than the traditional Mormon path of life. I made new friends and started clubbing. Once I was 21 I found that alcohol allowed me to shed the mask over my calm demeanor and my emotions and was able to finally start being outgoing. I felt free. I felt like I fit in. I was part of a group that had fun. Close to the same time I began my drag career. Again, I found an escape. Combined with the alcohol, drag let me be someone else. I was able to escape my emotions and be the outgoing person I wanted to be. I didn't feel inhibited and embarrassed. My behavior became reckless.

Several years later in 2003 I came home with the worst news I could tell my parents. I was HIV positive. I immediately sought treatment and started on meds. Over the course of the next 6 years my life was a roller coaster. I experienced rejection from being poz too many times to count. I isolated from my family. I immersed myself in alcohol and drag because it let me escape and numb myself. I found a relationship with a wonderful person whom I loved and still deeply care about which we were together for 4 years. I started to rekindle relationships with my family, though not all because not all of them approve of my lifestyle and to this day I haven't seen them in 4 years. My depression started coming back and in 2005 I had a nervous breakdown, thus beginning my cutting. My life spiraled downward. I turned to alcohol more than ever and began working for the bars and was introduced to drugs as well. I lived to drink and drug my life away in hopes that I wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable, even though almost everything was skin deep and shallow around me. To shorten the story, I did too many things I shouldn't have and screwed up my relationship which ended in 2009. Another nervous breakdown erupted and my depression became overwhelming. I turned to drugs, alcohol and cutting more than ever until I was finally hospitalized and started my sobriety on November 6, 2009 cutting ties with the bar life and many people who I thought were friends. Sadly, only a few remained.

Since then I have become closer to my parents and have maintained my sobriety thus far, though much of the time has been beyond painful, especially in the beginning. The past little while the depression has been steadily increasing, yet I've stayed strong. The temptation to drink or use again comes often, yet I stay strong and resist. The scars on my arms have been begging to grow and multiply, yet I stay strong and resist. The anxiety is often overwhelming, yet I continue to pray for relieve and guidance. The loneliness grows almost unbearable that part of me yearns for the bar life again to be social, even though it's skin deep now, yet I stay strong and resist. Everywhere I turn I see the hate, labels and judgement thrown and people consumed by rage, yet I put on my mask and silently bear it.

Today, I am sick of being strong. I am sick of seeing rage and hate everywhere. I am sick of the labels. I am sick of the judgement. I am sick of people using God's name to keep their power over those who are different. I am sick of people using Equal Rights as an excuse to throw the same rage and hate filled words back at the ones who deny them. I am sick of people ignoring the ones taking their own lives because they can't bear it anymore. I am sick of people saying that suicide is because they are "too weak to love themselves". I'm sick of silently bearing my emotions til they eat me away inside. I'm sick of being the calm collected one and never being the one to cry to a shoulder where there is no chance of a harsh word or judgement.

Not all of us have the knowledge and experience to deal with emotions easily. When immense self-hatred and loathing have been there as long as you can remember and are ingrained in your mind and heart, you have no idea what it's like to try to change that and how every single degrading word you see or hear only reaffirms your self-loathing.

You want labels? Fine. I am a gay, ex-mormon, drag queen living with HIV, full of fear, battling depression and fighting for survival by not giving in to addiction and self mutilation again who can't bear to look at himself in the mirror, etc.

I've heard that it's ridiculous to wish we all could just get along... Well, sometimes the hope that someday we might be able to be just one community who celebrates our differences instead of judging through rage is all that gets us through the day. Sometimes that hope and fantasy is all we have. Take that away and people can break. Tear them down and you can send them over the edge. All it takes is one word to affect someone more than you can imagine.

Though it seems foolish, I still continue to believe that we can build a community build on love. It's difficult for me to see nowadays though I continually pray for guidance and help to make this happen. I just don't know how much more of the rage and hate I can bear by myself.