Friendships, "friendships" and unfriending

A year or so ago I downloaded the "unfriended" app for my phone for curiosity and giggles since it shows new Facebook friends, friends that are not available and people who have unfriended you on Facebook. It's been intriguing during the time I've had it and I haven't exactly paid all that much attention to it or invested time emotionally into it.

Over the course of the past month or so, I've gone through quite a roller coaster with my health, other than my usual health concerns, starting with severe pneumonia and sepsis last month through my recent outpatient surgery on Monday. I've also gone through the wringer with medication changes, and quite a lot in my personal life mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I'm not sure what prompted it, but I was reflecting on the last 2 people who had unfriended me from Facebook and I couldn't help but wonder why it was.

Naturally, it's none of my business what their reasons were and I do not plan on asking them or feeding into an unhealthy emotional scenario. But at the same time, it started me thinking... How well do we know our Facebook friends? Are they mostly acquaintances  Are they people to play online games with? Are they close friends you hang out with regularly? Are they people you know you can turn to in the most difficult of times? Are they there for some sort of validation if you feel the need to have as many as you can? Is it a network connection for your work or business? Is it a combination of some or all of these reasons?

There are so many possibilities and far too many factors to take into consideration for just one simple answer. I feel I also need to take into consideration, what kind of Facebook friend am I to all the people on MY "friends list" and are they wondering the same thing about me or does it really matter.

I think there are many positive things available and I don't know that it's healthy to just stick with one reason with the group on your friends list... It IS a great network connection for work, it's a wonderful tool to make new friends, if you have much difficulty with transportation then it's a very convenient way to still socialize and share ideas with friends who live a long distance away. It's also a fun way to keep in touch with close friends throughout the day, share laughs, look for support, rally for causes and many more things.

I've grown and changed quite a bit over the past 3 or so years and starting to grow and change even more just within this past month. Some friends have come and gone. Some have stayed. Some are long time friends. Some are new friends. Still I wonder, what is necessary for me in my life right now? Also, what is NOT necessary in my life right now. I know that I am beginning to open up more and develop a better understanding of myself, my habits and my patterns. I know that I need to work on building a much better network and support system. I know that I have a lot of work to do in order to be there for those I care deeply for the way I would like people to be there for me in return.

So, I ask myself, how many of my friends are are on my Facebook list because we have a good friendship, we can teach and learn from each other, we can love and support each other even if we have different beliefs & views, we are building a new friendship, rekindling an old one, etc... Any how many are just convenient because neither of us has just decided to click the button to "unfriend", because we cannot agree to disagree, there remains a hope to persuade the other to our belief, there is no love and support or someone just "needs" to have as many as they can in their friends list? My honest answer at the moment is I don't know. 620 people is a very large number to process through and decipher reasons behind each.

I DO know that there are so many that I care about deeply, I want to continue to be there for to help and support in any way I can, people I can learn from, people I can connect with and build new, close friendships, people I have shared many fond experiences with which I yearn to share more with...

I know what I'd like from my friends. I'd like to build support systems where we can help each other to learn and to grow. To love each other unconditionally. To build networks and create more friends who may just need someone to look up to or to talk to. To share experiences, strength and hope. To learn how to become a better person.

Herein lies my crossroads. There is no way for me to predict how every friendship and connection will go and with my ongoing learning process of communication with my thoughts and feelings still developing, I don't always know where I stand with other people. I don't want to just hack through and cut down the number to organize because I don't want to throw away something that could be very beneficial for my life but I also do not feel the need to continue to be a friend of convenience or a people-pleaser. I've spent my life as a people-pleaser and it's been far too self destructive. I feel the need to surround myself more with people I can relate to, share ideas, laugh with, share love, support and be supported, people I can learn to grow and develop from and so much more.

We all have so many different ideas and views. Much of my life and myself goes against what many in my friends list believe in or agree with. That's ok. I am not here to please everyone. I need to be myself and learn to love myself for just being me... Open, honest, struggling, learning and growing ME.

If anyone feels like too much is in the way, we cannot agree to disagree, too many differences, a friend of convenience for a friends list number, or whatever your feelings are, feel free to unfriend me from Facebook.

If you feel like you want to get to know me more and develop a much better friendship, feel like we can support each other, help each other to grow, have a special place for me in your life as I have for you in mine, want to continue to be there for each other, etc... I would love to hear that so we can become better friends. I feel the need to try to simplify my life and wish to have as little drama as possible. I've been a part of petty drama for far too long and do not feel that it needs a place in my life if I am to continue growing and changing. There are many new friends I've met in the past 3 years I would love to build better friendships with. I hope to start reaching out more and learning to develop my communication and friendship building skills even more.

These are just some thoughts I thought I'd express. I do not mean to ignore anyone, bash anyone or offend. I am simply trying to learn to express what is on my mind and my heart.